Sandra Pasic - Life with the black demon

Sandra Pašić

LIFE WITH THE BLACK DEMON

Psychological confession

Bihać, 2021

Sandra Pašić

LIFE WITH THE BLACK DEMON

PUBLISHED BY:

Visual Marketing Agency

PUBLISHER:

Isa Šarić

EDITED BY:

Sedžida Beganović-Isaković, LLB and master manager

REVIEWERS:

Ass. prof. Vildana Aziraj-Smajić, MD, PhD,

the specialist of clinical psychology

Sedžida Beganović, LLB and master manager

DTP:

DEAL EL TANT

PRINTED:

in Fojnica by Printing house Fojnica JSC

PRINTED IN:

500 copies

Translated by Ermina and Šejla Švraka, 2021

© All rights reserved.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher.

I am grateful to my psychologists and nurses at Bad Homburg (Day Clinic) who helped me face the truth, ground myself in the real life and not to live in the past.

I owe a special gratitude to my husband Admir Pašić who has stayed by my side all these years and through all of my tribulations. He has never left my side, even when I was at my worst, he was always there for me and kept our marriage and our children safe.

I want to thank my father-in-law Brko (Omer) who has shown me what a real father should be like. He was always my support, counsellor, help; he was always looking for the best in me and for a solution to every problem.

I am also grateful to my mother-in-law Samira, a wonderful person. She was always by my side and a great support from the beginning. I love her very much because she is such a fair and wonderful person to have.

My brother-in-law, Ami, is like a real brother to me. We have so much in common, our topics, respect and appreciation for each other. Thank you for all the conversations and advice.

A special, and perhaps the greatest support came from my dear Indira, a friend, a sister-in-law, a “sister.” She is a marvelous person. She has always been not just my support, but also my tower of strength. She would always find the best way to reach out to me. She was my motivation, even when I was ready to give up on writing this book, she encouraged me. She cried with me countless of times, she calmed me down (sometimes with the help of tranquilizers), she embolden me…

I would also like to thank my colleague Nejra, with whom I remain in touch on a daily basis, who listened to me and gave me some useful advice. She never turned her back on me despite her own personal problems and illness. My blue-eyed beautiful girl has been my support since day one.

I want to thank Mehmed Jahić – Meho, who was always there both for me and my family, for our daily conversations. Thank you for your understanding, and even when I didn’t show sincere gratitude, you didn’t mind that. He and his wife Sabaheta are wonderful people. It is a great honour for me to be able to call them my friends.

I met some wonderful people, and made new friendships throughout my treatment. I don’t have many friends, but those few I do have I can proudly call my sincere and true friends.

I am grateful to everyone who helped me in any way!

Sandra Pašić,

the autor

To write a story about one’s life is hard for everyone, I think. It is especially hard for someone who has had a kind of life or a portion of that life that they wouldn’t wish on their worst enemy. Especially when you know that because of your truth and pain, you will immediately run into resistance, disapproval, misunderstanding, condemnation, gossip and everything else that comes with an unpleasant story. Nevertheless, I have decided to write a story about my life. For my own sake, for truth, God, and all those who were or will be in similar life situations. Let this be a lesson to everyone.

This is my story. Sad, painful, difficult, unpleasant, odd, truthful, but my own nonetheless.

I want to dedicate this book primarily to children who were or will be victims of domestic abuse, especially by their fathers, but also abused in general. I have to share my pain. Let everyone, and especially children of the world learn the lesson of this story. Let no one go through what I experienced and let no one feel the “bite of the black demon,” the bite of pain and suffering of life. Let this confession be a lesson for every child who has experienced and who is still experiencing the bites of their loved ones.

Such pain, such feeling, trust me, no human can endure. Yes, I know, my own family will criticise me, condemn me, because it is shameful to reveal such “stuff.” No one understands the kind of wounds I carry inside of me. No one knows what kind of life I’ve had. Life wasn’t easy for me. I didn’t have any support. My loved ones turned their backs on me. I grew up with no support or firm embrace which I craved my whole life. Understanding and support was what I lacked the most.

I look back at the past. Life, like a black demon, wasn’t easy for me. The burden I was carrying blocked my view and hearing… I couldn’t hear nor see anything around me, including the people or what was happening. Sometimes, when I thought about myself, I thought that if I opened up, I could overcome “the black demon.” I hoped I would have the support of my loved ones, or at least that they would feel sorry for me and my fate.

I fell, got up, knelt, fell again and got up again. It’s a fight. Even today. I’m still fighting. I live with my struggle; I go through this pain with a broken heart and a doleful look.

I ask myself: where is this strength and power coming from?

After everything, the story which has been told and shared, I can say that the misery which lay at the bottom of my heart has come to an end. I’m not ashamed anymore. What’s more, I am proud. I spoke out. Let no one be ashamed or have second thoughts about speaking openly and loudly about the pain which is concealed by shame, and barricaded by inhibition.

We should not keep quiet; we should not seal our mouths, barring them to speak up. We should speak. We should share our pain. There is always somebody in the world who will listen.

I waited and carried the pain that was killing me. I did not have the courage or strength to fight the “black demon.” I thought it was my end and that I was doomed to fail, to sacrifice myself.

That was all I thought about because I didn’t know there were professionals who could help me. Thank God, I found those people at a clinic in Germany. Doctors and experts helped me to finally open up and start my recovery. They advised me to let everything out. I listened to them and gathered my strength and started writing my life story. The very decision to start writing helped me immensely.

I got rid of the burden, got rid of the pain, the suffering, and now I walk with my head held high. I am not afraid. I am now a brave woman and a strong, respected mother and wife.

I want to say to all the victims of abuse: don’t be silent, don’t hide everything inside of you, don’t wait for a better tomorrow, open your mouths and raise your voices now.

No one deserves to be abused, to be punished by violence. Let everyone know that only the voice of justice and reason prevails. Like every other victim, I will too, after all,

be condemned by those who are silent and covered by “a blanket of shame”, but also by those who are not worthy of understanding.

Everyone deserves to live, love and be loved. Everyone wants me to think and pay attention to them, even though I’ve been doing just that all these years. Trust me when I say I can’t do that anymore, I have to think of myself from now on.