Darcie Boleyn - Something Old, Something New

I sigh. I should get up and begin the first Monday back at work after Christmas but I’m reluctant. It’s dark and cold. The heating should have come on but the timer must be playing up again. Unless I forgot to reset it. It means I’ll probably have to call a plumber out and it will cost the earth and I can hardly afford that right after Christmas. All these little things mount up and can become big things if I let them. But I won’t let them. I’m the responsible adult here and I have to stay strong for the kids. Have to get up, get them up, get myself ready, get them ready, go out and be presentable then earn a wage so that I can keep a roof over their heads and food in their bellies. I have to set my children a good example. I have to provide them with security and stability. I have to be their centre, their role model, their guide.

Gah…

Sometimes… just sometimes, it all seems too hard. Especially on a chilly January morning right after Christmas. The worst time of the year.

To be alone.

I pull the duvet over my face and breathe in the sweet, comforting – yet scientifically fabricated – essence of jasmine and honeysuckle. It helps a little bit.

My thoughts drift, as they sometimes do – in spite of my repeated vows not to indulge myself because this behaviour really is ridiculous and helps no one – to that first Christmas with Evan when life seemed so full of excitement and potential. Meeting at university in our shared major class of communication studies, we’d quickly become inseparable. Growing up, I’d sworn that I’d never fall in love, never get married or have children, vowed that I would be self-reliant and never allow a man to hurt me. However, one kiss from Evan and I was hooked. As hard as I tried to remain rational about him, it was impossible. With his bright blue-green eyes and long, curly black hair, he was like a singer from a rockband. But unlike an unreachable celebrity, he was real, right there for me to love. And he loved me too.

I shouldn’t do this; but sometimes it’s nice to think about the good times. Before I was even divorced once, before I knew how painful love can be. But I did love him and life seemed so full of hope when we first got together. We were both going to be successful at our chosen careers – Evan wanted to be a music journalist and work for Kerrang or NME, while I wanted to be the next David Bailey. We planned on travelling the world and meeting all sorts of people. In my head, it was a dream I could enjoy because it meant that I’d get to keep my independence and earn a good wage whilst being in love. We knew we’d be separated on occasions, but that was all right too, as we’d be saving for our future and building a life together. In my bohemian undergraduate haze, I never thought much beyond the initial days of our life together after graduation. I didn’t fine-tune the marriage or family details because I just didn’t want to face those scary hurdles, not even in a daydream. But life has a way of making you face your fears even when you try very hard not to.

Just before Christmas, in the final year of my studies, I applied to do a Masters of the Fine Arts in Photography following graduation. Then things took an unexpected turn. I had to admit that I was feeling unwell, but for a while I tried to blame the pressure of my studies and my part-time job. I was exhausted and felt quite faint a lot of the time, even after a good night’s sleep. Things smelt funny, my breasts grew tender and coffee made me heave. I was, of course, pregnant. We were being careful and using condoms but nothing is 100% and we got caught out. I was terrified because it seemed to mean the end of our hopes and dreams. Evan was shocked when I told him but he swore that he’d support me, stay with me and care for the baby.

So we gave it a shot. For the baby. For us. For the dreams we’d shared.

I wonder now, with hindsight, if I was destined to destroy my own relationships; if my father bowing out as he did shaped who I would become. I’ve watched enough TV to know that it probably did. I desperately didn’t want to become a product of my upbringing, a kind of clichéd stereotype, but perhaps it was inevitable.

Ironically, in spite of my beliefs that releasing Evan from domesticity would allow him to realise his dreams, he didn’t become the rock journalist he thought he’d be – following an uncertain career where the income would have been unstable, a career that wouldn’t have suited parenthood. Instead, being an ICT whizz, he made his fortune in CGI for movies and games, and now, although he has one main employer, he travels all over the world to work with different gaming organisations and on movie sets. This means that he’s often invited to attend movie premieres that feature his work and, likewise, promotional events surrounding the release of new computer games. He makes regular and impressive maintenance payments for his daughter. I sometimes wish he could give her more of his time, instead of so much money, but she seems okay with it and besides, I’m not sure how the dynamics would work if he lived nearby.

Janis was an accident but one I cannot regret, even though having her changed the course of my life forever. I don’t think that Evan regrets her either but he also lives his own very busy life. I just sometimes wish Janis had come along a bit later on, when I was more prepared. That’s why having Henry then Anabelle was like a second chance; for me and for Janis, because it gave me the opportunity to build the family unit for her that I felt she deserved.

I run my hand down to my belly and feel its slightly squidgy flesh. Anabelle is four now and I haven’t exactly done what I could have to improve my body, but who has time for all that unless they’re a celeb? I’d love to be able to fit in more time for me but I can’t see how I can do it. There’s always so much else to do.

‘Mumma?’

I jump and look at the bunched up quilt next to me. I dig through the mound to find little Anabelle smiling up at me.

‘Morning Mumma.’

Her cute blonde head tugs at my heartstrings. My baby.

My poor baby… from a broken home.

‘Hey sweetie… when did you come in?’

‘In the dark. I was scared.’

‘Oh angel, there’s nothing to be scared of.’ I tell the age-old lie. There’s everything to be scared of in this life. Everything. Getting older, getting cancer, losing the person you love, getting divorced, losing your job, having no security…

I lean forwards and kiss her forehead. She smells vanilla sweet as always. She still has that baby aroma of custard and almonds. It probably has something to do with the fact that I still use baby shampoo on her but then it’s not worth using anything else because if it gets in her eyes… well, let’s just say that I don’t want passers-by calling the police again because they thought that we were all being murdered. That was an evening I never want to repeat. And that handsome young policeman turned up and caught me in my threadbare pyjamas with greasy hair and not a scrap of make-up. Just typical.

But this morning, underneath Anabelle’s sweetness, is a metallic tang that catches in my throat and stings my eyes. It’s not unlike ammonia.

I sit up and push my hair behind my ears; I mean business.

‘Anabelle… do you have something you want to tell me?’

‘No, Mumma.’ Oh that face and that cute little voice. Those big blue eyes so innocent and adoring. I would do anything for this child.

‘Are you sure, Anabelle?’

‘ Mother! ’ The scream shatters the silence of the morning like a china teacup hitting a tiled kitchen floor. No, make that ten china teacups. The dogs start to bark downstairs. I hear feet pounding across the landing and Janis appears in my doorway, holding her bedsheet aloft.