Terry Salvini - Crystal Masks

She looked up. Threatening clouds hid the evening sky and the bare trees seemed gaunt extensions of the ground pointing upwards. The strong wind forced her to close her jacket and knot her silk scarf more tightly around her neck. She didn't like winter, apart from Christmas and some time to enjoy ice skating.

A taxi was dropping off a customer a little further along, so she hurried to it and had it take her home. The smell of food hit her as she opened the door. She took off her coat and put it on the sofa with her bag, then looked into the kitchen. Mira, in her usual blue dress and a large white apron, was setting the table.

"Are you hungry?" the maid asked, and turned to look at her, the small blue eyes smiling.

"Not much really. Is Johnny home?"

"He’s closed in the study. Dinner's almost ready."

"I’ll go and tell him."

It took quite a while to get him away from the drawing board, but then Johnny devoured a large grilled steak and as many vegetables as she would eat in two meals.

Loreley pushed her plate aside with a grimace of disappointment: she didn’t understand why seeing Johnny eating a lot that evening bothered her so much.

Apologizing, she headed to the bathroom to take a shower. The warmth of the water relaxed her, leaving no room for thoughts, and she put up no opposition. Her thoughts wandered far into the past, to her university days, to David, to the time she met Johnny and her future with him. A long-term future... Becoming a real family.

But what the hell was she thinking?!

Johnny had never told her he wanted to make a family with her. He had already had a wife and had run away after a few years. During the marriage he had also had a daughter, about whom he spoke very little, unlike many fathers who...

She interrupted that sequence of thoughts with a shiver, opened her mouth and let the water run into her throat. Spluttering she turned off the faucet. Many seconds passed before she could breathe properly again.

Leaning against the tiled wall, she moved her wet hair off her face. She should start the pill again today and she hadn’t had anything. How come?

She had read somewhere that with some types of contraceptives the flow could decrease until it disappeared altogether. Yes, that must be it.

And what if something wasn’t right? she asked herself, wringing the water out of her hair, and feeling edgy.

That question worried her so much that she dried herself quickly and got dressed again. She couldn’t bear to have that uncertainty hanging over her until the next day, or she wouldn’t sleep that night.

When she was ready, she told Johnny that she had forgotten to buy her usual painkillers and disappeared out the door.

Within minutes she was at the pharmacy, just across the street. She went in and asked for a pregnancy test. It was absurd to be so worried, but she knew there could be a margin for error.

Johnny was lying on the couch when she returned, intent on watching a football game, so she took the opportunity to undress and lock herself in the bathroom without being disturbed. No one could get Johnny away from there, not even the prospect of hours of unbridled sex.

She followed the instructions on the packaging and waited for the result. The test should be done in the morning, and by doing it in the evening the most she risked was getting a negative outcome, never a false positive. In that case, she would repeat the test the next morning.

Sitting on the stool, she tried to imagine how Johnny would react if the result turned out to be positive. They had never talked about marriage, let alone having children. It would be a real blow to both of them.

She looked at the clock, then at the test indicator...

The test was positive. Just as she feared.

How the hell did that happen? Where had she gone wrong? she wondered as she wrapped the stick in a tissue to throw it in the bin.

After a few minutes she left the bathroom, feeling as if she had been given a strong dose of sedatives. But she didn't join Johnny in the living room. She didn't want him to notice the state she was in, and needed to think about things before talking to him.

She went to the bedroom and finished undressing, took her pyjamas from under the pillow and slipped them on like an automaton. Then she noticed that she had put the pants on back to front, but couldn’t be bothered to fix them.

Hearing footsteps, she turned, her back to the door. "Are you going to bed already?" asked Johnny.

"I'm very tired. Do you mind?" She pretended to be looking for something in the drawer of the bedside table so he wouldn't notice she was upset.

"No, not at all... I’ll join you as soon as the game ends, it’s half-time now." He walked towards her.

A mask of impassibility, the same one she wore in court, dropped over her face.

"All right." She closed the drawer again after taking out a packet of tissues she didn't need.

John hugged her from behind, his hands around her waist. "Go to bed,” he told her. I’ll turn off all the lights and close the shutters."

She turned her head to look at him sideways.

"Why are you staring at me like that?" he asked her.

"You hate doing those things, I always have to do it."

He smiled. «Since you’re going to sleep and I have to go out, I’ll make the effort to do it."

"Are you going out with Ethan?"

"As usual. But don't worry, we won't be too late tonight."

John broke the embrace, gave her a light kiss on the temple and left the room.

Loreley slid under the covers, but struggled to get to sleep. For the first time, she felt happy that Johnny was going out without her in the evening. She hadn’t recovered from what had happened at Hans's wedding yet, and now she had a bigger problem. Neither of them had considered bringing a child into the world, not now.

***

Two days went by, and Loreley had not yet decided to let John know that he was about to become a father for the second time. She wanted to keep that secret to herself, although in a glimmer of rationality she vowed she would tell him as soon as possible, in the hope that he would not react negatively.

It was unbelievable that she could get pregnant despite taking the necessary precautions. When she was at home it was all she could think about; and it was only when she was in the office that she could get her mind off it. Work kept her busy and gave her a little respite.

That Wednesday morning she was in a courtroom with her client, Peter Wallace.

Loreley had seen defendants nervous, repentant, worried, frightened, or even pleased with themselves, but she had never seen such a detached expression on the face of any of them. For this client it was as if what was happening around him did not concern him at all. He sat there next to her, his eyes staring into space, with his hands clasped in a pose which would have been more suitable inside a church than a courtroom.

Loreley had met Judge Henry Palmer during her internship and had appreciated him for his humanity, which was not discernible now, however. His eyes were half-hidden by the drooping upper eyelids and the thin lips were tightly closed, as usual. She rarely saw him smile during a hearing. At a rough guess, he must have put on at least ten pounds since the last time she had seen him, and his belly was now pressing against the edge of the bench. Even the toga couldn't disguise it.

The judge adjusted his spectacles on his nose before asking her the question she expected. "How does your client plead?" His voice rang out loudly, but a little hoarse, as if he had just recovered from a sore throat.

She turned to Peter Wallace, who did not blink an eye. The only thing that let her know that he was alive was a barely perceptible twitch of his well-shaped jaw. "Innocent, Your Honour. My client has no previous record, he has always led a quiet life, and the crime of which he is accused is yet to be proven. The evidence against him is based solely on an unreliable statement. I ask for him to be released on bail."