Joseph Conrad - The Collected Works of Joseph Conrad - Novels, Short Stories, Letters & Memoirs

‘“I was so lost, you know. It was the sort of thing one does not expect to happen to one. It was not like a fight, for instance.”

‘“It was not,” I admitted. He appeared changed, as if he had suddenly matured.

‘“One couldn’t be sure,” he muttered.

‘“Ah! You were not sure,” I said, and was placated by the sound of a faint sigh that passed between us like the flight of a bird in the night.

‘“Well, I wasn’t,” he said courageously. “It was something like that wretched story they made up. It was not a lie — but it wasn’t truth all the same. It was something. . . . One knows a downright lie. There was not the thickness of a sheet of paper between the right and the wrong of this affair.”

‘“How much more did you want?” I asked; but I think I spoke so low that he did not catch what I said. He had advanced his argument as though life had been a network of paths separated by chasms. His voice sounded reasonable.

‘“Suppose I had not — I mean to say, suppose I had stuck to the ship? Well. How much longer? Say a minute — half a minute. Come. In thirty seconds, as it seemed certain then, I would have been overboard; and do you think I would not have laid hold of the first thing that came in my way — oar, life-buoy, grating — anything? Wouldn’t you?”

‘“And be saved,” I interjected.

‘“I would have meant to be,” he retorted. “And that’s more than I meant when I” . . . he shivered as if about to swallow some nauseous drug . . . “jumped,” he pronounced with a convulsive effort, whose stress, as if propagated by the waves of the air, made my body stir a little in the chair. He fixed me with lowering eyes. “Don’t you believe me?” he cried. “I swear! . . . Confound it! You got me here to talk, and . . . You must! . . . You said you would believe.” “Of course I do,” I protested, in a matter-of-fact tone which produced a calming effect. “Forgive me,” he said. “Of course I wouldn’t have talked to you about all this if you had not been a gentleman. I ought to have known . . . I am — I am — a gentleman too.. .” “Yes, yes,” I said hastily. He was looking me squarely in the face, and withdrew his gaze slowly. “Now you understand why I didn’t after all . . . didn’t go out in that way. I wasn’t going to be frightened at what I had done. And, anyhow, if I had stuck to the ship I would have done my best to be saved. Men have been known to float for hours — in the open sea — and be picked up not much the worse for it. I might have lasted it out better than many others. There’s nothing the matter with my heart.” He withdrew his right fist from his pocket, and the blow he struck on his chest resounded like a muffled detonation in the night.

‘“No,” I said. He meditated, with his legs slightly apart and his chin sunk. “A hair’s-breadth,” he muttered. “Not the breadth of a hair between this and that. And at the time . . . ”

‘“It is difficult to see a hair at midnight,” I put in, a little viciously I fear. Don’t you see what I mean by the solidarity of the craft? I was aggrieved against him, as though he had cheated me — me! — of a splendid opportunity to keep up the illusion of my beginnings, as though he had robbed our common life of the last spark of its glamour. “And so you cleared out — at once.”

‘“Jumped,” he corrected me incisively. “Jumped — mind!” he repeated, and I wondered at the evident but obscure intention. “Well, yes! Perhaps I could not see then. But I had plenty of time and any amount of light in that boat. And I could think too. Nobody would know, of course, but this did not make it any easier for me. You’ve got to believe that too. I did not want all this talk. . . . No . . . Yes . . . I won’t lie . . . I wanted it: it is the very thing I wanted — there. Do you think you or anybody could have made me if I . . . I am — I am not afraid to tell. And I wasn’t afraid to think either. I looked it in the face. I wasn’t going to run away. At first — at night, if it hadn’t been for those fellows I might have . . . No! by heavens! I was not going to give them that satisfaction. They had done enough. They made up a story, and believed it for all I know. But I knew the truth, and I would live it down — alone, with myself. I wasn’t going to give in to such a beastly unfair thing. What did it prove after all? I was confoundedly cut up. Sick of life — to tell you the truth; but what would have been the good to shirk it — in — in — that way? That was not the way. I believe — I believe it would have — it would have ended — nothing.”

‘He had been walking up and down, but with the last word he turned short at me.

‘“What do you believe?” he asked with violence. A pause ensued, and suddenly I felt myself overcome by a profound and hopeless fatigue, as though his voice had startled me out of a dream of wandering through empty spaces whose immensity had harassed my soul and exhausted my body.

‘” . . . Would have ended nothing,” he muttered over me obstinately, after a little while. “No! the proper thing was to face it out — alone — for myself — wait for another chance — find out . . . ”’

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‘All around everything was still as far as the ear could reach. The mist of his feelings shifted between us, as if disturbed by his struggles, and in the rifts of the immaterial veil he would appear to my staring eyes distinct of form and pregnant with vague appeal like a symbolic figure in a picture. The chill air of the night seemed to lie on my limbs as heavy as a slab of marble.

‘“I see,” I murmured, more to prove to myself that I could break my state of numbness than for any other reason.

‘“The Avondale picked us up just before sunset,” he remarked moodily. “Steamed right straight for us. We had only to sit and wait.”

‘After a long interval, he said, “They told their story.” And again there was that oppressive silence. “Then only I knew what it was I had made up my mind to,” he added.

‘“You said nothing,” I whispered.

‘“What could I say?” he asked, in the same low tone. . . . “Shock slight. Stopped the ship. Ascertained the damage. Took measures to get the boats out without creating a panic. As the first boat was lowered ship went down in a squall. Sank like lead. . . . What could be more clear” . . . he hung his head . . . “and more awful?” His lips quivered while he looked straight into my eyes. “I had jumped — hadn’t I?” he asked, dismayed. “That’s what I had to live down. The story didn’t matter.”.. . He clasped his hands for an instant, glanced right and left into the gloom: “It was like cheating the dead,” he stammered.

‘“And there were no dead,” I said.

‘He went away from me at this. That is the only way I can describe it. In a moment I saw his back close to the balustrade. He stood there for some time, as if admiring the purity and the peace of the night. Some flowering-shrub in the garden below spread its powerful scent through the damp air. He returned to me with hasty steps.

‘“And that did not matter,” he said, as stubbornly as you please.

‘“Perhaps not,” I admitted. I began to have a notion he was too much for me. After all, what did I know?

‘“Dead or not dead, I could not get clear,” he said. “I had to live; hadn’t I?”

‘“Well, yes — if you take it in that way,” I mumbled.

‘“I was glad, of course,” he threw out carelessly, with his mind fixed on something else. “The exposure,” he pronounced slowly, and lifted his head. “Do you know what was my first thought when I heard? I was relieved. I was relieved to learn that those shouts — did I tell you I had heard shouts? No? Well, I did. Shouts for help . . . blown along with the drizzle. Imagination, I suppose. And yet I can hardly . . . How stupid. . . . The others did not. I asked them afterwards. They all said No. No? And I was hearing them even then! I might have known — but I didn’t think — I only listened. Very faint screams — day after day. Then that little half-caste chap here came up and spoke to me. ‘The Patna . . . French gunboat . . . towed successfully to Aden . . . Investigation . . . Marine Office . . . Sailors’ Home . . . arrangements made for your board and lodging!’ I walked along with him, and I enjoyed the silence. So there had been no shouting. Imagination. I had to believe him. I could hear nothing any more. I wonder how long I could have stood it. It was getting worse, too . . . I mean — louder.” ‘He fell into thought.