Lisa Heathfield - Paper Butterflies

He looks back briefly and tries to put his thumb up, but it makes him wobble, so he carries on looking straight ahead.

The water is here and my dad follows the path, so that the river runs along the side of us. I won’t look at it. I won’t hear it. I’ll see only his wheels going round and round. If I go slightly to the side, I can see the spokes spinning so fast that they almost disappear.

I know we’re not far.

I see it in the distance and suddenly I can’t and won’t take my eyes away.

I love you, Mom.

I hadn’t meant to cry today. It’s difficult to see, but I can’t wipe my eyes without the bike toppling.

The little wooden statue of a heron, stuck tight into the grass, looks out, motionless, over the water. I can see the flowers that Dad and I tucked next to it.

My fingers pull the brakes and my bike slows until I’m right next to my mom’s heron.

Up ahead, I hear my dad stop. The path crunches louder as he makes his way back. I look up at him.

‘Our flowers are dying,’ I tell him. The petals are curling, their colours fading.

‘They’ve been here a week,’ he says.

‘I wanted them to last longer.’ They were for my mom, three different bunches, for each of the years without her.

My dad leans over to try to hug me, but our bikes make it awkward and his arms are heavy.

I won’t look at the water.

‘Shall we keep going?’ my dad asks. He’s sad and this was our happy day. I nod, even though I want to stay here, with my mom’s heron staring out, looking for her.

He begins to pedal slowly away and I stay close behind him.

‘Shall we go to the High Point?’ he calls over his shoulder.

‘Yes,’ I shout back.

It’s not far to bike and the bottom of the hill is close to the path.

‘There’s no way I’m biking up that,’ my dad laughs. It stretches green and steep, the war monument perched proudly on the top. ‘But I’ll race you!’ And he’s off, way ahead of me.

‘That’s cheating.’ I put my bike down gently next to his and I’m running like a leopard. I’m getting closer to him. My legs ache and my breathing burns, but I love it. I push myself faster, but he gets there first. He’s lying on his back, his tummy going up and down so quickly.

I fall down next to him.

‘You need to get fit,’ he laughs. ‘Less eating so much party food and more exercise.’

I hold my breath.

The thought of chocolate cake creeps up my throat.

‘I’m glad your friends came round though,’ my dad says. He stretches out on his side and leans his head on the triangle of his arm. ‘So it’s getting easier, is it?’

I look down at the grass. I pick a blade and another. Picking them and just throwing them away.

‘It’s not going to change overnight, honey, but having a few friends round for your birthday is a start.’

Tell him. There were no friends. It’s all a lie. But my head can’t seem to start the words.

‘Kath tried so hard to make it good for you.’ He sweeps his palm gently across the top of the grass. ‘We’re lucky to have her, aren’t we?’ When he looks at me, I know I can’t say it. He’s got a happiness in his eyes that was burnt out when Mom died. ‘I don’t know what I’d do without her.’

‘I wish I had skin your colour,’ I say. I don’t know why that suddenly comes out now. And it’s sort of not true. Not all the time, in any case. I got my skin from my mom and I want to keep it.

‘Oh, honey.’ He puts his arm out for me and I curl into him and suddenly I feel so safe. I want to stay lying like this forever, where no one can touch me, no one can hurt me. ‘Have other kids been saying things again?’ I don’t move. I don’t nod, or shake my head. Nothing. ‘I know it’s hard, but you’ve just got to ignore them. You’re a beautiful little girl. Every part of you – your brown skin, your big smile, your eyes like perfect chocolate buttons that I want to eat every time I look at you.’

He pretends to eat my cheek, but it tickles and I squirm away.

‘I wish I had long, blonde hair,’ I say. ‘And it’d be so straight.’

‘No, you don’t want that,’ my dad says.

But that’s what she’s got , I want to say. You love Kathleen because of her hair.

‘You see, hair like yours is special. You don’t want to be one of the crowd. It’s good to stand out. To be a bit unique.’

No. I want to sit on the bus with blonde hair. I don’t want Ryan sticking pencils in it, because he says they’ll get stuck. I want to walk down the corridor without them making bird noises at the bird’s nest of my hair.

‘You are so like your mom,’ my dad says. ‘She learnt to keep her head held high and that’s what you’re doing too. You’re worth something, June.’

I press my head into his chest until I find his heart, the steady beat of it. Yes no yes no.

I can’t imagine that my mom’s heart stopped. If it had just kept beating, she’d be here with us now.

I move on to my back and stretch my arm out. If I concentrate really hard, I can feel her fingers in mine. There they are. The warmth of her palm. She strokes my thumb with her own.

Oh, Mom, I miss you.

‘Come on.’ My dad jumps up suddenly. He tugs at my arm and I stand and we walk hand in hand to the monument at the very top. We step on to the stone base and turn to look down over the land. We’re giants and this is our kingdom.

The sun is so warm on my face, my arms, my bare legs. Below, there are tiny fields and houses that I could balance on my fingernails.

Somewhere, Kathleen is the size of an ant. I lift my foot and stretch it out. I see her raise her hands and I smile as I bring the sole of my shoe down hard on her face.

My dad laughs. ‘What are you doing?’

I close my eyes as he puts his strong arm round me. It’s just me and him now. Together we can conquer the world.

‘It’ll only be for one night.’

‘But I don’t want you to go.’ Fear grips me. Dad’s never gone and left me in the house with Kathleen and Megan overnight.

‘I have to. I have no choice.’ He’s tucking me up in bed and stroking back my hair. He’ll be gone by the time I wake up in the morning and he won’t be back until Friday.

‘Can’t I come with you?’ I ask. ‘I’ll be really quiet. They won’t know I’m there.’

‘You’ve got school to go to.’

‘I could miss it. It’s just two days. And I’ll work really hard to catch up.’

‘Pumpkin, you can’t. There’s no way round this. But it’s not for long. And you’ll have a lovely time. Kath has got lots of nice things planned.’

I go cold all over and turn towards the wall. My head starts to pound and I know I’m going to cry.

‘Come on, June, don’t be like this. Some dads have to go away quite a lot. This is the first time I’ve had to do it.’

But I pull the duvet high over my head.

I feel the mattress lighten and I know he’s got up. There’s a pressure on my back where he must have put his hand. Then it lifts and I can hear him walking gently across my bedroom floor. The door opens and it clicks closed.

He’s gone.

And I didn’t let him kiss me goodbye.

I know that it’s Ryan pulling my hair. On and on, while Miss Hawthorne sits talking to us. She doesn’t notice. She’s too intent on telling us about the angles of a triangle.

‘Oi, Juniper.’ He’s shuffled forward and is whispering in my ear. ‘Caught any fish today?’

I keep staring to the front. I watch Miss Hawthorne’s mouth move, but I don’t hear many of her words.

Kathleen didn’t do anything bad this morning. She woke me up and I got dressed. My heart had been knocking against my skin.