Bodies from the Library 3

CAMILLA: Oh, you’re hateful! hateful! I could kill you for this!

( Door closes with a bang )

NARRATOR: It is shortly before midnight. Sir Julius Warbeck, Mrs Barrett, Robert and Lady Camilla are in the drawing-room. All four have evidently dined well. Their faces are rather flushed and `Lord Warbeck’s excellent champagne has loosened their tongues. They have just finished a rubber of bridge and Sir Julius is adding up the scores.

( Chatter )

JULIUS: Let me see … Eight and six is fourteen, and carry one … That makes one pound four and five pence they owe us, Mrs Barrett. My congratulations!

MRS BARRETT: I’m sure you’ve added that up wrong! Give it to me. Seven and four’s eleven, and ten’s twenty-one—I told you so, it should be one pound four and ninepence! A pretty sort of Chancellor of the Exchequer you are!

JULIUS: ( laughs ) Well, well, one needn’t be a dab at arithmetic to handle the state’s finances, thank heaven! There was a Chancellor once who didn’t know what decimal points were, and when he saw them—

MRS BARRETT: Yes, yes, Sir Julius, we all know that story. It’s been the stock excuse of inefficient Chancellors ever since.

JULIUS: Are you suggesting that I am inefficient, Mrs Barrett?

MRS BARRETT: Oh no! I’m not suggesting anything.

JULIUS: Because if so, I was only going to say, that doesn’t seem to be the view of that very loyal collaborator and colleague, your husband.

MRS BARRETT: My husband is loyal, Sir Julius—too loyal, I sometimes think, to consider his own interests. But since his name has been introduced into the discussion, may I say that I am sure I am not alone in regretting that the country’s finances are not in his hands, instead of—

JULIUS: Instead of those of your humble servant, eh, Mrs Barrett? Well, well, it’s all in the luck of the game. I can only say this, that should anything happen to our revered Prime Minister—which Heaven forfend—and it were to fall to me to form an administration, as it might—as it might—I should not need to look for my Chancellor beyond my old friend John Barrett.

ROBERT: ( somewhat tipsy ) Hear, hear, Julius! Hear, hear!

CAMILLA: Did you say one pound four and ninepence, Mrs Barrett? I’ve got it here exactly.

( Chink of coins )

MRS BARRETT: How honourable of you!

ROBERT: Afraid I haven’t any cash on me, Julius. It’s a commodity rather scarce in this branch of the family. Will you take a cheque?

JULIUS: Of course, my dear boy, of course.

ROBERT: All right, I’ll give you one. You don’t mind it’s being drawn on the account of the League of Liberty and Justice, I suppose?

JULIUS: Really, this is an outrage! To suggest that I should take money from such a gang! Let me tell you, young man, your association with this so-called League is putting you in danger—in grave danger.

ROBERT: Thanks for the warning, dear cousin. At any rate, I don’t need a flat-footed copper to give me protection. Where is he, by the way? Lurking outside the door, I suppose, with his little notebook and pencil in his hand. Let’s have him in! Perhaps he’d lend me one pound four and ninepence!

CAMILLA: Robert, don’t be so silly! I’ll pay Sir Julius for you, if you like.

ROBERT: What a beautifully forgiving nature you have, Camilla! Almost thou persuadest me—but don’t stand just there. You’re right under the mistletoe, and I’m sure you don’t want a repetition of this afternoon’s sad scene. Let me get at the door.

( Sound of door opening )

Oh! It’s you, Briggs!

BRIGGS: Yes, Mr Robert. It only wants a few minutes to midnight. I’ve brought the champagne to drink in the festive season.

ROBERT: That’s the spirit! Let’s keep up tradition while we may! The last Christmas in the old home—thanks to cousin Julius! Fill up the glasses, Briggs, and give yourself one, too.

BRIGGS: Very good, Mr Robert.

( Pop of champagne cork and sound of pouring )

ROBERT: Where’s the protecting angel, Briggs? He ought to be in on this.

BRIGGS: The detective-sergeant, sir, is refreshing himself in the servants’ hall. I think that he will be more at home there. Your glass, my lady.

CAMILLA: Thank you.

BRIGGS: And yours, madam.

MRS BARRETT: Thank you.

BRIGGS: Sir Julius.

JULIUS: Thanks.

BRIGGS: Mr Robert, your glass. ( Meaningfully ) It is almost time.

ROBERT: ( more and more wildly ) Time marches on! But we’ve forgotten something, Briggs. The curtains are still drawn and the window shut. That won’t do on Christmas Eve. We’ve got to let Christmas in!

BRIGGS: It’s bitter cold outside, sir, and snowing hard.

ROBERT: What does that matter, man? There’s a tradition at stake! Let’s have those curtains back—

( Sound of pulling curtains )

—and the window open.

( Sound of opening window )

Now, hark! Can’t you hear them? ( Pause ) Come close to the window, everybody. Closer! Camilla! Briggs! Lean out, everyone! Come on, Julius, the cold air won’t hurt you! Can you hear them now?

( Distant sound of church bells )

Warbeck chimes! Ringing in Christmas, ringing out the Warbecks! Except for fat cousin Julius, who’ll always be in on everything! Now listen, all of you! I’ve an announcement to make! An important announcement! You mustn’t miss it, Camilla!

( As he speaks a clock begins to chime the hour. It continues to strike twelve during the rest of the scene )

Christmas! We must have our toast first. Where the hell’s my glass? Someone’s moved it. Where did I leave my glass, Briggs?

BRIGGS: It’s on the card table, Mr Robert.

ROBERT: Ah, here it is. Are you all ready? Here’s to Warbeck Hall, God help the old place!

ALL: Warbeck Hall!

( There is the sound of a glass shattering )

ROBERT: ( in a strangled voice ) What is it? I—

( There is the sound of a body falling to the floor )

CAMILLA: ( shrieks ) Robert!

JULIUS: What’s happened?

MRS BARRETT: He’s fainted.

BRIGGS: ( slowly ) He is dead.

( The clock finishes striking )

( Music )

NARRATOR: It is next morning. The scene is once more the library, but the sofa on which Lord Warbeck was lying the previous afternoon is now unoccupied. This time it is Sir Julius who is looking out of the window at the snow. There has been a further heavy fall in the night, and the countryside is everywhere deeply covered. Sir Julius turns from the window with a sigh as Briggs comes into the room.

JULIUS: Ah, Briggs, here you are! How is Lord Warbeck?

BRIGGS: He has stood the shock wonderfully well, Sir Julius, considering, but I am afraid he is not long for this world.

JULIUS: This is a terrible situation, terrible! Is there no chance of getting a doctor out to him?

BRIGGS: I should judge that it will take at least two days to clear the road, Sir Julius, even if there are no further falls meanwhile. But I doubt whether a doctor could do much for him.

JULIUS: This—this is a very embarrassing situation for me, Briggs.

BRIGGS: For you, Sir Julius? Quite so, no doubt. I confess I find my own position somewhat awkward. It is not a very easy one for any of us. Will you be requiring me any further, Sir Julius?

JULIUS: No, thank you, Briggs.

( Sound of door closing )

What am I to do? Oh, what am I to do?

( Sound of door opening )

ROGERS: Excuse me, sir.

JULIUS: Yes, Sergeant Rogers, what is it?

ROGERS: I have succeeded, sir, in making contact with the county police on the telephone.