Penny Joelson - Girl in the Window

‘Well, I’m very grateful,’ she says.

‘I’d better go now,’ I tell her. I suddenly feel so tired – and she is looking tired, too. She doesn’t protest and I wonder if I have already outstayed my welcome.

‘I hope you will come again,’ she says. ‘It’s been so nice to have some company.’

I’m relieved. I was worried I’d upset her asking about tragedies, and that she wouldn’t want me back. I’m glad I came, though – Mrs G did seem genuinely pleased to see me, and I even learned something about the girl over the road. At least, I may have done. I learned there was a tragedy, and it involved a girl who died. Does that mean the girl I see really is a ghost? I wish I knew the whole story.

7

‘A gummy bear factory! My son is making gummy bears?’

Dad has somehow seen Mum’s latest WhatsApp message from Marek, who has moved from sprinkling cheese on pizzas to making gummy bears. Dad is reeling off a torrent of Polish insults.

‘Why my son? Why me? We bring him here for a good life, he has a good education and he throws it all away to make teddy bear sweets! What did I do to deserve this useless child?’

‘Don’t say that, Dad,’ I protest. Dad has a tendency to be overdramatic, but to me this seems unfair.

‘Sorry, moje kochanie , I don’t want to upset you.’ Dad gently strokes my hair. ‘But gummy bears! Pah! ’

A few days later I get a package from Germany. Marek has written a card saying how much he misses me and enclosed five packets of gummy bears. I wish he’d come home.

I have a bad day for no apparent reason. That’s what it’s like. I spend the morning in bed eating gummy bears and then the afternoon sitting up, looking out of the window. I’ve been looking out every day, but I haven’t seen the girl again.

Mum is worrying that I’m seeing things – as in imagining them. I overheard her telling Dad. I get brain fog sometimes. I can’t think straight and I struggle with the school work my tutor leaves for me, but hallucinations are not a symptom of ME. I know that because I looked it up online. Even so, the more I watch from the window and don’t see the girl, the more I doubt my own memory. I’m wondering if I really saw her at all or if it was a trick of the light. It’s easier to think of her as a ghost than as a real person – but if she was real, perhaps she was staying there and now she’s gone. I hope so, but either way, I can’t stop thinking about her. I wish I could.

It’s almost a relief when my home tutor, Judy, gets here and I can think of something else. She sits on the wicker chair in my room, runs her hand through her thick dark hair and adjusts her big glasses as she checks my attempts at some maths problems. I’m panicking that I’m getting so far behind at school.

‘I want you to give me more work, Judy,’ I tell her. ‘I’m not doing enough. How am I ever going to catch up?’

‘You can only do what you can do,’ she says. ‘I don’t want to give you too much. It will stress you out and that’ll set you back further. But you’re doing OK, and you are getting better. You couldn’t have done maths like this a few weeks ago.’

‘My head is less fuzzy,’ I agree, ‘but, Judy, I’m so far behind! I’m meant to be taking ten GCSEs. Even if I get back to school, how will I do it?

‘Maybe you could cut down on the number of subjects? she suggests.

I shake my head. ‘I don’t want to give any up.’

‘Or you could perhaps stay in Year 9, repeat the year.’

‘Never,’ I say emphatically. ‘Can you imagine how awful that would be? I want to be with my friends.’

‘Don’t think about it now,’ Judy tells me. ‘Keep working like you are and get plenty of rest too. Just focus on one day at a time.’

It’s easy for her to say but the thought of staying down a year, while my friends all do their GCSEs next year and then go into the sixth form without me, is more than I can bear. I won’t let that happen. I have to get better and back to school as soon as possible. If Judy won’t give me more work then I will get it from Ellie.

Once Judy’s gone, I work hard on more maths, but I’m exhausted and I don’t manage as much as I’d hoped. My eyes are drooping. I wish I had more energy and could concentrate better. But Judy has said that I’m improving. So that gives me hope.

The next day, Ellie is due to visit and this time I’m determined to remember to tell her about the girl, as I’m sure she’ll be able to help me think it through. But when she arrives she’s with Lia, and I’m not sure how I feel about it. Lia’s in our form group but I don’t know her that well. We’ve never been friends.

‘You were moaning that no one else comes to see you, so I brought Lia,’ Ellie tells me. ‘We’ve been working together in drama. We’ve done this sketch – you really should see it. It’s hilarious! We might even do it in the show next term!’

She exchanges glances with Lia and they both start giggling. They’re clearly waiting for me to ask them to perform it for me. I feel a tingle of jealousy that they seem so close. I wonder if Lia’s trying to replace me as Ellie’s bestie – but I am also curious about this sketch.

‘You going to show me then?’ I ask.

‘OK – with any luck a laugh will do you good and not tire you out,’ Ellie says, grinning.

The sketch has me in stitches – I laugh so much that I ache. It may hurt physically but I do feel better inside.

‘Do you think you’ll be back at school soon?’ Lia asks, when we can finally speak again.

I shrug. ‘I hope so.’

‘You must be so bored stuck in here,’ she says. ‘Or have you been doing some writing? That story you wrote was so brilliant – it’s fab that you’ve won that competition!’

She sounds genuinely pleased for me and my feelings towards her soften.

‘I don’t really feel up to writing,’ I tell her. ‘I’m sure I will get back to it soon, though.’

‘Lia and I are going to Dimitri’s New Year’s Eve party!’ Ellie says.

‘Dimitri’s? But you can’t stand him!’

‘Oh – he’s all right. Loads of people are going.’

‘Could be fun, I guess.’

‘Yeah, well, I’ll tell you how it goes,’ Ellie says, laughing.

‘Who throws up where and when, you mean?’

Lia giggles.

Ellie turns to me. ‘Remember that time at Erin’s party, Kas?’ She grins. ‘When you had to rescue me?’

‘What happened?’ asks Lia.

It takes a few seconds but the memory comes flooding back. ‘Oh, yeah! You got locked in the loo!’ I laugh.

‘There was someone in the downstairs loo, so I had to go up,’ Ellie tells Lia. ‘Then the door wouldn’t open and I was yelling and yelling – but the music was so loud no one heard me.’

‘And I was dancing with Serene and Erin,’ I say, ‘and waiting for you, and you took ages, so in the end I came up to look for you and heard you shouting!’

‘So how did you get out?’ Lia asks.

‘Erin found a screwdriver and undid the door handle,’ I tell her.

‘I’d have been stuck there for hours otherwise,’ says Ellie. I thought I was going to have to climb out the tiny bathroom window and shimmy down the drainpipe!’

Now it’s me and Ellie laughing together, and Lia’s turn to join in.

After they leave, I feel glad that Lia came. Ellie will always be my best friend, but it was nice to talk to someone else for a change.

I turn my chair back to the window and sit looking out. It’s weird, thinking back to Erin’s party – dancing and laughing with my friends, having fun. It’s like that was another lifetime. But I will get better – I am determined to get back to these things. I see movement in the corner of my eye but when I look there’s nothing. Did the curtain move? Was she there, and did she fade away instantly, as always? I wanted to wave – to let her know I’m here. Perhaps she’d stay visible if she knew someone could see her.