Max Brallier - The Last Kids on Earth and the Cosmic Beyond

That night, the strange human villain haunts my dreams, like the baddie in an ’80s horror movie . . .

I wake up shivering. Partly from the cold – because yeah, IT IS FREEZING. My winter sleeping outfit is someone’s weird old Halloween CHEWBACCA COSTUME. And Quint’s makeshift heater – a bunch of PlayStations and Xboxes piled on top of one another – is not working.

But mostly, it’s a shiver of fear.

That was a human villain. A human villain using MY WEAPON as part of a bad-dude plan. We need to find that human and retrieve my Louisville Slicer. And soon! Because if this monster-riding human decides to attack, I’m afraid we’re unprepared . . .

See, our monster town is now a ghost town . The monsters are huddled up inside stores and shops inside Wakefield Town Square, too terrified of the snow to come out.

This must be fixed.

I brew some hot chocolate, and the smell soon has my buddies waking. ‘Guys,’ I say. ‘This villain lady knows stuff about Ŗeżżőcħ. So, if a fight goes down – and fights DO KIND OF ALWAYS GO DOWN AROUND HERE – then we need our monster buddies ready to rumble alongside us. And they are not ready to rumble.’

Moments later, we’re outside having a –

LIGHT-HEARTED, JUST-HORSING-AROUND, BUDDY SNOWBALL BATTLE!

‘Isn’t winter the best?!’ I shout as I hurl a snowball.

‘Such a delight!’ June says.

Monsters start watching. Some are huddled up in blankets, peering through frosty windows. I think I even see one watching through a mailbox slot. I grin.

‘Guys, play up the fun!’ I whisper. ‘Everyone loves a good friendly snowball fight!’

That’s when Quint appears on the deck of the tree house with an armful of snowball artillery. Our old-fashioned snowball battle turns awesomely post-apocalyptic and gadgetfied.

Dirk wields our old Tennis Blaster 2000 – which is now the Mobile Snow Sphere Slinger – and things intense . . .

We’re all giggling and laughing and freezing.

And it’s working. A monster comes shambling out and joins the fun!

Unfortunately, that monster is Biggun. He scoops up a Biggun-sized snowball and –

FROSTY BIGGUN BLAST!

And that’s the end of that. The Biggun Blast freezes us to the core. We spend the rest of the day in the tree house, huddled up near the video game systems, trying to get warm.

And the monsters are now extra freaked out. They’ve become afraid of snow in both flake form and ball form.

When we’ve finally finished thawing out, Dirk makes a suggestion: ice fishing.

‘Fish for ice?’ I ask. ‘Why would we fish for ice ? Ice is everywhere! The whole world is basically a Super Mario snow level.’

‘No, dork,’ Dirk says. ‘You fish for fish through a hole in the ice. It’s my favourite part about winter. C’mon. I know a spot.’

We convince Skaelka and a few other monsters to join us. They agree – but only after I promise they’ll get to eat GIANT HUNKS OF RAW FISH.

We’re walking along a wooded trail, freezing our butts off, when I hear movement in the trees.

‘Whoa, look!’ Junes says. ‘Two little critters just went tumbling past!’

Skaelka halts. A strange snarl sound escapes her nostrils and her hands tighten around her axe. She suddenly means business.

‘What’s the alone one?’ June asks.

‘One not in the community,’ Skaelka says. ‘One that does not matter.’

And the way Skaelka says it – it’s clear the conversation is over. Skaelka is no big fan of the alone one .

At the lake, I learn something that’s a bummer: ice fishing is the most boring thing on earth. You drill a hole in the ice and you just sit there! That’s literally it! THE WHOLE THING! You can’t even talk because apparently that ‘scares away the fish.’

After the fifth hour of cold nothingness, I say, ‘If monsters don’t get me first, I will die of boredom.’

‘Hey! No talking!’ Dirk says. ‘Listen to nature. Hear the peace and quiet and –’

ICE TENTACLE BURST!

So . . . fishing was a big fat icy fail. The only thing we caught was a cold. And there’s no way Quint with a runny nose is going to get any creature excited about winter.

I’m sitting in the tree house, bemoaning all this, when Quint says, ‘SNOWMEN!’

‘Snow creatures !’ June declares.

I keep my mouth shut – but I have thoughts on snowmen. One word: OVERRATED. It’s one of those things that sounds awesome but is never as good as you think it’s going to be. I always start off excited about building some massive amazing snowman, but then a few hours later –

But, we actually do pretty good! Dirk is, like, a master snow craftsman. He even gets out a tool kit and carves a totally beautiful ice sculpture. Dude is full of hidden talents.

It’s going well – until the monsters get a load of our constructions – and then it goes bad . . .

"What about ice skating?” June asks. "Ice skating is fun. And before you give me grief – I’m not talking regular ice skating. I’m talking end-of-the-world-ice-skating . Down the old highway that runs to the beach and boardwalk!”

Dirk’s in, because he’s a hockey master. June’s in, because she’s generally athletic, nimble, and above-average at everything. Quint’s in because he doesn’t like being left out of things.

It goes awry – of course.

It goes awry because this massive hibernating horror wakes up and goes nuts . . .

I’m beat; totally out of ideas for turning our monster friends into winter-lovers. And even worse, we’re no closer to figuring out what the deal is with the Villainess and what she did with my Louisville Slicer! She could be – I dunno – slow dancing with it right now!

Argh.

I need a long winter nap. So I head to our hammock, but when I get there, I see that June’s beat me to it. And she looks even more bummed out than I feel.