Robert Wells - Elvis - The Siege of Graceland and Other Stories

“Very good, sir. And what about Liberace and James Brown? What should we do with them?”

“Well they are not Elvis are they, Sergeant? We’ll leave them here. They can look after the dog.”

And so the convoy, with 15 Elvises sitting on benches in an armoured personnel carrier, sets off for Fort Benedict Arnold, followed by the media caravan of TV outside broadcast trucks and cars and taxis carrying journalists and photographers.

Walter Cronkite is telling viewers, “I can assure you that I am not making this up. This is really happening here in Memphis. Elvis Presley must be the most famous and easily recognisable person in the world. But the military police here at the siege of Graceland have arrested and are taking away 15 people claiming to be Elvis because they didn’t know which is the real one.” The camera pans from Walter Cronkite to show 15 weird-looking Elvises sitting in the back of the personnel carrier. “Folks are saying that this could be the biggest military blunder since Napoleon set off for Moscow,” Walter Cronkite continues.

The Captain decides that what they need – and quick – is an identity parade to end all the ‘I am Elvis’ nonsense. So he decides to send for George Klein, the Memphis disc jockey, to be brought to the army camp to pick out the real Elvis. He has been a close friend since they were at high school together, and if anyone knows who Elvis is, it’s George. But as he walks along the line of 15 Elvises standing against the wall, he notes the sly wink from Colonel Parker. He walks back along the line, stopping to look carefully at each one in turn, and all the while fighting hard to stop himself from laughing. After a lot of rubbing his chin and shaking his head, he admits, “I don’t know. They could all be Elvis.”

Captain Ludendorf is incredulous. ‘”How on earth do you make that out? Some of them are women. At the very least how can they be Elvis?”

George shrugs his shoulders and tells him, “I haven’t seen Elvis for a couple of months and, you know, people can change.”

The Captain, who can hear sniggers from some of the Elvises in the line-up, could weep with frustration.

As a result of a tip-off, the terrible truth dawns on Captain Ludendorf and the military police: they have taken 15 Elvises into custody – in an event that is being broadcast and published across virtually every TV station and newspaper around the world – and not one of them is the real Elvis. In fact, the truth is that they have left him behind at Graceland, dressed as Liberace, the two of them having swapped outfits.

Captain Ludendorf is told he is wanted on the phone in his office and that it is urgent.

“Is that Private Ludendorf?” says a voice.

“No, this is Captain Ludendorf.”

“No, I was right the first time Private. This is the Commander in Chief, President Nixon. I’ve been watching all this from the Oval Office. You have made the armed forces a laughing stock. Millions are watching and they have not laughed so much at the army since Sergeant Bilko was the top-rated show on TV. Even I couldn’t stop myself laughing at times and I’m the Commander in Chief.”

Earlier President Nixon and his team of advisors had to suspend work on a draft finance bill, as well as postpone a meeting with the Secretary General of the United Nations, in order to find a way out of the crisis developing over the arrest of Elvis. Or what has now transpired into a major military show of force to arrest the wrong Elvis. The wrinkles on the President’s face deepen and beads of sweat pop out on his brow as he pours himself a drink of scotch. An aide hurries into the Oval Office to report that Buckingham Palace has been on the line; The Queen of England is worried about Mr. Presley and will the President call her as soon as possible. “How in hell can this have happened?” asks the President emptying his glass.

“It’s a snafu, sir,” says an aide.

“How the hell did Elvis’s name come up anyway?” he asks and at a nod of his head, an aide refills his glass.

“Clearly, he wasn’t on any Reserve List. What a farce. But luckily, it’s nothing to do with me,” he says to his aides. “I’m as clean as a whistle on this one. As for this idiot Ludendorf… haven’t we got a weather station in the Artic Circle? I want him there on a five-year mission as soon as this thing is cleared up.”

“One last thing, Mr. President,” says an aide. “This could play very badly in the polls, I mean trying to arrest Elvis of all people – Mr. America himself. The voters might well see this as a monumental screw-up and we may have to do something big to be seen to be doing the right thing by Elvis. We’ve got to claw back credibility big time.”

Eventually, President Nixon and his aides manage to concoct a story involving a mix-up with names that they hope will work and will take the heat off of the situation. Private Ludendorf is ordered to return to Graceland to apologise to Elvis, his family, and entourage and then to hold a press conference at the Music Gates.

“The army and the military police want to apologise for what was a clerical error,” he tells the media. “We were acting on the information given to us but the person we should have actually detained was an Alvin Priestley and not Elvis Presley. Obviously, something must have gotten garbled in transmission. We are sorry but lessons have been learned and nothing like this will ever happen again. Meanwhile, the military police will ceaselessly continue to pursue and detain the said Alvin Priestley.”

Elvis is in the Jungle Room watching a ball game and working his way through a giant bucket of popcorn when a phone call comes through from President Nixon in the Oval Office.

“Elvis, as Commander in Chief, I sincerely want to apologise for the monumental blunder that resulted in the military police arriving at your home to arrest you. There was a clerical error over the name but I have personally intervened to ensure that it can never happen again,” he reads with as much sincerity as he can muster from the script prepared by an aide.

“Huh huh,” replies Elvis, who continues to watch the game and toss the occasional piece of popcorn at the TV screen at a particularly clumsy play.

“In recognition of your immense contribution to the American Way of Life, I am promoting you to Honorary FBI Agent At Large (First Class) which comes with a special gold plated badge.”

Now he has Elvis’s full attention. “Excuse me, Mr. President, sir, I really do appreciate that, but does this mean I’ll be getting a bigger gun to help me in my duties?”

Sweat immediately breaks out on President Nixon’s brow and he looks around in panic at his aides because this is not in the script. He motions for one of them to get him a scotch, while another aide, quicker thinking than the others, leans forward to whisper in his ear. The President listens and nods his head.

“Yes Elvis, Smith & Wesson will be specially commissioned to produce a pair of handguns more powerful than anything else in their range. Hopefully, you’ll be able to feature them in your new movie. As Commander in Chief, I have authorised the army to provide all the assistance that you and your producers need in terms of military personnel and equipment, both here in the United States and in Berlin. Of course, I’ll be there for the premiere with my wife.”

Elvis thanks him on behalf of Colonel Parker and Hal Wallis and explains that the movie will be a sequel to ‘GI Blues’. Has he seen that movie?

There is a look of terror on President Nixon’s face as he looks down and realises his script doesn’t deal with the conversation taking such a turn as this. What does he say? He mops the sweat from his brow and takes a fortifying drink while an aide whispers in his ear.