Rachel Cohn - Sam and Ilsa's Last Hurrah

First published in Great Britain in 2018

by Electric Monkey, an imprint of Egmont UK Limited

The Yellow Building, 1 Nicholas Road, London W11 4AN

First published in the USA in 2018

by Alfred A Knopf, an imprint of Random House Children’s Books,

a division of Penguin Random House LLC, New York

Text copyright © 2018 Rachel Cohn & David Levithan

The moral rights of the authors have been asserted

First e-book edition 2018

ISBN 978 1 4052 8401 1

Ebook ISBN 978 1 7803 1752 6

www.egmont.co.uk

CIP data is available from the British Library

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Stay safe online. Any website addresses listed in this book are correct at the time of going to print. However, Egmont is not responsible for content hosted by third parties. Please be aware that online content can be subject to change and websites can contain content that is unsuitable for children. We advise that all children are supervised when using the internet.

To my Bubbe and my Bebe grandmas

R.C.

To Grandma Grace and Grandma Alice

D.L.

People need, demand fantasy. I try to help them do this for a little while, to help them forget work and problems and enjoy, vicariously, a folderol of fun, good music and fancy dress. I give them a little recess from the humdrum.

Liberace

Invitation

WHAT:Recess from the Humdrum! Dinner Party

WHO: Sam & Ilsa

WHEN: May 16, 8 p.m.

WHY:Last dinner party at Czarina’s Palais de Rent Control!

Sad face!

Also, Liberace’s birthday.* Sequin face!

WHERE:Sam & Ilsa’s grandma’s.** (map attached)

WEAR: Garish.***

* If you don’t know who Liberace is, we don’t know how you got invited to this party. But you can ask Mr Google if you need help.

** Don’t worry, Czarina is out of town and will leave us alone for the evening!

*** Ask yourself, WWLW: What Would Liberace Wear?

CONTENTS

Cover

Title Page

Copyright First published in Great Britain in 2018 by Electric Monkey, an imprint of Egmont UK Limited The Yellow Building, 1 Nicholas Road, London W11 4AN First published in the USA in 2018 by Alfred A Knopf, an imprint of Random House Children’s Books, a division of Penguin Random House LLC, New York Text copyright © 2018 Rachel Cohn & David Levithan The moral rights of the authors have been asserted First e-book edition 2018 ISBN 978 1 4052 8401 1 Ebook ISBN 978 1 7803 1752 6 www.egmont.co.uk CIP data is available from the British Library All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher. Stay safe online. Any website addresses listed in this book are correct at the time of going to print. However, Egmont is not responsible for content hosted by third parties. Please be aware that online content can be subject to change and websites can contain content that is unsuitable for children. We advise that all children are supervised when using the internet.

Dedication To my Bubbe and my Bebe grandmas R.C. To Grandma Grace and Grandma Alice D.L.

Epigraph People need, demand fantasy. I try to help them do this for a little while, to help them forget work and problems and enjoy, vicariously, a folderol of fun, good music and fancy dress. I give them a little recess from the humdrum. Liberace Invitation WHAT: Recess from the Humdrum! Dinner Party WHO: Sam & Ilsa WHEN: May 16, 8 p.m. WHY: Last dinner party at Czarina’s Palais de Rent Control! Sad face! Also, Liberace’s birthday.* Sequin face! WHERE: Sam & Ilsa’s grandma’s.** (map attached) WEAR: Garish.*** * If you don’t know who Liberace is, we don’t know how you got invited to this party. But you can ask Mr Google if you need help. ** Don’t worry, Czarina is out of town and will leave us alone for the evening! *** Ask yourself, WWLW: What Would Liberace Wear?

1: ILSA

2: SAM

3: ILSA

4: SAM

5: ILSA

6: SAM

7: ILSA

8: SAM

9: ILSA

10: SAM

11: ILSA

12: SAM

13: ILSA

14: SAM

15: ILSA

16: SAM

17: ILSA

18: SAM

19: ILSA

20: SAM

21: SAM & ILSA

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

1

ILSA

My brother is way too obsessed with our grandma’s sex life.

“I think Czarina has taken a lover,” Sam says, holding out his hand to me. “Spatula. Stat.” My job is to maximize the chef ’s surgical efficiency by passing him the gadgets he requests. I hand him the spatula. “That’s an egg-turner spatula. The spoon spatula, Ilsa,” he says, like it’s so obvious. “Observe!”

I look at his bowl, filled with cheese and spinach. Seems like any old spatula could work in that bowl, but if it were up to me, we’d order takeout from Zabar’s and not bother with DIY cooking at all. Sam’s an amazing cook. But all that work! No, thank you. He gets me for a half hour as sous-chef , and the rest of the meal is on him. My job is planning fabulousness, not catering it. I should have been the gay man, not my twin brother.

I hand Sam the spoon spatula. “What makes you think Czarina has taken a lover?”

“She’s gone to Paris three times in the last six weeks.”

“She’s a fashion buyer. That’s her job .”

“There’s something different about these trips. I feel it. Did you notice how . . . nice she seems when she gets back? It’s upsetting.”

“What are you really upset about? That she’s been nice, or that she took Mom and Dad and not you to Paris with her for the weekend?” I love when Czarina goes away and lets us use her apartment. Then I get to be the queen of her castle, and not have to share Sam with her.

“That’s the thing! She never takes Mom and Dad anywhere. Says they’re bourgeois bores.”

“I love ’em, but they kind of are.”

“Don’t be bitchy.”

“Don’t ask me to be anything other than who I am.”

Sam laughs, then raises an eyebrow at me. “Aren’t you just a little concerned? Czarina even said we didn’t have to leave her bedroom door locked. Of all the dinner parties she’s let us host in her apartment, her one and only strict rule has been” – and here Sam mimics Czarina’s gangster-worthy growl – “‘no teenage miscreants shall miscreant in my bedroom.’”

“Yeah, that’s why she always shows up during dessert, despite saying she was taking a night out to go to the symphony, and even when she’s locked away all the liquor. The control freak can’t take our word for it that we won’t let anyone in her bedroom or break into her booze.” I reconsider what I just said, and then amend my statement. “I mean, take my word for it. She knows Sam the Saint won’t break her rules.”