Andrew Smith: Grasshopper Jungle

For Michael Bourret,

who would not allow me to quit.

First published in the USA in 2014 by Dutton Books,

a division of the Penguin Group (USA) Inc.,

375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA

First published in Great Britain in 2014

by Electric Monkey – an imprint of Egmont UK Limited

The Yellow Building, 1 Nicholas Road, London W11 4AN

Text copyright © 2014 Andrew Smith

The moral rights of the author have been asserted

First e-book edition 2013

ISBN 978 1 4052 7341 1

eISBN 978 1 7803 1621 5

www.egmont.co.uk

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Stay safe online. Any website addresses listed in this book are correct at the time of going to print. However, Egmont is not responsible for content hosted by third parties. Please be aware that online content can be subject to change and websites can contain content that is unsuitable for children. We advise that all children are supervised when using the internet.

EGMONT

Our story began over a century ago, when seventeen-year-old Egmont Harald Petersen found a coin in the street. He was on his way to buy a flyswatter, a small hand-operated printing machine that he then set up in his tiny apartment.

The coin brought him such good luck that today Egmont has offices in over 30 countries around the world. And that lucky coin is still kept at the company’s head offices in Denmark.

Ealing, Iowa, is a fictional town. None of the characters and places in this book actually exist. Any similarities between events and characters to actual history only occur in the true portions of this book, which aren’t that many.

Contents

Cover

Title page

Copyright For Michael Bourret, who would not allow me to quit. First published in the USA in 2014 by Dutton Books, a division of the Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA First published in Great Britain in 2014 by Electric Monkey – an imprint of Egmont UK Limited The Yellow Building, 1 Nicholas Road, London W11 4AN Text copyright © 2014 Andrew Smith The moral rights of the author have been asserted First e-book edition 2013 ISBN 978 1 4052 7341 1 eISBN 978 1 7803 1621 5 www.egmont.co.uk A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher. Stay safe online. Any website addresses listed in this book are correct at the time of going to print. However, Egmont is not responsible for content hosted by third parties. Please be aware that online content can be subject to change and websites can contain content that is unsuitable for children. We advise that all children are supervised when using the internet. EGMONT Our story began over a century ago, when seventeen-year-old Egmont Harald Petersen found a coin in the street. He was on his way to buy a flyswatter, a small hand-operated printing machine that he then set up in his tiny apartment. The coin brought him such good luck that today Egmont has offices in over 30 countries around the world. And that lucky coin is still kept at the company’s head offices in Denmark.

PART ONE: EALING PART 1: EALING

Kimber Drive• Fixing Feet• Louis Asks a Rhetorical Question• There’s Blood on Your Spam• Grant Wallace Murdered Me• What Made This Country Great• Shann’s New Old House• Going Somewhere You Shouldn’t Go• Robby’s Volcano• Doors That Go Somewhere; Doors That Go Nowhere• Curfew• Stupid People Should Never Read Books• The Death-Ray Gun• Robby Could Have Been a Preacher• Never Name a Pizza Joint Stan’s• If You Ever Want to Get Shot in Ealing• The Trapdoor• Hungry Jack• Johnny’s Things• Two-Headed Boy• Blue Light• Priorities• Hell Breaks Loose• History Is Full of Shit

PART TWO: WATERLOO CORNFIELD

Palindromes• A Bath, a Shave, and Modesty• Johnny and Ollie• The Patch Job• Say Please• A Snapshot• Haggled• The Boy in the Glass • Skating and Kayaking • Eden Five Needs You • An Awful Lot of Math • Tally-Ho! • The Inner Tomb • And Here’s Number Five • Taking Drags • A Visitor Comes and Goes • The Thing in the Cornfield

PART THREE: THE SILO

A Tough Day at Curtis Crane Lutheran Academy • Bugs Do Two Things • A Gift from Johnny McKeon • Shann Calls • My Mom’s Little Blue Kayaks • Pages from History • School Prayers • The Vice President’s Balls • Modern-Day Nightingales • Shann, the Horny Polish Kid, and Satan • Four Photographs • The President’s Sperm • The Virgin Saint and His Ward • The Diving Bell • The Popular Girl • Welcome to Eden • Some Kind of Sign • Gimme Shelter • The Dragon Parade • Soup from Paint Cans • Gideon’s Breeding Rights • The Queen of the Universe • The Library and the New Tally-Ho! • Ventilator Blues • Something Always Happens While Someone Else Dances • Lucky, in Polish Boy Names • Movie Night in Eden • The Good Doctor Accounts for History • Unstoppable Corn! Unstoppable Corn! • Three of Five • The Orphan Felek

PART FOUR: THE END OF THE WORLD

We, the New Humans • Last Legs • Davy Crockett and Daniel Boone Never Wore Coonskin Caps • Garlic, Dr Pepper, and Crystal Meth • Clickety Clickety • On the Roof Again • Denny Drayton Has a Gun, Motherfucker • Exile in Eden • A Chance Meeting under a Portrait of a Presbyterian, or, Calvin Coolidge’s Canoe • A Most Soothing Showerhead • Infinita Milites! Infinita Milites! • Robby the Theologian • Satan and the Pastor • Serial Killer USA • Looking for Wiggles • Concerning the Bison, and Free Will • Population Explosion • Everything a Guy Could Need, and the Two Best Rock Albums Ever Made • The Blood of God • Wanda Mae’s Pink Bowling Ball • Rules Are Rules, but the Brain Room Is Not Particularly Brainy • Never Look for Ice Cream in a Sperm Freezer • A Real Concrete Iowa Thinker • Nighttime in Eden • Too Bad for Boys Like Me • The Worst Imaginable Small-Town Social Blunder • The Right Kind of Cigarettes to Smoke Just Before You Kill Something • There Are No Cup-O-Noodles in Eden • Rat Boys from Mars, and an Unfortunate Incident Involving an Inflatable Whale • The Battle of the Del Vista Arms • The End of the World • Pictures of Robby and Shann • The Intergalactic Bug Cops • Enola Gay and Beau Barton’s Boner • The Battle of Kelsey Creek Bridge • Great Big Jar

EPILOGUE: LUCKY, A CIGARETTE RUN, AND THE BISON

Acknowledgments

About the Author

PART 1:

EALING