Chloe G. Wilde - Guys around the Globe

Bartender also had this urge for physical contact, which I avoided like the plague, of course. During my stay at his place he’d hug me whenever possible, he’d drop himself on my bed, which sent me screaming (and shock waves through the mattress). Well, I wasn’t literally screaming, but inwardly I was winning a screaming contest. The highlight of my entire stay, however, where my jaw just dropped and I was unable to react (which doesn’t happen often), where I was not sure whether I should start laughing hysterically or vomit, happened a couple of days before my departure. He was watching TV in his bed, I was leaving my room to go to the kitchen for some water, so I asked him whether he needed anything. His reply: “A massage and a blowjob”. I simply continued towards the kitchen.

He also had this typical German humor, which isn’t humor, if you ask me, and even in his late 30s he deemed it funny to crack the same misogynist jokes he used to love 16 years ago when I met him. Maturity is a relative term, I suppose. He doesn’t have much to boast of in terms of relationships with women, and at one point even his roommate, a model, couldn’t take his demeaning jokes any longer, sarcastically commenting on yet another one of his sexist remarks that he was such an expert on the subject of relationships considering his extensive relationship experience. Which shut him up, cracked me up and which will end his role in this book.

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This category includes the smallest penis and the fattest ex boyfriend, so I might as well bring up the ugliest guy I have ever had since he belongs to this chapter. I won’t comment much on him because there is not much interesting to say about him and I don’t want to reminisce about him too much. He’s into erotic photography, which supplied him with an endless amount of fresh meat despite his ugliness, he has a very good eye and he was my first contact with kinky sex. That’s all I have to say on this subject matter.

This chapter will also include experiences with other native German speakers, so my one and luckily only Austrian experience to date belongs here as well. I met him when I was living in Balkania, where he worked as an expat, well, as the director of a car leasing company that carries the name of one of my favorite cars (you will have to read the following chapters to find out which brand that might be).

He contacted me via a social networking site which has played a big role in my dating life, I must admit, after he had seen on my profile that I spoke German, which he told me was very important to him. We met for drinks, he was civilized and we had a nice conversation, although I found it a bit annoying that he mainly talked about himself. Yes, when people meet for the first time, they are supposed to talk about themselves to get to know each other, but this should also include bilateral communication and shouldn’t consist of mere soliloquies. During his monologues I caught myself a number of times as I was thinking about something completely different or trying to stifle a yawn. Had his stories been a bit more interesting, I might not have drifted off, but listening to someone tell me about his childhood in the Austrian pampa (yawn), how he is all proud of himself for having obtained a PhD (woohoo) and how he had been forced to live with roommates when he went back to school in his late 20s (so?) just isn’t something that will knock me off my feet. But hey, I didn’t want to be too demanding and arrogant, so I decided to nevertheless give him a chance. Maybe pampa boy had some hidden qualities fate wanted me to discover? He certainly smelled yummy and was very well dressed, hence I turned a blind eye to the fact that he was my height, i.e. not too tall.

After a couple of days of intense text messaging, he invited me on a day trip to go see some famous waterfalls the following weekend, which I accepted. We had a great day, I was psyched to drive his absolutely fabulous sports car, and I dare say that both of us enjoyed the day and each other’s company. The confusing thing, however, was that I kept having the impression that he wanted to grab and kiss me a couple of times, but didn’t, which was odd, but what to say, maybe he was shy? It did occur to me that I should maybe just take over and kiss him, but something held me back because I had trouble ‘reading’ the guy. He kept paying me compliments, but I still couldn’t decipher him.

After our weekend trip, our communication boiled down to text messaging. Excessive text messaging. He simply loved to write messages, mostly with sexual content, which I found quite lame after a while because I’m more of a ‘hands-on’ person than a theoretician, especially since he was practically my neighbor, so why tell me your sexual fantasies via text messages if you can just visit your neighbor and live them out? Well, some at least. His behavior was strange, why would someone openly flirt like that without even trying to kiss me? Maybe he had issues? Size issues? Sexual issues? Disease issues??? At one point I even asked him whether he actually liked me, to which he replied asking how someone this smart and beautiful could ask such stupid questions. Hello? What kind of answer is that? I soon got bored by his Neanderthal approach and the failed communication attempts and cut all communication.

After about 1.5 years without a word from him, after I had already forgotten about him, I suddenly received a message from him on the social networking site where we had met initially. He wrote that he hoped I wasn’t upset any longer and that he would like to see me again, that he could explain his behavior in the past and that we should go out for dinner, to a restaurant of my choice, regardless of the price range, he’d cover the bill. An odd statement, wouldn’t you say? Where I come from, it’s self-understood that you pick up the bill when you invite a woman to dinner, so why point it out? It started making sense later on though.

I answered by first setting him straight and telling him that I had never been upset, merely annoyed, and there’s a big difference between the two, if you ask me. Then I agreed to meet him for dinner. He replied that what had happened in the past didn’t matter, all that mattered now was that we had gotten in touch again and that I pick up my present in April. Present?!? My birthday is in April, so I assumed he was referring to that, and of course I love presents, who doesn’t, but this odd approach must be some sort of Austrian rite to try to charm a woman…

We went out for dinner and his explanation went as follows: When he contacted me the very first time, he was going through a rough time because of an affair he had had with a subordinate of his and he didn’t want to involve me in the whole mess. Why contact me in the first place if you are in such a mess? Because he wanted something new to help him get over the other mess. Very flattering.

He also told me how he had tried to find me a couple of times over the past 1.5 years, how he had come to the address where he had picked me up the last time, but my name was not at the door (which is true), how he had googled me to find my phone number (which he had lost mysteriously), and how he had seen me in our neighborhood one day, loaded with shopping bags. When I asked why he hadn’t stopped to say hi or to help me with the bags at least, he said that he hadn’t been sure it was me. So what did the Austrian do in this situation? Even though he had left above-mentioned social networking site in the meantime, he signed up again to contact me. Aaaaaaw, how very romantic, isn’t it? I nevertheless gave him credit for his attempts, if he ever really undertook them. And of course the bottle of wine we consumed in record time during our reunion dinner helped us relax and it brought back the mutual liking we had experienced the last time we had spent time together.