Eliza Haywood - Love in Excess

Hopeless, and Silent, I must still adore,

Her Heart’s more hard than Stone whom I’d implore.

I had scarce finish’d ’em, when I perceiv’d Ansellina at a good distance from me, coming out of a little Arbour; the respect I had for her, made me fear she should know I was the Author of ’em, and guess, what I found, I had not gain’d Courage enough to tell her. I went out of the Alley, as I imagin’d, unseen, and design’d to come up another, and meet her, before she cou’d get into the House. But tho’ I walk’d pretty fast, she had left the Place before I cou’d attain it; and in her stead (casting my Eyes toward the Statue with an Intention to rub out what I had writ) I found this Addition to it.

You wrong your Love, while you conceal your Pain,

Flints will dissolve with constant drops of Rain.

But, my dear Brother, if you are yet insensible of the wonderful Effects of Love, you will not be able to imagine what I felt at this View; I was satisfy’d it could be writ by no Body but Ansellina, there being no other Person in the Garden, and knew as well she could not design that Encouragement for any other Man, because on many Occasions she had seen my Hand; and the Day before had written a Song for her, which she desir’d to learn, with that very Pen I now had made use of; and going hastily away at the sight of her, had forgot to take with me. I gaz’d upon the dear obliging Characters, and kiss’d the Marble which contain’d ’em, a thousand times before I cou’d find in my Heart to efface ’em; as I was in this agreeable Amazement, I heard Belpine’s Voice calling to me as he came up the walk, which oblig’d me to put an end to it, and the Object which occasion’d it. He had been told as well as I, that Ansellina was in the Garden, and expressing some wonder to see me alone, ask’d where she was, I answer’d him with a great deal of real Truth, that I knew not, and that I had been there some Time, but had not been so happy as to Entertain her. He seem’d not to give Credit to what I said, and began to use me after a Fashion as would have much more astonish’d me from any other Person. I would not have you, said he, be concern’d at what I am about to say, because you are one of those for whom I am willing to preserve a Friendship; and to convince you of my Sincerity, give you leave to address after what manner you please to any of the Ladies with whom I have brought you acquainted, excepting Ansellina. But I take this Opportunity to let you know, I have already made choice of her, with a design of Marriage, and from this time forward, shall look on any Visits you shall make to her, as injurious to my Pretensions. Tho’ I was no Stranger to the Vanity and Insolence of Belpine’s Humour, yet not being accustomed to such arbitrary Kind of Treatment, had certainly resented it (if we had been in any other Place) in a very different Manner than I did, but the consideration that to make a Noise there, would be a Reflection, rather than a Vindication on Ansellina’s Fame; I contented myself with telling him he might be perfectly easie, that whatever Qualifications the Lady might have that should encourage his Addresses, I should never give her any Reason to boast a Conquest over me. These Words might have born two Interpretations, if the disdainful Air with which I spoke ’em, and which I could not dissemble, and going immediately away had not made him take ’em, as they were really design’d, to affront him; He was full of Indignation and Jealousy (if it is possible for a Person to be touch’d with that Passion, who is not capable of the other, which generally occasions it) but however, having taken it into his Head to imagine I was better receiv’d by Ansellina than he desired; Envy, and a sort of a Womanish Spleen transported him so far as to go to Ansellina’s Apartment, and rail at me most profusely (as I have since been told) and threaten how much he’d be reveng’d, if he heard I ever should have the assurance to Visit there again. Ansellina at first laugh’d at his Folly, but finding he persisted, and began to assume more Liberty than she ever meant to afford him; instead of list’ning to his Entreaties, to forbid me the Privilege I had enjoy’d of her Conversation; she pass’d that very Sentence on him, and when next I waited of her, receiv’d me with more Respect than ever; and when at last I took the boldness to acquaint her with my Passion; I had the Satisfaction to observe from the frankness of her Disposition, that I was not indifferent to her; nor indeed did she, even in Publick, affect any reservedness more than the decencies of her Sex and Quality requir’d; for after my Pretensions to her were commonly talk’d of, and those who were intimate with her, wou’d rally her about me; she pass’d it off with a Spirit of Gaity and good Humour peculiar to her self, and bated nothing of her usual freedom to me; she permitted me to Read to her, to Walk and Dance with her, and I had all the Opportunities of endeavouring an encrease of her Esteem that I cou’d wish, which so incens’d Belpine, that he made no scruple of reviling both her and me in all Companies wherever he came; saying, I was a little worthless Fellow, who had nothing but my Sword to depend upon; and that Ansellina having no hopes of Marrying him, was glad to take up with the first that ask’d her. These scandalous Reports on my first hearing of ’em had assuredly been fatal to one of us, if Ansellina had not commanded me by all the Passion I profess’d, and by the Friendship she freely acknowledged to have for me, not to take any Notice of ’em. I set too high a Value on the favours she allow’d me, to be capable of Disobedience; and she was too nice a Judge of the Punctillio’s of our Sexes Honour, not to take this Sacrifice of so just a Resentment, as a very great proof how much I submitted to her will, and suffer’d not a Day to pass without giving me some new mark how nearly she was touch’d with it. I was the most contented and happy Person in the World, still hoping that in a little time, (she having no Relations that had Power to contradict her Inclinations) I should be able to obtain every thing from her that an honourable Passion could require; ’till one Evening coming Home pretty late from her, my Servant gave me a Letter, which he told me was left for me, by one of Belpine’s Servants; I presently suspected the Contents, and found I was not mistaken; it was really a Challenge to meet him the next Morning, and must confess, tho’ I long’d for an Opportunity to Chastise his Insolence, was a little troubled how to excuse my self to Ansellina but there was no possibility of evading it, without rendering my self unworthy of her, and hop’d that Circumstance wou’d be sufficient to clear me to her. I will not trouble you, Brother, with the particulars of our Duel, since there was nothing material, but that at the third pass (I know not whether I may call it the effect of my good or evil Fortune) he receiv’d my Sword a good depth in his Body, and fell with all the Symptoms of a Dying-Man. I made all possible hast to send a Surgeon to him. In my way I met two Gentlemen, who it seems he had made acquainted with his Design (probably with an intention to be prevented). They ask’d me what Success, and when I had inform’d ’em, advis’d me to be gone from Amiens before the News should reach the Ears of Belpine’s Relations, who were not inconsiderable in that Place. I made ’em those Retributions their Civilities deserv’d; but how eminent soever the Danger appear’d that threatned me, cou’d not think of leaving Amiens , without having first seen Ansellina. I went to the Baronesses , and found my Charmer at her Toylet, and either it was my Fancy, or else she really did look more amiable in that Undress, than ever I had seen her, tho’ adorn’d with the utmost Illustrations. She seem’d surpriz’d at seeing me so early, and with her wonted good Humour, asking me the reason of it, put me into a mortal Agony how to answer her, for I must assure you, Brother, that the fears of her Displeasure were a thousand times more dreadful to me, than any other apprehensions; she repeated the Question three or four times before I had Courage to Reply, and I believe she was pretty near guessing the Truth by my Silence, and the disorder in my Countenance before I spoke; and when I did, she receiv’d the account of the whole Adventure with a vast deal of trouble, but no anger; she knew too well, what I ow’d to my Reputation, and the Post his Majesty had honour’d me with, to believe, I cou’d, or ought to dispence with submitting to the Reflections which must have fallen on me, had I acted otherwise than I did. Her Concern and Tears, which she had not Power to contain at the thoughts of my Departure, joyn’d with her earnest Conjurations to me to be gone, let me more than ever into the Secrets of her Heart, and gave me a Pleasure as inconceivable as the necessity of parting did the contrary. Nothing cou’d be more moving than our taking leave, and when she tore her self half willing, and half unwilling, from my Arms, had sent me away inconsolable, if her Promises of coming to Paris , as soon as she could, without being taken notice of, and frequently writing to me in the mean time, had not given me a Hope, tho’ a distant one, of Happiness. Thus Brother, have I given you, in as few Words as I cou’d, a Recital of every thing that has happen’d to me of Consequence since our Separation, in which I dare believe you will find more to Pity than Condemn. The afflicted Chevalier cou’d not conclude without letting fall some Tears; which the Count perceiving, ran to him, and tenderly embracing him, said all that cou’d be expected from a most affectionate Friend to mitigate his Sorrows, nor suffered him to remove from his Arms ’till he had accomplish’d his Design; and then believing the hearing of the Adventures of another, (especially one he was so deeply interested in) would be the surest Means to give a Truce to the more melancholy Reflections on his own; related every thing that had befallen him since his coming to Paris . The Letters he receiv’d from a Lady Incognito , his little Gallantries with Amena, and the accident that presented to his View, the unknown Lady in the Person of one of the greatest Fortunes in all France . Nothing cou’d be a greater Cordial to the Chevalier, than to find his Brother was belov’d by the Sister of Ansellina; he did not doubt but that by this there might be a possibility of seeing her sooner than else he cou’d have hop’d, and the two Brothers began to enter into a serious consultation of this Affair, which ended with a Resolution to fix their Fortunes there. The Count had never yet seen a Beauty formidable enough to give him an Hours uneasiness (purely for the sake of Love) and would often say, Cupid ’s Quiver never held an Arrow of force to reach his Heart; those little Delicacies, those trembling aking Transports, which every sight of the belov’d Object occasions, and so visibly distinguishes a real Passion from a Counterfeit, he look’d on as the Chimera’s of an idle Brain, form’d to inspire Notions of an imaginary Bliss, and make Fools lose themselves in seeking; or if they had a Being; it was only in weak Souls, a kind of a Disease with which he assur’d himself he should never be infected. Ambition was certainly the reigning Passion in his Soul, and Alovisa’s Quality and vast Possessions, promising a full Gratification of that, he ne’er so much as wish’d to know a farther Happiness in Marriage.