Деймон Раньон - «Тобиас Ужасный» и другие рассказы

I sneak down into the courtroom the day Tobias is charged of violation of the law against carrying rods, and the courtroom is packed with citizens eager to see a desperate character. Among these citizens are many pretty dolls, pulling and hauling for position, and some of these dolls are by no means crows. Many photographers are hanging around to take pictures of Twelve–Gun Tweeney as he is led in handcuffed to gendarmes on either side of him, and with other gendarmes in front and behind him.

But one and all are greatly surprised and somewhat disappointed when they see what a little squirt Tobias is, and Judge Rascover looks down at him once, and then puts on his specs and takes another gander as if he does not believe what he sees in the first place. Then he speaks to Lieutenant Harrigan as follows:

"Do you mean to tell this court," Judge Rascover says, "that this half–portion here is the desperate Twelve–Gun Tweeney?"

Well, Lieutenant Harrigan says there is no doubt whatever about it, and Judge Rascover wishes to know how Tobias carries all these rods, and whereaboutsю. Lieutenant Harrigan collects twelve rods from the gendarmes around the courtroom, and starts in putting the guns here and there on Tobias as near as he can remember where they are found on him in the first place, with Tobias giving him a little friendly assistance.

Lieutenant Harrigan puts two guns in each of the side pockets of Tobias's coat, one in each hip pocket, one in the waistband of Tobias's pants, one in each side pocket of the pants, one up each of Tobias's sleeves and one in the inside pocket of Tobias's coat. Then Judge Rascover speaks to Tobias as follows:

"Step closer to the bench," Judge Rascover says. "I wish to see for myself just what kind of a villainyou are."

Well, Tobias takes a step forward, and over he goes on his snoot, the little guy is naturally top–heavy from the rods.

Now there is much confusion as he falls and a young doll who seems to be fatter than somewhat comes shoving through the crowd in the courtroom yelling and crying, and though the gendarmes try to stop her she gets to Tobias and kneels at his side, and speaks as follows:

"Toby, darling," she says, "it is nobody but Deborah who loves you dearly, and who always knows you will turn out to be the greatest gunman of them all. Look at me, Toby," she says, "and tell me you love me, too. We never realize what a hero you are until we get the New York papers in Erasmus last night, and I hurry to you as quickly as possible. Kiss me, Toby"

Tobias raises up on one elbow and does same, and it makes a very pleasing scene, indeed, although the gendarmestry to pull them apart.

Now Judge Rascover is watching all this business through his specs, and Judge Rascover is no sucker, but a pretty slick old codger for a judge, and he can see that there is something wrong somewhere about Tobias Tweeney being a character as desperate as the gendarmes make him out.

So when the gendarmes pick the fat young doll off of Tobias and take a few pounds of rods off of Tobias, too, so he is finally able to get back on his pins and stand there, Judge Rascover adjourns court, and takes Tobias into his private room and has a talk with him, and the chances are Tobias tells him the truth, for the next thing anybody knows Tobias is walking away as free as the little birdies in the trees, except that he has the fat young doll clinging to him like a porous plaster.

Well, this is about all there is to the story, except that there is afterward plenty of heat between the parties who are present in Good Time Charley's joint when Tobias is collared, because it seems that the meeting they all attend before going to Charley's is supposed to be a peace meeting and nobody is supposed to carry any rods to this meeting just to prove their confidence in each other, so it comes out that nobody has any confidence in anybody else at the meeting.

I never hear of Tobias Tweeney but once after all this, and it is some months afterward when Joey Uptown and Little Mitzi are over in Pennsylvania near the town that is called Erasmus, they decide it will be a nice thing to drop in on Tobias Tweeney and see how he is getting along.

Well, it seems Tobias is all married up to Miss Deborah Weems, and is getting along first class, as it seems the town elects him constable, because it feels that a guy with such a desperate reputation as Tobias Tweeney's is bound to make wrongdoers keep away from Erasmus if he is an officer of the law, and Tobias's first official act is to chase Joe Trivett out of town.

СЛОВАРИК

entries for the next dayсписок участников скачек или бегов

a tough day at the track здесь неудачный день на скачках (с большим проигрышем)

a dime's worth of liver здесь совсем тощий ( дословно: весом не более куска печени на десять центов)

to cry something out of a lamppost здесь бесполезно ( дословно: выплакать у фонарного столба

pally здесь приятель, паренёк

more than somewhat здесь очень сильно, интенсивно

daffy здесь сумасшедший, безумный

snootнос

nine to nought здесь девять к нулю

underworld здесь мир гангстеров

a tough joint здесь место, где собираются гангстеры

to steer a little trade his way здесь направить человека с деньгами в его бар

a quiet gander здесь осторожно смотрит через «глазок»

Someone must tip him off здесь кто–то ему «стуканул»; кто–то слил ему информацию

villainзлодей

gendarmes здесь полицейские

ВОПРОСЫ И ЗАДАНИЯ

How does the story begin?

What was interesting about Tobias?

What was Tobias’ story?

Where did the story teller and Tobias go?

What happened at that place?

How does the story end?

(5571 words)

One evening about seven o'clock I am sitting in Mindy's restaurant putting on the gefillte fish, which is a dish I am very fond of, when in come three parties from Brooklyn wearing caps as follows: Harry the Horse, Little Isadore and Spanish John.

Now these parties are not such parties as I will care to have much truck with, because I often hear rumors about them that are very discreditable, even if the rumors are not true. In fact, I hear that many citizens of Brooklyn will be very glad indeed to see Harry the Horse, Little Isadore and Spanish John move away from there, as they are always doing something that is considered a knock to the community, such as robbing people, or maybe shooting or stabbing them, and throwing pineapples, and carrying on generally.

I am really much surprised to see these partieson Broadway, as it is well known that the Broadway coppersjust naturally love to shove such parties around, but there they are in Mindy's, and there I am, so of course I give them a very large hello, as I never wish to seem inhospitable, even to Brooklyn parties. Right away they come over to my table and sit down, and Little Isadore reaches out and spears himself a big hunk of my gefillte fish with his fingers, but I overlook this, as I am using the only knife on the table.