Lisa Heathfield - I Am Not a Number

I don’t want to see any more of it. I don’t want to believe that it’s happening. So I close my eyes. Are they doing this with Year Eight? Are they going to make my sister choose?

‘I’m not ashamed.’ The voice that makes me look up is Conor’s. He’s pulling a purple Core Party band up his arm, positioning it so that the yellow steps are visible for everyone to see.

‘Ignorance is not something to be proud of,’ Chris Stewart says, glaring at him. I think Conor is going to say something else, but the soldiers with the guns stand straight and he walks back to his seat.

There are a handful of people in the rows in front who have the purple band. The logo of the steps are meant to represent walking up to a brighter, better future, yet not enough people seem to be listening. Or are they just scared? I wish my dad was here, as he’d tell them not to be intimidated. But he lives so far away now that he might not even know this is going on.

It’s my turn. Our line stands up and I follow Jen along the length of chairs. Luke is behind me. The air, all of the sounds, seem to have been sucked from the room as we walk to the front. I can’t tell which I feel more – defiance or fear. But there’s never any doubt about which I’ll choose.

I don’t look at the soldiers, at their empty eyes and loaded guns, as I pull the purple band over my wrist and the sleeve of my jumper. The material it’s made of is stretchy and clings to my arm. I twist it so that the steps face out and as I walk back to my seat I keep my head held high. I look calm, but if you sliced me open now you’d see my heart struggling to keep up with its beating.

I sit down and for a while I don’t look at Luke. I know his dad is a strong Core supporter as he goes to meetings with my mum and my step-dad, Darren. And I know Luke’s thoughts and that he’d want to choose that. But did he? With bullets so close by, did he stay strong to his beliefs?

‘Look at me, Rube,’ he whispers. I do. He has a purple band on his arm.

I want to smile, but I can’t.

In the corridor, everyone is strangely quiet. No one quite looks in each other’s eyes.

‘I want to find Lilli,’ I say to Luke. ‘She’s normally in the canteen at first break.’

‘I’ll come with you,’ Luke says, putting his hand in mine. I try not to see people’s arms, but there are far, far more green bands than purple. I’ve never felt vulnerable in school before, but I do now. It almost feels like being dropped in the sea and circled by sharks. I have to remind myself that everyone is just the same as they were this morning. No one has really changed.

At least it feels normal in the canteen. It’s not as busy in here as it is at lunchtime, but there’re still lots of people talking and plates being thumped on to trays. Luke and I walk past tables, towards the one where Lilli and her friends are huddled together. They’re the girls she came up from primary school with. The Tight-Knits they used to call themselves, before other kids took the mick.

Lilli is laughing but stops the moment she looks at me. She moves her arm back, but I’ve already seen the green band.

‘She chose the Trads,’ I say to Luke, pulling him to slow down. He looks confused, but when he glances at Lilli I know he sees it too.

‘Ruby,’ he says, putting his hands on my shoulders. ‘She would’ve felt alone in there and just copied her friends.’

‘But she’s not a Trad.’

‘I know. But this is what they want to happen. They want Core families to rip themselves apart, so they can show proof that we’re the bad ones.’

‘Darren’ll be furious.’

‘He won’t. He’ll understand,’ Luke says. ‘And if she falls out with him then she’ll need you by her side.’ He bends down to kiss me. ‘You can do this.’

My sister’s table is completely quiet when we get to it.

‘Hey, Lils,’ I say, hating the fact that my voice sounds so forced happy. ‘You okay?’

‘Yes,’ she says, but she doesn’t look it.

‘What are you eating?’

‘Just a doughnut.’

Her skinny arm has that green armband clamped round it, but I concentrate on looking at her face instead.

‘Enjoy it,’ I say. ‘I just wanted to check you’re all right.’

‘Yeah,’ she says. ‘I’m fine.’

‘Good. Love you, Chicken Bones,’ I tell her, faking a smile. She doesn’t make a fuss that I just called her that in front of her friends. Instead, she looks like she might cry, which’ll be far more embarrassing for her than some stupid nickname. So I pull Luke away with me.

As we walk out of the canteen I look around. Hannah Maynard has a green band on. Her boyfriend, Tre, who I know is a Core, has a Trad band glaring from his arm. By the door we pass Hunter Melville. He’s kind of like the boss of Year Eight. He puts his arm out to show me as we walk by. A Core. I smile at him, genuine now. At least there are bits of surprising light in this grim day.

I don’t see Sara again until lesson four. I’ve wanted to text her, but Mr Edwards has clamped down on phones so bad recently that I don’t want to risk him taking mine for a few days. Sara’s sitting in her usual seat, the empty chair next to her waiting for me.

‘Hey,’ she says.

‘Hey back,’ I say. ‘Have you been hiding from me?’

‘No.’ Her face is shocked and tells me she has. ‘It’s a weird day.’

‘Yeah.’

Miss Hajiev walks into the classroom. She has the green band with the slash of red on her arm. So they’re even getting teachers to do it too.

‘This thing doesn’t change anything,’ Sara says, pointing to the Trad band on her own arm.

‘Course not,’ I say.

‘Right, class,’ Miss Hajiev says. ‘You’ve homework to hand in, I believe.’

There are groans from people as the air tries to click back into its normal place.

‘I bet it’s only for a few days.’

‘Yeah,’ I say. But the word just balances there. It doesn’t step into a patch of truth.

I wait for Luke after school. I want to feel more confident and look everyone with a Trad band in the eye, but instead I keep focused on the floor as I stand here, scuffing my shoe backwards and forwards until I make a strong line in the dust.

A gob of saliva lands in front of my foot. I look up and Shaun Williams is standing so close, with bully sunk deep in his eyes.

‘Core scum,’ he says. People glance over, but no one stops.

‘Rather that than be a Trad,’ I say, pulling my bag closer on my shoulder.

‘You can’t hide it any more,’ he says. ‘So you’ll just have to keep watching your back.’

‘Or what?’ Luke says, appearing at my side. He’s at least a foot taller than Shaun, but Shaun is wider.

‘You’ll have to wait and see,’ Shaun says.

Luke just laughs. ‘We’ll look forward to it. Now ’scuse us, we’ve got better places to be.’ And he grabs my hand as we start to walk away.

‘What, like a Core meeting, or something?’ Shaun shouts. ‘I wouldn’t risk going to one of those if I was you.’

I look back without even meaning to. Shaun raises a finger at me and slices it across his neck. I want to think of an insult, but my mind fills with nothing.

‘He’s not worth it,’ Luke tells me. And at least we’re together as we hurry away from the school, away from the weird day, from friends who are suddenly strangers. Through all the streets, only stopping when we get to the low wall that runs along the side of the disused railway track.

Normally we’re not that careful as we jump over the bricks that lead to the overgrown slope, but today I don’t want anyone to see.

‘Do you think it’s a good idea?’ I ask. Part of me wants to get home, even though Mum isn’t back from work for another hour. Maybe I should be there with Lilli – but what are we going to say to each other now I know what she chose? Will she hide the band under her bed and lie to Mum and Darren?