Laurence Sterne - The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman

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Writing, when properly managed (as you may be sure I think mine is) is but a different name for conversation. As no one, who knows what he is about in good company, would venture to talk all;——so no author, who understands the just boundaries of decorum and good-breeding, would presume to think all: The truest respect which you can pay to the reader’s understanding, is to halve this matter amicably, and leave him something to imagine, in his turn, as well as yourself.

For my own part, I am eternally paying him compliments of this kind, and do all that lies in my power to keep his imagination as busy as my own.

’Tis his turn now;—I have given an ample description of Dr. Slop’s sad overthrow, and of his sad appearance in the back-parlour;—his imagination must now go on with it for a while.

Let the reader imagine then, that Dr. Slop has told his tale—and in what words, and with what aggravations, his fancy chooses;—Let him suppose, that Obadiah has told his tale also, and with such rueful looks of affected concern, as he thinks best will contrast the two figures as they stand by each other.——Let him imagine, that my father has stepped upstairs to see my mother.—And, to conclude this work of imagination—let him imagine the doctor washed,—rubbed down, and condoled,—felicitated,—got into a pair of Obadiah’s pumps, stepping forwards towards the door, upon the very point of entering upon action.

Truce!—truce, good Dr. Slop :—stay thy obstetrick hand;——return it safe into thy bosom to keep it warm;——little dost thou know what obstacles,———little dost thou think what hidden causes, retard its operation!——Hast thou, Dr. Slop ,—hast thou been intrusted with the secret articles of the solemn treaty which has brought thee into this place?—Art thou aware that at this instant, a daughter of Lucina is put obstetrically over thy head? Alas!—’tis too true.—Besides, great son of Pilumnus! what canst thou do?—Thou hast come forth unarm’d;—thou hast left thy tire-tête ,—thy new-invented forceps ,—thy crotchet ,—thy squirt , and all thy instruments of salvation and deliverance, behind thee,—By Heaven! at this moment they are hanging up in a green bays bag, betwixt thy two pistols, at the bed’s head!—Ring;—call;—send Obadiah back upon the coach-horse to bring them with all speed.——Make great haste, Obadiah , quoth my father, and I’ll give thee a crown!—and quoth my uncle Toby , I’ll give him another.

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Your sudden and unexpected arrival, quoth my uncle Toby , addressing himself to Dr. Slop (all three of them sitting down to the fire together, as my uncle Toby began to speak)—instantly brought the great Stevinus into my head, who, you must know, is a favourite author with me.—Then, added my father, making use of the argument Ad Crumenam ,—I will lay twenty guineas to a single crown-piece (which will serve to give away to Obadiah when he gets back) that this same Stevinus was some engineer or other,—or has wrote something or other, either directly or indirectly, upon the science of fortification.

He has so,—replied my uncle Toby .—I knew it, said my father, though, for the soul of me, I cannot see what kind of connection there can be betwixt Dr. Slop’s sudden coming, and a discourse upon fortification;—yet I fear’d it.—Talk of what we will, brother,——or let the occasion be never so foreign or unfit for the subject,—you are sure to bring it in. I would not, brother Toby , continued my father,———I declare I would not have my head so full of curtins and hornworks.—That I dare say you would not, quoth Dr. Slop , interrupting him, and laughing most immoderately at his pun.

Dennis the critic could not detest and abhor a pun, or the insinuation of a pun, more cordially than my father;—he would grow testy upon it at any time;—but to be broke in upon by one, in a serious discourse, was as bad, he would say, as a fillip upon the nose;——he saw no difference.

Sir, quoth my uncle Toby , addressing himself to Dr. Slop ,—the curtins my brother Shandy mentions here, have nothing to do with bedsteads;—tho’, I know Du Cange says, “That bed-curtains, in all probability, have taken their name from them;”—nor have the hornworks he speaks of, anything in the world to do with the horn-works of cuckoldom:—But the Curtin , Sir, is the word we use in fortification, for that part of the wall or rampart which lies between the two bastions and joins them—Besiegers seldom offer to carry on their attacks directly against the curtin, for this reason, because they are so well flanked . (’Tis the case of other curtains, quoth Dr. Slop , laughing.) However, continued my uncle Toby , to make them sure, we generally choose to place ravelins before them, taking care only to extend them beyond the fossé or ditch:——The common men, who know very little of fortification, confound the ravelin and the half-moon together,—tho’ they are very different things;—not in their figure or construction, for we make them exactly alike, in all points;—for they always consist of two faces, making a salient angle, with the gorges, not straight, but in form of a crescent:——Where then lies the difference? (quoth my father, a little testily).—In their situations, answered my uncle Toby :—For when a ravelin, brother, stands before the curtin, it is a ravelin; and when a ravelin stands before a bastion, then the ravelin is not a ravelin;—it is a half-moon;—a half-moon likewise is a half-moon, and no more, so long as it stands before its bastion;——but was it to change place, and get before the curtin,—’twould be no longer a half-moon; a half-moon, in that case, is not a half-moon;—’tis no more than a ravelin.——I think, quoth my father, that the noble science of defence has its weak sides——as well as others.

—As for the horn-work (high! ho! sigh’d my father) which, continued my uncle Toby , my brother was speaking of, they are a very considerable part of an outwork;——they are called by the French engineers, Ouvrage à corne , and we generally make them to cover such places as we suspect to be weaker than the rest;—’tis formed by two epaulments or demi-bastions—they are very pretty,—and if you will take a walk, I’ll engage to shew you one well worth your trouble.—I own, continued my uncle Toby , when we crown them,—they are much stronger, but then they are very expensive, and take up a great deal of ground, so that, in my opinion, they are most of use to cover or defend the head of a camp; otherwise the double tenaille—By the mother who bore us!——brother Toby , quoth my father, not able to hold out any longer,——you would provoke a saint;——here have you got us, I know not how, not only souse into the middle of the old subject again:—But so full is your head of these confounded works, that though my wife is this moment in the pains of labour, and you hear her cry out, yet nothing will serve you but to carry off the man-midwife.—— Accoucheur ,—if you please, quoth Dr. Slop .——With all my heart, replied my father, I don’t care what they call you,—but I wish the whole science of fortification, with all its inventors, at the devil;—it has been the death of thousands,—and it will be mine in the end,—I would not, I would not, brother Toby , have my brains so full of saps, mines, blinds, gabions, pallisadoes, ravelins, half-moons, and such trumpery, to be proprietor of Namur , and of all the towns in Flanders with it.