Margit Sandemo - The Ice People 28 - Ice and Fire

Then the most horrible thing imaginable occurred: Signe died. She went into labour, everything went much too fast and she couldn’t manage it. By then Belinda had travelled back to Christiania and she blamed herself for not having stayed with her sister.

It was a fourfold tragedy for Belinda. Not only did she feel pain and empathy for the new-born, motherless child, but she grieved over her beloved sister so that she thought her heart would break, while her family practically canonized Signe.

And this reflected badly on Belinda, who was the oldest daughter. “No, Belinda, Signe would never have set the table that way!” “Oh, dearest Mrs Svendsdatter, it is such a tragedy! Now there is only poor Belinda left to help with the household chores, and even though that poor girl tries very hard, it will never be the same as with Signe!” “Yes, I always said that Signe was much too good for this world! God always chooses to take the best ones first and she was already a little angel in her life here on earth, wasn’t she?” “Oh. Belinda, can’t you take a moment to think? Your brain is like a sieve, you pour information in and it leaks out immediately. You must fold the napkin so that the monogram faces out, not in! Oh, how I do miss Signe!”

Belinda’s self-confidence shrank and shrank, which made her do even more clumsy things. Because of the big age difference between her and her other siblings, she ended up having to do most of the household chores. She had had to anyway, after Signe was married, but her parents hadn’t given it much thought then. It wasn’t until now, after Signe’s death, that they really noticed the differences between the two sisters.

Often Belinda felt drawn to the idea of dying. Perhaps she, too, would become a saint in the eyes of her family and would once again meet Signe, whom she so worshipped; Signe, whom she missed so much that it tore unbearably at her heart.

And she thought of the little girl who was now living at Elistrand. Belinda’s parents had time and again asked Herbert Abrahamsen for permission to care for Signe’s daughter, but he would not hear of it. He already had help, he said.

There was something else that bothered Belinda. It was the vision the two sisters had seen that night. That had undoubtedly been the cause of Signe’s death, Belinda believed. And it had been Belinda’s fault: she should have made the sign of the cross and recited the word of God at the rider who had appeared out of the darkness. Then Signe would have been alive today.

One day Belinda’s tragedy reached its climax, but no one else was aware of it at the time.

Herbert Abrahamsen announced his arrival and made his entrance dressed in mourning. His hair had thinned considerably since she had last seen him, he was slightly paler and, even though he concealed it well, he had gained a little more weight.

He sat there in Belinda’s father’s drawing room and asked for her hand!

Her parents were dumbfounded and stared at him in disbelief.

They slowly began to realize what this might mean. A very rich man was sitting before them – a man whom they had been delighted to get as a son-in-law the first time round – and was offering to marry the one daughter they had thought they would never be able to get off their hands. And he had grown even richer in the meantime!

Belinda was quickly summoned. She entered wearing her apron and fumbled so horribly trying to get it off that it made Herbert frown disapprovingly. In a euphoric voice her mother told her the incredible news.

Belinda responded in her usual rash and spontaneous way. “No, thank you!” she said.

Both parents let out a horrified gasp. “But, Belinda!”

Then there was a huge commotion. Her parents scolded her, but they didn’t know how to go about appeasing the rejected gentleman.

Belinda dropped her head into her hands in confusion. “I can’t do that,” she said in a pathetic voice. “He is Signe’s!”

They stared at her, trying to understand her train of thought – which never followed the conventional way of thinking.

“Of course, it’s out of respect,” said her mother, in an attempt to smooth things over. “She probably doesn’t feel that she can replace her sister.”

Herbert opened his slack mouth, which so many women found sensual. “She won’t be able to do that, but I need a son as soon as possible. One who can succeed me one day. And there will be quite a bit for him to inherit as well. It was unfortunate that my first wife died, but I imagine that your next oldest daughter is more robust and can be of more use in that regard.”

Once again he let his eyes glide over her body with one of those strange glances, and she shuddered slightly without meaning to.

Oh, didn’t they understand anything? It was so difficult for her to express things properly. Didn’t they understand that she didn’t want to take over anything that had once been Signe’s? Especially not her husband, of whom she had been so proud. Belinda wouldn’t have a moment’s rest if she were to take Signe’s place as Herbert’s wife. What a blasphemous thought!

That was her train of thought, but she didn’t know how to put it into words.

Herbert Abrahamsen continued, “Of course, we will have to wait until our year of mourning has passed, that goes without saying. But I have a child under my roof in need of loving care now. So if your daughter could come immediately ...”

“Of course, that goes without saying!” Belinda’s mother answered.

“Why can’t the child live here instead?” asked Belinda quickly.

Herbert looked Belinda directly in the eyes for the first time. He had lush brown eyes that made the little servant girls swoon. Belinda shook her head in confusion. For some odd reason she thought of a cow.

In a slightly sharp tone he said: “We’ve already discussed that. The child is mine and will, naturally, stay in my house. I would like to see it brought up according to my terms and principles. I have employed a nurse and a nanny for her, but they will both be stopping soon. The nurse is no longer necessary and the nanny ...” He interrupted himself. “The heart of the matter is that what the girl really needs is a mother, and I can’t think of a better person to take that place than Signe’s own sister!”

As the grown-ups went on speaking, Belinda’s thoughts flew and fluttered in their own strange direction. Nearly every cell in her body objected to taking her beloved Signe’s place. She just couldn’t do it! Even Herbert Abrahamsen must know how clumsy and hopeless she was. There was no way in the world that she would ever wish to take responsibility for a small, delicate child. Why, she could let a glass bowl slip out of her hands from sheer absentmindedness!

But there was something else that was bothering her. Although Belinda wasn’t used to getting attention from the opposite sex, the glances she was receiving from Herbert made her extremely uneasy. She couldn’t define this sense of unease, but it made her thoughts flutter and fly. She didn’t understand why she got the impression that this man had other intentions for her. Everyone said that he was a handsome man and a good catch. Signe had said it as well, so it had to be true. But Signe had also inadvertently insinuated something along the lines of him being “passionate to the point of being over-sexed”. Belinda, at eighteen, hadn’t understood those words entirely, but they were what concerned her the most.

She felt that it had to do with her own great secret. She herself could experience strange waves moving through her body, as though her blood was growing warmer, and there was this vague, unfamiliar longing that she had often felt and which could suddenly grow painfully stronger. No one knew of her reveries in the quiet of the night, her attempts to subdue the intrusive needs of her body, her great fear and shame over the things she did.