Jessa James - Bad Reputation

My eyes fill with tears again. I feel pathetic. “Yes.”

Evie considers me for a minute. “I’m assuming that you don’t have happy feelings about that.”

I take a sip of my tea, to keep myself calm. Then I take a breath. “I mean, I am very conflicted about it. On one hand, the fifteen year old version of myself is like… squealing with excitement. I’ve loved this guy for half my life, and now I’m going to have his baby? Like… I couldn’t have imagined a better outcome, in the most selfish way.”

She purses her lips. “And on the other hand?”

“Well, the downsides are twofold. First, I doubt that fifteen year old girl would be particularly happy that Jameson dumped me. And second, I’m in frigging law school! During the year, I study and go to school, from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep. That’s it. I don’t have time for anything else. Adding a baby to that is like… a recipe for disaster.”

“Definitely. I mean, you could handle it, but you wouldn’t want to.”

“Exactly. But… there is still a part of me that is like, going baby crazy. I’m imagining how amazing our child would be. Like have you ever seen baby shoes? Because they are so freaking cute. And I can see us when she’s a little older. Me, dressing her up for her first ballet recital…”

I let the conversation lapse for a minute, daydreaming of pink hair bows. In my mind, Jameson is also there, because I think if he knew I was pregnant, he would insist on marrying me.

I squint, speculative. Is that crazy? I’m pretty sure that is crazy.

She clears her throat. “I mean, that does sound terribly nice.”

I shake my head. “I think that I’m massively oversimplifying a very complex situation. If I were to be pregnant, and I were to decide to keep it, things between Jameson and I would be… well, complex is a nice way of saying it.”

“Wellllll…” she says. “You don’t even know if you have to worry about it. And there’s a pretty easy way to figure out whether you do. So… you know, first things first.”

I sigh. “We don’t even have any pregnancy tests here. I checked.”

She stands up. “We totally do. I know where they are. Now make sure you drink the rest of that tea, it’s a little bit of a diuretic.”

I narrow my eyes at her, but she’s already flouncing out of the room. I down the rest of the mug of quickly cooling tea, then head into the hallway. She meets me, coming out of her room.

“Here,” she says, handing me the plastic wrapped testing stick. “You pee on the end, then wait two minutes. Then we’ll know what we’re dealing with.”

I take the test from her, my brow furrowing. “How does it work? I mean, how do we know if it’s right?”

“Those things are like 95% accurate. Just pee on the end, and then we’ll see what we have to be worried about.”

Taking a deep breath, I head to the bathroom. I make quick work out of peeing on the stick, then set the test on the counter and open the bathroom door. Evie is leaning against the wall when I open it.

“Done?” she asks.

“Yeah, just waiting now.” I glance at the test, ready for it to be done.

But in my heart, I can’t decide what I want the results to be.

If it’s positive, my life as I know it is over. There’s no questioning that. I’ll have to drop out of law school. I’ll have to deal with the looks of disappointment and anger on my family’s faces. Worse, I’ll have to tell Jameson.

On the other hand, though, I would be remiss if I didn’t say that I am a little excited. A baby is a big change and a lot of responsibility, but it would Jameson’s baby. I’d have a little piece of him, come what may.

“Emma, I think you can check now,” Evie says gently.

I glance at her, as nervous I’ve ever been. With trembling hands, I reach for the test. I take a huge breath, then look.

It’s negative. I look at Evie, feeling tears of relief form in my eyes.

“Negative,” I say, bracing myself on the sink. I close my eyes. “Oh god. Thank the lord.”

“That’s good,” Evie says, hugging me from behind. “Now your life doesn’t have to change at all.”

I put the test down and turn around to give her a real hug. I bury my face in her black hair, taking a long breath. “Thank you for holding my hand through this.”

“Of course,” she says simply. “It’s what girls do for one another.”

I pull back. “You know what else they do? Call for a breakup pizza.”

She laughs. “It’s pretty early in the day for that. How do you feel about me whipping us up some breakup omelets instead?”

I smile at her. “Okay. It’s a deal. But I demand that we have pizza and ice cream delivered by the end of the day. I’m feeling like eating my emotions today.”

“Deal.”

Evie pushes off the wall, and I throw the test in the bathroom trash. I’m a little sad still, and I’m sure that it will come and go in waves…

But at least I’m not pregnant. Things could always be worse.

3

One Month Later

I slam on the brakes of my Jeep in the parking lot of the grocery store, gritting my teeth at the person who is backing out of the space in front of me. The car is an old Buick, and the driver is no doubt ancient, but I’m still irritated.

If I’m honest, everything is irritating these days. I had Asher to hang out with and complain about life to for about a week after my break up with Emma. But then he disappeared, and has yet to reappear.

I haven’t seen or heard from Emma either, not that I can really blame her. It wasn’t the smoothest break up ever, for either of us.

I maneuver my car into a spot, getting out. We ran out of all the citrus fruits at Cure, so here I am, finding a shopping cart. I wheel a cart inside, and veer to the right into the produce section.

The produce here is good and cheap. There’s tons of greenery and colorful vegetables, all lined up in those black coolers that mist every once in a while. I turn to the stacks of citrus crates and grab handfuls of lemons, limes, oranges, and grapefruits.

Then I reconsider, and just grab one crate of each kind of citrus, stacking them in my shopping cart. I scowl down at the produce. I have a handful of other things to get while I’m at the grocery store, so I push my cart onward.

I can’t stop thinking of Emma. I think about her here. I think about her at the movies. I think of her driving down the highway, and when I’m at the beach.

I know that I should forget all about her. After all, I pretty much told her that we weren’t ever a thing. But somehow, I can’t.

Instead, I replay for about the thousandth time the bits of information I’ve gotten about her from our mutual friends. I asked Evie how Emma was doing about two weeks ago. I got a stony stare in return. Evie raised a brow, and told me that Emma is just fine.

Her chilly attitude let me know that Emma told her everything… and that Evie didn’t approve of how I handled the situation. I didn’t need any of Evie’s disapproval. I have plenty of my own misgivings without her adding salt to the wound.

I push my cart down the cereal aisle and grab my favorite brand of granola. I broke down and asked Asher about his sister last week, when we were working together. He just gave me a weird look and said that she’s fine.

So that’s all I know. She’s fine. She’s just… gone.

From my life, anyway. I would’ve expected to see her in Cure maybe, or hanging out with Asher at some point. After all, she has always just sort of shown up before this.

Now, I guess I ruined that.

I wander down the aisles, a faint squeaking coming from my cart. It’s been a month, and I’m just feeling stuck.