Howie Jacobson - You Can Change Other People

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Bregman, Peter, author. | Jacobson, Howie, author.

Title: You can change other people : the four steps to help your colleagues, employees-even family-up their game / Peter Bregman, Howie Jacobson.

Description: First Edition. | Hoboken, New Jersey : Wiley, 2022.

Identifiers: LCCN 2021021827 (print) | LCCN 2021021828 (ebook) | ISBN 9781119816539 (hardback) | ISBN 9781119816607 (adobe pdf) | ISBN 9781119816591 (epub)

Subjects: LCSH: Communication in management. | Interpersonal relations. | Leadership.

Classification: LCC HD30.3 .B744 2022 (print) | LCC HD30.3 (ebook) | DDC 650.1/3—dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021021827

LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021021828

COVER DESIGN: PAUL MCCARTHY

We dedicate this book to the memory of our fathers:

Gerry Bregman 13 December 1931–23 April 2020

Joel R. Jacobson 30 July 1918–26 December 1989

Peter: Papa, every page in this book is inspired by the gentle, sweet way you always brought out the best in people .

Howie: Dad, you showed me how to be a warrior for positive change and a steadfast champion of the underdog .

As one of the founders of the field of business coaching and an executive coach for more than 40 years, my mission has been simple: to help great leaders get even better through positive, lasting behavioral change. It's been an incredibly rewarding career. I've coached CEOs at organizations like Ford, the World Bank, Best Buy, Target, the Girl Scouts, and many others. I get paid very well; I work with amazing people; I contribute to positive change in the world.

But perhaps my biggest thrill is when I help someone “against the odds”—someone whose colleagues and family members may have given up hope that they will ever change—because, while the mission is easy to understand, the practice of changing is infinitely harder.

Think about all the ways you've attempted to enact change in your own life: losing weight, spending more time with family, listening better, exercising more often, drinking more water, staying focused on long-term goals. How many of these goals have become permanent?

From my research with leaders, clients, and colleagues, the typical answer is “None.” There is a period of high motivation and through sheer force of will, you'll remain conscientious on drinking your water, mustering the energy to go to the gym all week, or making an effort to listen intently during conversations.

Then life takes over. You get busy, unexpected events happen, and you justify all the reasons you can't remain focused on your goals this week. Months later, your gym attendance is inconsistent at best, and no one thinks you've improved your listening.

Worse yet than having failed at making these changes for your own life, how often have you tried to change the behavior of a parent, child, friend, partner, spouse, colleague, or employee? How did that go for you?

The sentence beginning “If only you just …” does not normally lead to a productive conversation around positive changes and strategies to help the person you care about do things differently. In fact, more often than not, it results in the person becoming instantly defensive, angry, and resentful!

And yet with my coaching tools and skills and mindsets at the ready, miracles do happen! My clients shift longstanding patterns of self-sabotage. They adopt and maintain positive new behaviors that help them achieve their ambitions and aspirations.

Words cannot describe how meaningful, how satisfying, and how joyful this work is. You just have to experience it for yourself.

What I can put in words, however, is how absolutely possible it is. Yes, you CAN change other people. I do it all the time. So do Peter and Howie.

And the book you're holding in your hands right now will give you everything you need to master the process.

Because it is a process. It's methodical, not magical or manipulative. It doesn't take any particular personality trait other than a sincere desire to help and the humility and discipline to learn something new and practice it diligently.

In fact, the principles in this book underpin what I and other top coaches do to help our successful clients get even better. What Peter and Howie have done in these pages makes what we do accessible to you, to use at work, at home, and anywhere you want to help those you care about achieve their potential. They've taken what most people consider to be a frustrating, ambiguous process and formulated the four key steps to change—for both yourself and others.

Working with Peter for many years, it's been our business to change other people's behaviors in ways that get noticed by the people around them. I have been ranked as the #1 executive coach in the world for many years, and Peter is my successor to that title. His expert knowledge is evident from the way he's laid out the methodology for leading people to change without throwing up those usual blocks of frustration and resentment. These steps guide you to be the kind of leader who encourages and builds their team to get the best results from them, empowering these individuals to grow and improve.

Read on and learn how to become a better leader, partner, parent, and friend today. You can start having the same impact on your world as the most sought-after coaches have in theirs.

Life is good.

—Marshall Goldsmith

New York Times #1 Bestselling Author of Triggers, Mojo , and What Got You Here Won't Get You There

When my client Brian Gaffney stepped into the role of CEO of Allianz Global Distributors, a financial services company with over $90 billion in assets, the company was losing $30 million a year. Not only was Allianz struggling, but the entire industry was in turmoil (many other asset management companies were closing their doors) and morale was low.

“My team is made up of incredibly talented people,” Brian told me a short while after assuming the role. “But most of them have issues that are getting in the way of their effectiveness. One is rubbing people the wrong way by clumsy communications. Another isn't being clear with direct reports and isn't managing people effectively. A third needs to be more proactive; he isn't having hard conversations that need to happen. A fourth is brilliant but sloppy, and several people are commenting on the risk to his credibility.”

So we went to work. And under Brian's leadership, a declining company made a complete turnaround. In the period that we worked together, he turned that $30 million loss into an annual profit of $140 million.

Here's what's really important about this story: Brian's turnaround at Allianz happened with the same leadership team that had been losing $30 million a year.