Joe Hammond - A Short History of Falling

Everything I Observed About Love Whilst Dying

4th Estate

An imprint of HarperCollins Publishers

1 London Bridge Street

London SE1 9GF

www.4thEstate.co.uk

This eBook first published in Great Britain by 4th Estate in 2019

Copyright © Joe Hammond 2019

Cover photograph © Harry Borden

Cover design by Jo Walker

Hand lettering by E Cousins

Photographs here and here © Harry Borden

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

The afterword was first published under the title ‘I’ve been saying goodbye to my family for two years’ in the Guardian in December 2019.

Joe Hammond asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins

Source ISBN: 9780008339944

Ebook Edition © August 2019 ISBN: 9780008339920

Version: 2020-12-14

for Gill, Tom & Jimmy

Contents

Cover

Title Page A SHORT HISTORY OF FALLING Everything I Observed About Love Whilst Dying

Copyright Copyright Copyright Dedication Foreword Tumbling The Body Doctor Tiago’s Hydroelectric Power Plant Cuckmere Haven Losses The Woman Who Lived in a Shoe Gill Mooto Nuney Disease Fathers What Dying Really Feels Like Arrivals Afterword Acknowledgements About the Author About the Publisher 4th Estate An imprint of HarperCollins Publishers 1 London Bridge Street London SE1 9GF www.4thEstate.co.uk This eBook first published in Great Britain by 4th Estate in 2019 Copyright © Joe Hammond 2019 Cover photograph © Harry Borden Cover design by Jo Walker Hand lettering by E Cousins Photographs here and here © Harry Borden A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library The afterword was first published under the title ‘I’ve been saying goodbye to my family for two years’ in the Guardian in December 2019. Joe Hammond asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins Source ISBN: 9780008339944 Ebook Edition © August 2019 ISBN: 9780008339920 Version: 2020-12-14

Dedication Dedication Dedication Foreword Tumbling The Body Doctor Tiago’s Hydroelectric Power Plant Cuckmere Haven Losses The Woman Who Lived in a Shoe Gill Mooto Nuney Disease Fathers What Dying Really Feels Like Arrivals Afterword Acknowledgements About the Author About the Publisher for Gill, Tom & Jimmy

Foreword

Tumbling

The Body

Doctor Tiago’s Hydroelectric Power Plant

Cuckmere Haven

Losses

The Woman Who Lived in a Shoe

Gill

Mooto Nuney Disease

Fathers

What Dying Really Feels Like

Arrivals

Afterword

Acknowledgements

About the Author

About the Publisher

How do you decide upon a day to die? For us, we had to find out when the doctors we needed were available; then we took note of the school holidays coming up, and finally we looked at the carer rota in place for that month. Who could we trust with Joe’s death as much as we had trusted them with his life? It was a ludicrous situation really.

The next step was a meeting with the relevant doctors. What incredible women they were throughout this whole, surreal journey. They asked us, ‘How did we imagine the process might unfold during which Joe would receive a huge amount of morphine to sedate him enough that his ventilator could be removed?’ This was his wish – to withdraw from the treatment that had been keeping him alive these last six months. We were bemused. What were the options!? Apparently, some people choose to watch television and the programme of choice for their final breath of life is ‘Countdown’. This gave Joe and me the giggles, and we said we thought we’d manage without any more conundrums than we had already.

How do you mark the days before the final day of your life? My top tip (in case you’re interested) is to keep it simple. Our daily lives aren’t fanfares and parades. In fact, the beauty of life is in all the tiny moments that are far more difficult to say goodbye to. The hand on a foot. The shared opinion on where the furniture should go. The stories of Tom and Jimmy’s day. The excitement at seeing a woodpecker. A small fragment of the many moments before that final day.

Why am I sharing this with you? Well, that day arrived and it was the bravest thing I have ever witnessed. But it was also transformational in my understanding and acceptance of death. Death is coming to us all and I feel there is some new, unteachable knowledge to be gleaned from Joe’s decision to allow it to come. To face it and know it. I think many people’s understanding of death is no more nuanced than a Halloween-style dread. I know mine used to be. In fact, I don’t know whether my younger self would even have wanted to pick up this book! And Now? now, I am relieved: sad, but no longer scared.

Why did Joe end his life? Well, it would have ended at some point and this disease wasn’t going to give up. Other people may have chosen differently, but for Joe life had to have meaning and his increasing isolation from the world and particularly from the boys meant that he did not want to continue, and he wasn’t afraid of dying.

I don’t know where he is now and that is hard, but I do understand that nothing really dies and that matter just transforms into other forms. Tom and I have discussions about atoms and wonder whether daddy’s atoms might just be dancing around us right now. No one knows for sure either way – so why not?

When I first met Joe he was wearing cords, a blazer, a leather satchel and of course, his black rimmed glasses. He looked like someone who should be on University Challenge but despite this, I was drawn to him. It wasn’t love at first sight – it was curiosity and intrigue. To be honest, my immediate impression was that he might be interesting but he would be a bit wimpish, a bit wet – someone who wouldn’t want to take a risk in life.