Lemony Snicket - File Under - 13 Suspicious Incidents

File Under: 13 Suspicious incidents

First published in Great Britain 2018

by Egmont UK Limited

The Yellow Building

1 Nicholas Road

London W11 4AN

Text copyright © 2018 Lemony Snicket

Art copyright © 2018 Seth

Illustrations published by arrangement with Little, Brown, and Company, New York, New York, USA. All rights reserved.

The moral rights of the author and artist have been asserted

First e-book edition 2018

Ebook ISBN 978 1 4052 7643 6

www.egmont.co.uk

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

CONTENTS

Cover

Title Page

Copyright File Under: 13 Suspicious incidents First published in Great Britain 2018 by Egmont UK Limited The Yellow Building 1 Nicholas Road London W11 4AN Text copyright © 2018 Lemony Snicket Art copyright © 2018 Seth Illustrations published by arrangement with Little, Brown, and Company, New York, New York, USA. All rights reserved. The moral rights of the author and artist have been asserted First e-book edition 2018 Ebook ISBN 978 1 4052 7643 6 www.egmont.co.uk A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Sub-file One: REPORTS. Sub-file One: REPORTS. Inside Job. Pinched Creature. Ransom Note. Walkie-Talkie. Bad Gang. Silver Spoon. Violent Butcher. Twelve or Thirteen. Midnight Demon. Three Suspects. Vanished Message. Troublesome Ghost. Figure in Fog.

INSIDE JOB.

PINCHED CREATURE.

RANSOM NOTE.

WALKIE-TALKIE.

BAD GANG.

SILVER SPOON.

VIOLENT BUTCHER.

TWELVE OR THIRTEEN.

MIDNIGHT DEMON.

THREE SUSPECTS.

VANISHED MESSAGE.

TROUBLESOME GHOST.

FIGURE IN FOG.

Sub-file B: CONCLUSIONS.

BLACK PAINT.

DEEP MINE.

DISHONEST SALESMAN.

BACKSEAT.

LOUD DOG.

QUIET STREET.

THROUGH THE WINDOW.

BENEATH THE STREET.

HOMEMADE FURNITURE.

SMALL COURTYARD.

TWENTY-FIVE GUESTS.

MISSING PETS.

SMALL SOUND.

LARGE MEAL.

CHALKED NAME.

OTHER NAME.

PANICKED FEET.

SAND AND SHORE.

VERY OBVIOUS.

POOR JOKE.

MESSAGE RECEIVED.

MESSAGE RECORDED.

TRAIN WRECK.

NERVOUS WRECK.

SHOUTED WORD.

LAST WORD.

Sub-file III: ALL THE WRONG QUESTIONS

Back series promotional page

ABOUT THE AUTHORS.

Please find enclosed herein thirteen (13) reports filed under “Suspicious Incidents” in our archives. The thirteen (13) reports have thirteen (13) conclusions which have been separated from their corresponding reports for security reasons. The reports are contained in sub-file One (1) and the conclusions in sub-file B (b) so that it is impossible for each report and conclusion to be in the same place at once. For your convenience, both sub-files are enclosed together in this bound volume.

The information contained herein is secret and important, meant only for members of our organization. If you are not a member of our organization, please put this down, as it is neither secret nor important and therefore will not interest you.

All misfiled information, by definition, is none of your business.

Sub-file One: REPORTS.

Inside Job. Pinched Creature. Ransom Note. Walkie-Talkie. Bad Gang. Silver Spoon. Violent Butcher. Twelve or Thirteen. Midnight Demon. Three Suspects. Vanished Message. Troublesome Ghost. Figure in Fog.

INSIDE JOB.

One morning I was arguing with the adult in charge of me. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you what that is like, and it is one of the world’s great difficulties that this sort of argument goes on nearly every place on almost every morning between practically every child and some adult or other. Another one of the world’s great difficulties was S. Theodora Markson. During my time in Stain’d-by-the-Sea, Theodora was my chaperone and I was her apprentice. Being her apprentice meant that we shared a small room in a hotel called the Lost Arms. The room was too small to share with one of the world’s great difficulties, and this was probably why we were arguing.

“Lemony Snicket,” she was saying to me, “tell me exactly what being an apprentice means.”

“S. Theodora Markson,” I said, “tell me exactly what the S stands for in your name.”

“Snide answers aren’t proper,” she said. “They’re not sensible.”

“I know it,” I said, and I did. “Snide” is a word which here means “the kind of tone you use in an argument,” and “sensible” refers to the tone you are supposed to use instead.

“If you’re smart enough to know that,” Theodora said, snidely, “then tell me all about being an apprentice.”

“You and I are in a secret organization,” I began, but Theodora looked wildly around the room and shook her head at me. My chaperone’s hair was a crazed and woolly mess, so when she looked around the room and shook her head, it was like seeing something go wrong at a mop factory.

“Shush!” she hissed.

“Why shush?”

“You know why shush. You shouldn’t talk about our secret organization. You shouldn’t even say the words ‘secret organization’ out loud.”

“You’ve just said them twice.”

“It doesn’t count if I say it in order to tell you not to say it.”

“Well, what can I say instead?”

“You know what.”

“No, I don’t know what,” I said. “That’s why I asked you.”

“Say ‘you know what,’ ” Theodora said, “instead of ‘secret organization.’ That way you won’t have to say ‘secret organization’ out loud, which you should never do.”

“Except in order to tell me not to say it,” I reminded her, and went on with my answer. “You and I are in you know what, and being your apprentice means I’m learning all the methods and techniques used by you know what. There are sinister plots afoot in this town, and you and I should be working together to defeat them in the name of you know what.”

“Wrong,” Theodora said, with a stern hair-shake. “Being my apprentice means you do everything I say.”

“That’s not what I was told,” I said.

“Who told you?”

“You know who,” I said, just to be safe, “at you know what, you know where, when, and how.”

“You’re talking nonsense,” Theodora said. “Breakfast is ready. As your chaperone, I’m telling you to hand me two napkins.”

“As your apprentice,” I said, “I’m telling you we don’t have any.”

“I suppose it doesn’t matter,” Theodora said, and I suppose she was right. My chaperone made us breakfast every morning on a metal plate provided by the Lost Arms. When you flicked a switch the plate got hot, and this morning Theodora had laid two slices of bread on it and then begun arguing with me. Now the bread was burned black on one side, like a shingle covered in tar, and the other side was soft and cold from sitting on the windowsill we used as a refrigerator. A napkin would not turn a half-burned, half-cold piece of bread into breakfast. A garbage bin would have been more helpful. I put the failed toast in my mouth anyway. Theodora didn’t think it was proper for her apprentice to talk with his mouth full, so it was the best way to avoid talking to her.