William Shakespeare - The Complete Works of William Shakespeare

LAFEU. I will buy me a son-in-law in a fair, and toll this: I’ll none of him.

KING.

The heavens have thought well on thee, Lafeu,

To bring forth this discovery.—Seek these suitors:—

Go speedily, and bring again the count.

[Exeunt Gentleman, and some Attendants.]

I am afeard the life of Helen, lady,

Was foully snatch’d.

COUNTESS.

Now, justice on the doers!

[Enter BERTRAM, guarded.]

KING.

I wonder, sir, since wives are monsters to you.

And that you fly them as you swear them lordship,

Yet you desire to marry.—What woman’s that?

[Re-enter Widow and DIANA.]

DIANA.

I am, my lord, a wretched Florentine,

Derived from the ancient Capulet;

My suit, as I do understand, you know,

And therefore know how far I may be pitied.

WIDOW.

I am her mother, sir, whose age and honour

Both suffer under this complaint we bring,

And both shall cease, without your remedy.

KING.

Come hither, count; do you know these women?

BERTRAM.

My lord, I neither can nor will deny

But that I know them: do they charge me further?

DIANA.

Why do you look so strange upon your wife?

BERTRAM.

She’s none of mine, my lord.

DIANA.

If you shall marry,

You give away this hand, and that is mine;

You give away heaven’s vows, and those are mine;

You give away myself, which is known mine;

For I by vow am so embodied yours

That she which marries you must marry me,

Either both or none.

LAFEU. [To BERTRAM] Your reputation comes too short for my daughter; you are no husband for her.

BERTRAM.

My lord, this is a fond and desperate creature

Whom sometime I have laugh’d with: let your highness

Lay a more noble thought upon mine honour

Than for to think that I would sink it here.

KING.

Sir, for my thoughts, you have them ill to friend

Till your deeds gain them: fairer prove your honour

Than in my thought it lies!

DIANA.

Good my lord,

Ask him upon his oath, if he does think

He had not my virginity.

KING.

What say’st thou to her?

BERTRAM.

She’s impudent, my lord;

And was a common gamester to the camp.

DIANA.

He does me wrong, my lord; if I were so

He might have bought me at a common price:

Do not believe him. O, behold this ring,

Whose high respect and rich validity

Did lack a parallel; yet, for all that,

He gave it to a commoner o’ the camp,

If I be one.

COUNTESS.

He blushes, and ‘tis it:

Of six preceding ancestors, that gem,

Conferr’d by testament to the sequent issue,

Hath it been ow’d and worn. This is his wife;

That ring’s a thousand proofs.

KING.

Methought you said

You saw one here in court could witness it.

DIANA.

I did, my lord, but loath am to produce

So bad an instrument; his name’s Parolles.

LAFEU.

I saw the man to-day, if man he be.

KING.

Find him, and bring him hither.

[Exit an Attendant.]

BERTRAM.

What of him?

He’s quoted for a most perfidious slave,

With all the spots o’ the world tax’d and debauch’d:

Whose nature sickens but to speak a truth:

Am I or that or this for what he’ll utter,

That will speak anything?

KING.

She hath that ring of yours.

BERTRAM.

I think she has: certain it is I lik’d her,

And boarded her i’ the wanton way of youth:

She knew her distance, and did angle for me,

Madding my eagerness with her restraint,

As all impediments in fancy’s course

Are motives of more fancy; and, in fine,

Her infinite cunning with her modern grace,

Subdu’d me to her rate: she got the ring;

And I had that which any inferior might

At market-price have bought.

DIANA.

I must be patient:

You that have turn’d off a first so noble wife

May justly diet me. I pray you yet,—

Since you lack virtue, I will lose a husband,—

Send for your ring, I will return it home,

And give me mine again.

BERTRAM.

I have it not.

KING.

What ring was yours, I pray you?

DIANA.

Sir, much like

The same upon your finger.

KING.

Know you this ring? this ring was his of late.

DIANA.

And this was it I gave him, being a-bed.

KING.

The story, then, goes false you threw it him

Out of a casement.

DIANA.

I have spoke the truth.

BERTRAM.

My lord, I do confess the ring was hers.

KING.

You boggle shrewdly; every feather starts you.—

[Re-enter Attendant, with PAROLLES.]

Is this the man you speak of?

DIANA.

Ay, my lord.

KING.

Tell me, sirrah, but tell me true I charge you,

Not fearing the displeasure of your master,—

Which, on your just proceeding, I’ll keep off,—

By him and by this woman here what know you?

PAROLLES. So please your majesty, my master hath been an honourable gentleman; tricks he hath had in him, which gentlemen have.

KING.

Come, come, to the purpose: did he love this woman?

PAROLLES.

Faith, sir, he did love her; but how?

KING.

How, I pray you?

PAROLLES.

He did love her, sir, as a gentleman loves a woman.

KING.

How is that?

PAROLLES.

He loved her, sir, and loved her not.

KING.

As thou art a knave and no knave.—

What an equivocal companion is this!

PAROLLES.

I am a poor man, and at your majesty’s command.

LAFEU.

He’s a good drum, my lord, but a naughty orator.

DIANA.

Do you know he promised me marriage?

PAROLLES.

Faith, I know more than I’ll speak.

KING.

But wilt thou not speak all thou know’st?

PAROLLES. Yes, so please your majesty; I did go between them, as I said; but more than that, he loved her,—for indeed he was mad for her, and talked of Satan, and of limbo, and of furies, and I know not what: yet I was in that credit with them at that time that I knew of their going to bed; and of other motions, as promising her marriage, and things which would derive me ill-will to speak of; therefore I will not speak what I know.

KING. Thou hast spoken all already, unless thou canst say they are married: but thou art too fine in thy evidence; therefore stand aside.—This ring, you say, was yours?

DIANA.

Ay, my good lord.

KING.

Where did you buy it? or who gave it you?

DIANA.

It was not given me, nor I did not buy it.

KING.

Who lent it you?

DIANA.

It was not lent me neither.

KING.

Where did you find it then?

DIANA.

I found it not.

KING.

If it were yours by none of all these ways,

How could you give it him?

DIANA.

I never gave it him.

LAFEU. This woman’s an easy glove, my lord; she goes off and on at pleasure.

KING.

This ring was mine, I gave it his first wife.

DIANA.

It might be yours or hers, for aught I know.

KING.

Take her away, I do not like her now;

To prison with her: and away with him.—

Unless thou tell’st me where thou hadst this ring,

Thou diest within this hour.

DIANA.

I’ll never tell you.

KING.

Take her away.

DIANA.

I’ll put in bail, my liege.

KING.

I think thee now some common customer.

DIANA.

By Jove, if ever I knew man, ‘twas you.

KING.

Wherefore hast thou accus’d him all this while?

DIANA.

Because he’s guilty, and he is not guilty:

He knows I am no maid, and he’ll swear to’t: