Amelia Henley - The Life We Almost Had

‘I don’t want to go into it all, but Nell’s my best friend. We’re not romantically… I’m not romantically…’ She ran her fingers over the face of my watch. ‘I hope that’s waterproof – it looks old?’

She was changing the subject. I wanted to know why she was on a honeymoon with her friend but I didn’t want to push. She looked so pale and there was still a tremble in her fingers as she lifted them from my wrist.

‘It’ll be okay.’ I leaned back on my elbows, feeling the rough sand against my feet, the sun warming my skin, and hope. I felt hope.

‘You twat,’ Josh would have said if he knew what I was thinking.

He wouldn’t be far wrong.

‘Thank you,’ Anna said quietly. We’d been sitting side by side, gazing out to sea for at least fifteen minutes – it was difficult to gauge the time; my watch wasn’t waterproof and I wasn’t hopeful it would ever work again. We were both lost in our own what-might-have-been thoughts. Our silence companionable rather than awkward. ‘You saved my life,’ she said.

‘You’d have been okay.’ I sieved sand through my fingers. ‘How are you feeling?’

‘Better. Embarrassed. I’m not a good swimmer.’

‘No shit!’

There was a split second when her expression hovered uncertainly before she burst into laughter. I found myself laughing too and when Josh returned with the drinks we were doubled over, my sides aching.

‘What’s so funny?’ Josh asked, shadowed in the sun, but we couldn’t tell him. Couldn’t explain it. For Anna it was probably the relief of her being alive. For me? It was the same.

‘I’m Nell.’ The blonde handed Anna a plastic pint glass of beer before she sat, curving her legs under her.

‘Adam.’ I took a sip from the glass Josh offered me. It was weak and warm.

‘Are you as smooth as your friend here, Adam?’ Nell asked.

‘Sadly not. Josh has all the moves.’

‘So he thinks,’ Nell grinned.

‘I think I might have met my match,’ Josh said.

Nell raised her eyebrows. ‘You think ?’

‘And you are?’ Josh held a hand out to Anna.

‘Anna.’ She took his hand and he raised hers to his lips, planted a kiss.

‘A beautiful name for a beautiful woman.’

Nell cupped her hands around her mouth. ‘Lock up your daughters – Casanova is in town.’

Josh’s eyes were all over Anna, undoubtedly unsavoury thoughts running through his mind.

‘Oi. Behave.’ I threw a kick in his direction. He glanced at me and I gave an almost indiscernible shake of my head and in return he gave an almost imperceptible nod. He turned his attention back to Nell. He may come across as a dick sometimes but, like I said, he was loyal to me. Always had my back.

While he asked Nell if she fancied another swim, I asked Anna if she wanted to go for a walk and I tried not to read too much into it when she said that she did.

We strolled barefoot across the beach, not getting too close to the rolling waves that frothed into foam. Jet skis zoomed towards the shore and shot out to sea again as though they were attached to elastic. I felt the prickling heat of sunburn on the back of my neck, but I also felt something else. Comfortable. Something I’d never truly felt with Roxanne, with her constant obsession with her appearance. With my appearance. Making me change before a night out if what I was wearing didn’t complement her outfit.

‘Shall we head up there?’ I pointed to a slope that led off the beach.

In unison, we turned. Our bodies were close as we strolled, arms almost brushing. I could have stretched out my fingers and taken her hand, but I didn’t.

We paused when we reached the path. Brushing the sand from our feet before slipping our flip-flops on. Hers were silver and sparkly. Mine were from Primark, white and plastic. Roxanne would have been horrified.

A row of kiosks selling postcards and buckets and spades provided a strip of shade and we stepped into it thankfully, welcoming the kiss of warmth rather than the beating heat.

A man approached us and thrust a clipboard under Anna’s nose. Pushed a pen into her hand. He tapped twice on the sentence at the top of the form written in broken English. Some sort of petition to keep open a school for deaf children. Anna glanced at the man, confused. He placed his hands over his ears.

‘You’re deaf,’ Anna said.

He nodded. Moved a hand to cover his mouth.

‘You can’t talk?’

He shook his head.

Anna’s expression was one of sadness. ‘I’m so sorry.’ She spoke slowly. Clearly, exaggerating each word with the movement of her lips. ‘What do you need?’

He twisted his fingers, signing things we didn’t understand.

‘I can’t… I don’t know sign language,’ Anna said.

The man tapped twice on the sentence again, this time with force. The clipboard bowing in Anna’s hands. He slid his finger down to a blank space before pointing at Anna.

‘You want me to sign my name?’

He nodded. His hands making circles as though there was more.

‘My address?’

He nodded again. Tapped the paper too hard. He was getting my back up now. He might be deaf but that was no excuse to be rude and intimidating.

‘You don’t have to—’ I began but Anna had begun scrawling out her details.

Anna Adlington.

‘Good luck.’ She handed the clipboard back to him with a smile. She began to walk on but he put a hand against her shoulder, stopping her. He rubbed his fingers together, the universal sign for cold hard cash.

‘Oh, you want money!’ Anna’s cheeks spotted pink. ‘I’m so sorry, I don’t have my bag. Adam… do you…’

I did have my wallet but I wasn’t giving anything to this tosser with his aggressive attitude. It was probably a scam.

‘No, I don’t.’ I took Anna’s arm and went to walk away but the man blocked my path.

‘Listen, mate.’ I straightened my spine. ‘We’re not giving you any money, understand?’

The man began to shout, angry words, and despite the language barrier I could guess what he was saying.

‘Back off.’ I held up my palm, shielding Anna with my other arm. We hurried away.

‘He lied,’ she said quietly. ‘You really can’t trust anyone.’ I could hear the crack in her voice as she spoke and I knew she was thinking of whoever had hurt her, just as I was thinking of Roxanne.

‘I’d better get back to Nell.’ She wouldn’t meet my eye and began to hurry away.

‘Anna.’ I hesitated as she paused. Unsure what I wanted to say. That not all men are bastards. That I’d never hurt her. Lie to her. That rejection was raw for me as well, that I understood; finding Roxanne in bed with her boss, her legs wrapped around his waist while a band of pain tightened around my heart. There was so much I wanted to say but I didn’t say any of it. Instead, I asked, ‘I’d very much like to have dinner later. With you, I mean. You and me having dinner together. What do you think?’

It was crazy to ask. A holiday romance wasn’t on the agenda. A quick fling wasn’t my style and I had plans for after this fortnight. A new life waiting that wouldn’t accommodate a relationship. But still, in that moment we felt all kinds of right for each other. I didn’t know then that we were all kinds of wrong for each other.

I didn’t know, while I waited for her answer, that I should, perhaps, have walked away.

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