Andrew Smith: Rabbit and Robot

First published in the USA in 2018 by Simon & Schuster BFYR, an imprint of Simon & Schuster Children’s Publishing Division, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, New York 10020

First published in Great Britain in 2019

by Electric Monkey, an imprint of Egmont UK Limited

The Yellow Building, 1 Nicholas Road, London W11 4AN

Text copyright © 2018 Andrew Smith

Jacket illustration copyright © 2018 Mike Perry

The moral rights of the author and illustrator have been asserted

First e-book edition 2019

ISBN 978 1 4052 9398 3

Ebook ISBN 978 1 4052 9399 0

www.egmont.co.uk

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Stay safe online. Any website addresses listed in this book are correct at the time of going to print. However, Egmont is not responsible for content hosted by third parties. Please be aware that online content can be subject to change and websites can contain content that is unsuitable for children. We advise that all children are supervised when using the internet.

For Amy Sarig King

I’ve been wading through all this unbelievable junk and wondering if I should have given the world to the monkeys.

—ELVIS COSTELLO

I placed a jar in Tennessee,

And round it was, upon a hill.

—WALLACE STEVENS

Education makes machines which act like men

and produces men who act like machines.

—ERICH FROMM

Cover

Title page

Copyright First published in the USA in 2018 by Simon & Schuster BFYR, an imprint of Simon & Schuster Children’s Publishing Division, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, New York 10020 First published in Great Britain in 2019 by Electric Monkey, an imprint of Egmont UK Limited The Yellow Building, 1 Nicholas Road, London W11 4AN Text copyright © 2018 Andrew Smith Jacket illustration copyright © 2018 Mike Perry The moral rights of the author and illustrator have been asserted First e-book edition 2019 ISBN 978 1 4052 9398 3 Ebook ISBN 978 1 4052 9399 0 www.egmont.co.uk A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher. Stay safe online. Any website addresses listed in this book are correct at the time of going to print. However, Egmont is not responsible for content hosted by third parties. Please be aware that online content can be subject to change and websites can contain content that is unsuitable for children. We advise that all children are supervised when using the internet.

Dedication For Amy Sarig King

Epigraph I’ve been wading through all this unbelievable junk and wondering if I should have given the world to the monkeys. —ELVIS COSTELLO I placed a jar in Tennessee, And round it was, upon a hill. —WALLACE STEVENS Education makes machines which act like men and produces men who act like machines. —ERICH FROMM

Tyger Tyger, Burning Bright♦ Cheese Ball!♦ I Am the Worm♦ Cager Messer’s List of Things He’s Never Done♦ Hocus Pocus, and Kansas Is Full of Shit♦ A Visit to the Hotel Kenmore♦ Getting On Board♦ Mojave Field♦ Rabbit & Robot ♦ In with the Cogs♦ Are We There Yet?♦ Printer Ketchup♦ Like Nothing Else in Tennessee♦ Parker, My Valet♦ The Longest Elevator Ride of My Life♦ Dr. Geneva, and What Space Does to Teenage Boys♦ Of Clocks, Cogs, and the Sense of Smell♦ Captains Outrageous♦ Canard à l’Orange ♦ Good King Wenceslas, and a Serious Obelisk of Friendship♦ Deck 21♦ I Am the Worm♦ Never Send a Human to Do a Cog’s Job♦ It Really Is Christmas♦ The Proper Way to Prepare a Curry♦ I’m Pretty Sure We’re Upside Down Now♦ It Happens Here, I Guess♦ A Pedestrian Assessment of Alsatian History♦ A Cruise-Directing Phoenix from the Ashes♦ Stopped at the Wicket♦ The Boy from First Class, and a Fire in the Bank♦ An Infinity of Nevers, and a Mission to Find a Can Opener♦ Captains Get to Do Whatever They Want to Do♦ Right Side Up, Upside Down♦ There’s a Bright Side to Just About Everything♦ Unless You Happen to Be Dying to Die♦ We Raise Our Hands♦ A Most Unfortunate Dane♦ Billy Hinman Goes to Church♦ Getting Out of the Memphis Hotel♦ Thanks for Not Killing Me♦ Out of Bed and Into the Tennessee ♦ The Lost Girls, and the Boy in the Bucket♦ Duncan’s Horses♦ Put Your Welcome Faces On!♦ The Giant Blue Fetus in Space♦ He Makes a Great Gasket♦ Tricky Words♦ The Things We’d Never Seen Before♦ Happy New Year, Happy No Year♦ Freedom, and an Unemployed Cog in the Hallway♦ Billy Hinman, Billy Hinman♦ This Was the Tennessee ♦ We Dance, and Queen Dot Accounts for Mexican Cuisine and Human Evolution♦ In Which We Find Out Where King Carlos Is and Suffer a Blow to Our Self-Esteem♦ Herman Melville Would Be Pleased♦ Eaters and Feeders♦ First Night of the Neveryear♦ It’s Time to Eat Now, and I Become Aware of My Balls♦ The Cruise Ship to End All Cruise Ships♦ The Nicest Giraffe I Ever Met♦ A Sleep Sandwich♦ Dumb Pointless Optimism♦ You Better Watch Out for the Monkeys♦ Cager Messer’s Can-Opener and Push-Ups List♦ Times That Aren’t Now♦ A Normal California Boy♦ Getting the Wrong Idea♦ Shakespeare’s Crowbar♦ The Porridge of Officer Dennis♦ If Thy Right Eye Offend Thee♦ What Kind of World♦ Mooney, Mooney!♦ This Is What We Saw♦ Are You One of Us?♦ Moon to Moon♦ Just Like Home♦ Helpless, Helpless, Helpless♦ V.1 Human Beings♦ Caveman & Spaceman♦ The Unlock Code♦ Righting the Ship♦ The Doctor and the Reverend♦ Epilogue: It Took Dominion Everywhere

Acknowledgments

I smell humans.

I am very happy about that.

Someone else is here on the Tennessee with Billy and me. We are not alone after all.

I might begin by explaining that we are either the last or the first of our kind, and I wonder what time it is that this has come to you—how long our story has waited to be told.

We are trapped inside a moon to our moon, in a home—a lifeless jar—called the Tennessee , where we spend our time, absurdly enough, with talking animals and machines that grow increasingly human by the hour.

Are you a person, or are you some kind of cog?

Either way, I feel a compelling obligation to tell you what it meant to be a human, at least as far as I can describe it accurately.

None of this is a lie.

“Is that a fucking tiger?” Billy Hinman asked.

“I think it is a fucking tiger,” I said.

I’ll admit that I had never seen a fucking tiger before.

It was certainly a day for checking things off Cager Messer’s infinite list of things he’s never done.

“An actual fucking tiger,” Billy whispered.