Lisa Heathfield - Seed

I’m filled with happiness. Suddenly the bleeding and the strange, uncomfortable way of walking are absolutely fine, because now I am a woman.

‘Elizabeth,’ I say. But the water is falling too loudly for her to hear.

The sound changes as we head into the woods and the rain hits the leaves far above us.

‘Where are we going?’ I ask, but Elizabeth just smiles.

Finally, we get to the clearing where Papa S’s Worship Chair sits in the middle. It has fresh ivy woven around its frame. Elizabeth walks towards it, and then she’s going too close – she’s walking into the forbidden circle. I look around, but no one is here to see. I look up into the branches, but no Kindreds are hidden there.

I hold my breath as she reaches for the chair. ‘No, Elizabeth,’ I whisper.

‘It is bidden,’ she says quietly, as she starts to lift the chair. I can see that it is heavy, but I can’t help. Papa S sees everything and Elizabeth is in the forbidden circle, touching his Worship Chair.

She drags it to the side and begins to kick at the thick leaves underneath. Then she’s on her hands and knees, moving the leaves away until I see a large metal hoop. She pulls it, and it opens a small wooden door flat on the ground.

‘What are you doing?’ I ask.

She is not smiling now. ‘I promise you will be OK,’ she says. She takes the matches from her apron, strikes one and lights the lantern.

And then I understand. I look down into the hole. There are steps that end in blackness. She wants me to go down.

‘I want to go back to the house,’ I say. But I don’t move. I don’t run away.

‘You must trust me, Pearl.’ Her wet hair still shines so blonde. She holds the lantern in one hand, the other hand resting on her pregnant belly.

And I know I love her, so I know I must trust her. I step forwards, into the forbidden circle, and start to go cautiously down the steps. Elizabeth follows me and the light from the lantern shows us the way. At the bottom is a tiny room dug into the earth.

I look at Elizabeth. In the candlelight her cheeks look sunken, her eyes hollow. Is there fear hidden within her?

‘I’ve seen it now,’ I say quietly. My voice sounds flat as it catches in the earth. ‘Can I go?’

‘We have all done this, Pearl. Every woman at Seed. I promise you will be all right.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘When you get your first Blessing, when you first start to bleed, you must stay with Nature so that she may give you the gift of a healthy womb,’ she says.

I don’t understand. I just stare at her in the flickering light.

‘You must stay deep in her womb, so your own womb may become fertile.’

‘What do you mean, fertile?’

‘So that when it is your time, you will be able to have children.’

‘I don’t want to be here, Elizabeth.’ My voice cracks as I start to cry. I look at the earth circling me and I’m suddenly filled with terror. Does she want me to stay here?

She puts the lamp down and wraps her arms around me, her face hidden in the shadows. ‘You know that you must not cry. Your life spirit will leave you and without it, you are nothing.’

I can smell the sweetness of her vanilla scent. It masks the smell of the blood and the damp earth that is blocking the air.

‘It won’t be for long.’

‘So you’ll shut the trapdoor?’ The words fall from my mouth.

Elizabeth steps back and nods. She’s trying to smile.

‘But how will I breathe?’

Elizabeth picks up the lantern and shines it on the bottom of the curved earth walls. Tiny black pipes stick out all around. ‘I have been here, Pearl. It’s all right.’

‘It’s not,’ I say, and I start to cry again. ‘I don’t want to stay.’ My voice is getting louder and Elizabeth looks up the steps towards the light above.

‘Shh, now. Papa S must not hear you cry. And Nature is hearing every word.’ Then she puts down the lantern once again and turns to go up the steps.

I can’t move. Something holds me to the ground. I want to run after Elizabeth, pull her back, to escape, but I just watch as she goes up towards the air. The last thing I see is her blonde hair as she quickly lowers the trapdoor. It shuts with a muffled thud.

Faintly, I can hear Elizabeth scrabbling about with the leaves. Then I hear a dragging of something heavy. She must be pushing the wooden Worship Chair back over the top.

Every part of me wants to scream. Every nerve, every cell, wants to run up the steps and bang on that wooden door and scream until my lungs burn. But I don’t. I know that Nature is watching me. And Papa S will know.

So I stand and stare at the flickering earth walls, with their overwhelming dank smell. I stand and stare at the mud above me and around me and under me. I stand and listen to the sound of my own breathing.

Surely she will be back soon?

CHAPTER TWO

The candle is burning down so slowly. I don’t want to move. The ground is cold through my trousers. I try to imagine that I’m dreaming, but I know I’m not.

Elizabeth does not come. The melting wax makes slippery shapes on the earth wall. The flame bulges and straightens, dancing in the silence.

I must have been here an hour, if not more. There’s no one above me. No one is coming. When the candle burns down, I will disappear into the darkness.

‘Elizabeth?’ I call out softly. Of course she can’t hear me. No one can hear me. There’s no one there.

My stomach is starting to hurt with hunger, a rumbling pain. It’s something I’ve barely felt before. At Seed, no one is hungry. There is always food, there is always drink.

‘Thank you, Nature,’ I whisper. I kiss my palm, press it flat into the earth. It’s bumpy against my skin. I imagine how deep the earth goes beneath me.

Kate and Jack will notice I’m gone. They will ask about me.

I close my eyes. It can’t be long now.

But I’m finding it difficult to breathe. What if those pipes don’t work? What if they’re blocked and I slowly run out of air? My breath is sticking in my throat. It’s got nowhere to go. Am I going to suffocate? Is this how I am going to die?

‘Help me, Nature,’ I say. She must hear me, because there’s a rustling of leaves above my head, a heavy scraping of the Worship Chair. And as the door is lifted, the sunlight floods in so sharply that I have to cover my eyes.

I am free. So I start to move towards the steps, just as Elizabeth comes down to get me. She is carrying something. When she reaches the bottom, she takes off the cloth covering it. It is a bowl of soup. A spoon and a chunk of bread sink into it.

‘I must be quick,’ Elizabeth says, her voice hushed as she puts the bowl on the floor.

‘But I’m coming with you,’ I reply.

‘I’ll be back in the morning. Just after sunrise.’ She tries to hug me, but I grab at her hands.

‘No, Elizabeth, you can’t leave me here.’ I’m crying, sudden and startling in the quiet circle of earth.

‘Think of the rewards, Pearl. You will have a healthy womb. And when Papa S says it is the right time, you will have children.’

‘No.’ I’m trying to stay calm. ‘No, I can’t stay here.’

‘You must.’ She’s trying to peel my hands away.

‘I’ll die if you leave me. I can’t breathe in here, Elizabeth.’ I want her to look at me. I want her to understand, but she wants to go back up the stairs. She’s trying to get away.

‘Pearl, you must let me go,’ she says quietly. Then she looks at me with those eyes of clover green. ‘Nature will protect you. There’s no harm that can come to you here. You are privileged.’ Elizabeth finally frees her hands and kisses me on the head. ‘You are safe, Pearl, you are loved.’ Then she rushes up the steps. I reach for the material of her skirt, but she’s gone.