A to Z Classics - Complete Works Of Oscar Wilde (Best Navigation) (A to Z Classics)

·21· algernon

Certainly, Aunt Augusta. [ Goes over to tea-table .]

lady bracknell

Won’t you come and sit here, Gwendolen?

gwendolen

Thanks, mamma, I’m quite comfortable where I am.

algernon

[ Picking up empty plate in horror .] Good heavens! Lane! Why are there no cucumber sandwiches? I ordered them specially.

lane

[ Gravely .] There were no cucumbers in the market this morning, sir. I went down twice.

algernon

No cucumbers!

lane

No, sir. Not even for ready money.

algernon

That will do, Lane, thank you.

·22· lane

Thank you, sir. [ Goes out .]

algernon

I am greatly distressed, Aunt Augusta, about there being no cucumbers, not even for ready money.

lady bracknell

It really makes no matter, Algernon. I had some crumpets with Lady Harbury, who seems to me to be living entirely for pleasure now.

algernon

I hear her hair has turned quite gold from grief.

lady bracknell

It certainly has changed its colour. From what cause I, of course, cannot say. [ Algernon crosses and hands tea .] Thank you. I’ve quite a treat for you to-night, Algernon. I am going to send you down with Mary Farquhar. She is such a nice woman, and so attentive to her husband. It’s delightful to watch them.

algernon

I am afraid, Aunt Augusta, I shall have to give up the pleasure of dining with you to-night after all.

·23· lady bracknell

[ Frowning .] I hope not, Algernon. It would put my table completely out. Your uncle would have to dine upstairs. Fortunately he is accustomed to that.

algernon

It is a great bore, and, I need hardly say, a terrible disappointment to me, but the fact is I have just had a telegram to say that my poor friend Bunbury is very ill again. [ Exchanges glances with Jack .] They seem to think I should be with him.

lady bracknell

It is very strange. This Mr. Bunbury seems to suffer from curiously bad health.

algernon

Yes; poor Bunbury is a dreadful invalid.

lady bracknell

Well, I must say, Algernon, that I think it is high time that Mr. Bunbury made up his mind whether he was going to live or to die. This shilly-shallying with the question is absurd. Nor do I in any way approve of the modern sympathy with invalids. I consider it morbid. Illness of any kind is hardly a thing to be encouraged in others. Health is the primary duty of life. I am always telling that to your poor uncle, but he never seems to take much notice … as far as any improvement in his ailments ·24· goes. I should be much obliged if you would ask Mr. Bunbury, from me, to be kind enough not to have a relapse on Saturday, for I rely on you to arrange my music for me. It is my last reception, and one wants something that will encourage conversation, particularly at the end of the season when everyone has practically said whatever they had to say, which, in most cases, was probably not much.

algernon

I’ll speak to Bunbury, Aunt Augusta, if he is still conscious, and I think I can promise you he’ll be all right by Saturday. Of course the music is a great difficulty. You see, if one plays good music, people don’t listen, and if one plays bad music people don’t talk. But I’ll run over the programme I’ve drawn out, if you will kindly come into the next room for a moment.

lady bracknell

Thank you, Algernon. It is very thoughtful of you. [ Rising, and following Algernon .] I’m sure the programme will be delightful, after a few expurgations. French songs I cannot possibly allow. People always seem to think that they are improper, and either look shocked, which is vulgar, or laugh, which is worse. But German sounds a thoroughly respectable language, and indeed, I believe is so. Gwendolen, you will accompany me.

gwendolen

Certainly, mamma.

·25· [ Lady Bracknell and Algernon go into the music-room, Gwendolen remains behind .]

jack

Charming day it has been, Miss Fairfax.

gwendolen

Pray don’t talk to me about the weather, Mr. Worthing. Whenever people talk to me about the weather, I always feel quite certain that they mean something else. And that makes me so nervous.

jack

I do mean something else.

gwendolen

I thought so. In fact, I am never wrong.

jack

And I would like to be allowed to take advantage of Lady Bracknell’s temporary absence …

gwendolen

I would certainly advise you to do so. Mamma has a way of coming back suddenly into a room that I have often had to speak to her about.

jack

[ Nervously .] Miss Fairfax, ever since I met you I have admired you more than any girl … I have ever met since … I met you.

·26· gwendolen

Yes, I am quite aware of the fact. And I often wish that in public, at any rate, you had been more demonstrative. For me you have always had an irresistible fascination. Even before I met you I was far from indifferent to you. [ Jack looks at her in amazement .] We live, as I hope you know, Mr. Worthing, in an age of ideals. The fact is constantly mentioned in the more expensive monthly magazines, and has reached the provincial pulpits I am told: and my ideal has always been to love some one of the name of Ernest. There is something in that name that inspires absolute confidence. The moment Algernon first mentioned to me that he had a friend called Ernest, I knew I was destined to love you.

jack

You really love me, Gwendolen?

gwendolen

Passionately!

jack

Darling! You don’t know how happy you’ve made me.

gwendolen

My own Ernest!

jack

But you don’t really mean to say that you couldn’t love me if my name wasn’t Ernest?

·27· gwendolen

But your name is Ernest.

jack

Yes, I know it is. But supposing it was something else? Do you mean to say you couldn’t love me then?

gwendolen

[ Glibly .] Ah! that is clearly a metaphysical speculation, and like most metaphysical speculations has very little reference at all to the actual facts of real life, as we know them.

jack

Personally, darling, to speak quite candidly, I don’t much care about the name of Ernest … I don’t think the name suits me at all.

gwendolen

It suits you perfectly. It is a divine name. It has a music of its own. It produces vibrations.

jack

Well, really, Gwendolen, I must say that I think there are lots of other much nicer names. I think Jack, for instance, a charming name.

·28· gwendolen

Jack? … No, there is very little music in the name Jack, if any at all, indeed. It does not thrill. It produces absolutely no vibrations…. I have known several Jacks, and they all, without exception, were more than usually plain. Besides, Jack is a notorious domesticity for John! And I pity any woman who is married to a man called John. She would probably never be allowed to know the entrancing pleasure of a single moment’s solitude. The only really safe name is Ernest.

jack

Gwendolen, I must get christened at once—I mean we must get married at once. There is no time to be lost.

gwendolen

Married, Mr. Worthing?

jack

[ Astounded .] Well … surely. You know that I love you, and you led me to believe, Miss Fairfax, that you were not absolutely indifferent to me.

gwendolen

I adore you. But you haven’t proposed to me yet. Nothing has been said at all about marriage. The subject has not even been touched on.

·29· jack

Well … may I propose to you now?

gwendolen

I think it would be an admirable opportunity. And to spare you any possible disappointment, Mr. Worthing, I think it only fair to tell you quite frankly beforehand that I am fully determined to accept you.