Bodies from the Library 3

CAMILLA: Well, Robert, how are you?

ROBERT: Oh, well, thank you. Are you well?

CAMILLA: Yes, thanks. ( Pause ) There doesn’t seem to be much else to say, does there?

ROBERT: No, there doesn’t.

CAMILLA: Look at the snow! It seems as if it would never stop. Wouldn’t it be awful if we were kept here for days and days, with nothing to say but ‘How are you?’

ROBERT: Awful …

MRS BARRETT: ( Fading in ) … Luckily the driver had chains or I don’t think we would have ever got here.

BRIGGS: I am bringing in tea now, my lord. I have told Sir Julius that it is ready.

JULIUS: ( a self-confident, middle-aged baritone ) And I’m quite ready for tea! It’s what one needs on a cold day like this.

LORD WARBECK: Ah, Julius! You have finished grinding the faces of the rich for the day, I hope. No need to introduce you to anybody here, I think.

JULIUS: I should think not! Camilla, you are looking more lovely than ever.

CAMILLA: Thank you! ( Laughs ) I’m glad somebody notices it!

JULIUS: And Mrs Barrett—your husband is doing a wonderful job for us in the negotiations at Washington.

MRS BARRETT: That doesn’t surprise me , Sir Julius. I know he has the best financial brain in Parliament, even if—

JULIUS: Even if I’m the Chancellor of the Exchequer and he isn’t, Mrs Barrett? Never mind, his time will come. We are all mortal, you know. Oh, Robert, I hadn’t seen you, how are you?

ROBERT: ( very coldly ) How do you do?

JULIUS: You’ve only just arrived?

ROBERT: Yes. I had an important meeting in London yesterday.

JULIUS: Quite. The League of Liberty and Justice, I suppose?

ROBERT: ( defiantly ) And suppose it was? Is that any concern of yours?

JULIUS: I think it is the concern of everybody in this country who cares for democracy.

ROBERT: You call the present regime ‘democracy’!

BRIGGS: Your tea, my lord.

LORD WARBECK: Thank you, Briggs. Put it here. No, no, man, here . Camilla, will you pour out for the rest? You have no idea how I envy people who can sit up to their meals! To have to feed lying down is the most messy, uncomfortable process I know.

CAMILLA: Let me arrange the cushions for you. That’s better, isn’t it? Does this mean that you won’t be dining with us this evening?

LORD WARBECK: It does, Camilla. I shall, I trust, be asleep long before you have seen Christmas in. Robert will be your host on my behalf. I hope you don’t mind.

CAMILLA: Not if Robert doesn’t. Do you take sugar, Mrs Barrett?

MRS BARRETT: Two lumps, please. And that reminds me, Sir Julius—the increased duties on sugar. My husband feels very strongly that it would be a great mistake—

ROBERT: ( abruptly ) I don’t think I want any tea. If I’m to preside at this festive affair tonight, I think I’d better have a word with Briggs about the wine.

MRS BARRETT: Well, really! As I was saying, Sir Julius, the sugar duties …

( Her voice fades. Microphone follows Robert )

ROBERT: I shall be in the smoking room if you want me, father.

( Door closes )

God! What a woman!

( He is heard to take a couple of steps )

Hullo! Who are you? Where do you come from?

ROGERS: ( clipped, official voice ) The name is Rogers, sir.

ROBERT: What are you doing hanging about in the passage?

ROGERS: Well, sir, hanging about is my job. My card, sir.

ROBERT: ( reading ) ‘Metropolitan Police. Special Branch. James Rogers holds the rank of Sergeant in the Metropolitan Police. This is his warrant and authority for executing the duties of his office.’ So that’s it! Haven’t I seen you before, at some time?

ROGERS: Yes, sir. On Sunday, September the 20th, between the hours of eight and ten p.m.

ROBERT: What?

ROGERS: Open air meeting, League of Liberty and Justice, sir. I was on duty.

ROBERT: That explains it. And now you’ve been sent down here to continue your spying, eh?

ROGERS: Oh no, sir. I’m on protection duty—looking after Sir Julius.

ROBERT: Protection! He needs it! I can tell you, when our movement comes into power, fellows like you will be out of a job.

ROGERS: Oh no, sir. That’s what Sir Julius’s crowd used to say. You’ll want protection just the same. They all do.

BRIGGS: Excuse me, sir. Mr Rogers, your tea is awaiting you in the housekeeper’s room.

ROGERS: Thank you, Mr Briggs. I’ll go now.

( He is heard to walk away )

BRIGGS: Pardon me, Mr Robert. May I have a word with you?

ROBERT: Yes, if you must, Briggs.

BRIGGS: If you wouldn’t mind stepping into the smoking-room, sir.

( Sound of steps and door closing )

ROBERT: Well?

BRIGGS: My daughter Susan, sir, is wondering—

ROBERT: Look here, Briggs, what on earth is the good of bringing up this business again now? You know what the position is as well as I do. I have promised you before and I can promise you now—

BRIGGS: Promises are all very well, Mr Robert, but that was some time ago and Christmas is upon us.

ROBERT: Yes, Christmas, with my father dangerously ill and the house full of people. It’s utterly unreasonable to expect me to do anything now, Briggs. Things must go on as they are for the time being. After all, Susan isn’t here and—

BRIGGS: Susan is here, Mr Robert.

ROBERT: Here! Of all the infernal cheek! What do you mean by doing such a thing, Briggs?

BRIGGS: Well, sir, Christmas is the season for family reunions—even for butlers.

ROBERT: Confound you! I suppose you thought this was a way of applying a little extra pressure?

BRIGGS: I trust that may not be necessary, sir. I—we—are relying on you to act like a gentleman.

( Bell rings )

Excuse me, I think that is his lordship’s bell.

( Sound of door opening )

I beg your ladyship’s pardon, I didn’t see you coming in.

CAMILLA: Oh, Briggs, Lord Warbeck wants you to help him up to bed. He is rather tired.

BRIGGS: Very good, my lady.

( Sound of door closing )

ROBERT: I don’t wonder father’s tired if he’s been listening to Mrs Barrett and Julius discussing the sugar duties.

CAMILLA: He managed to stand it longer than you, Robert, at any rate. Well, did the great discussion with Briggs go off satisfactorily?

ROBERT: Discussion, Camilla? What should we have a discussion about?

CAMILLA: About the wine for dinner tonight. I thought it was that that dragged you away from tea so reluctantly.

ROBERT: Oh, the wine! Yes, that’s—that’s laid on all right.

CAMILLA: I hope there’s plenty. I mean to drink a lot tonight. I mean to get positively, completely blotto.

ROBERT: That will add enormously to your attractions.

CAMILLA: Well, they want adding to, don’t they? I mean, they don’t seem to have been very effective so far. ( Pause ) Robert, what is the matter with you?

ROBERT: Nothing, so far as I am aware.

CAMILLA: There is something, Robert. I wish you’d tell me. Can’t you see I—I want to help you?

ROBERT: No thanks.

CAMILLA: Robert, you usen’t to be like this. Something’s happened. Something’s come between us. I can’t let you go like this. Look at me, Robert!

ROBERT: Leave go of me, Camilla! I warn you, leave go!

CAMILLA: Not until you’ve told me what it is. It’s not too much to ask, to share your troubles, is it? Oh, Robert, if you only knew how I want—

ROBERT: ( brutally ) You want, you want! I know what you want, even if you don’t!

CAMILLA: You’re hurting me!

ROBERT: You want to be kissed—like this! ( Pause ) And this —and this ! That’s all for now, my lovely! I hope you’re satisfied.