Lemony Snicket - The Bad Beginning

But of course, everything was not all right. Everything was all wrong. As the first light of morning trickled into the tower room, Violet reflected on all the awful things she and her siblings had experienced recently. Their parents had died, suddenly and horribly. Mrs. Poe had bought them ugly clothing. They had moved into Count Olaf's house and were treated terribly. Mr. Poe had refused to help them. They had discovered a fiendish plot involving marrying Violet and stealing the Baudelaire fortune. Klaus had tried to confront Olaf with knowledge he'd learned in Justice Strauss's library and failed. Poor Sunny had been captured. And now, Violet had tried to rescue Sunny and found herself captured as well. All in all, the Baudelaire orphans had encountered catastrophe after catastrophe, and Violet found their situation lamentably deplorable, a phrase which here means ``it was not at all enjoyable.'' The sound of footsteps coming up the stairs brought Violet out of her thoughts, and soon the hook-handed man opened the door and thrust a very tired, confused, and scared Klaus into the room.

``Here's the last orphan,'' the hook-handed man said. ``And now, I must go help Count Olaf with final preparations for tonight's performance. No monkey business, you two, or I will have to tie you up and let you dangle out of the window as well.'' Glaring at them, he locked the door again and tromped downstairs.

Klaus blinked and looked around the filthy room. He was still in his pajamas. ``What has happened?'' he asked Violet. ``Why are we up here?''

``I tried to rescue Sunny,'' Violet said, ``using an invention of mine to climb up the tower.''

Klaus went over to the window and looked down at the ground. ``It's so high up,'' he said. ``You must have been terrified.''

``It was very scary,'' she admitted, ``but not as scary as the thought of marrying Count Olaf.''

``I'm sorry your invention didn't work,'' Klaus said sadly.

``The invention worked fine,'' Violet said, rubbing her sore shoulder. ``I just got caught. And now we're doomed. The hook-handed man said he'd keep us here until tonight, and then it's The Marvelous Marriage .''

``Do you think you could invent something that would help us escape?'' Klaus asked, looking around the room.

``Maybe,'' Violet said. ``And why don't you go through those books and papers? Perhaps there's some information that could be of use.''

For the next few hours, Violet and Klaus searched the room and their own minds for anything that might help them. Violet looked for objects with which she could invent something. Klaus read through Count Olaf's papers and books. From time to time, they would go over to Sunny and smile at her, and pat her head, to reassure her. Occasionally, Violet and Klaus would speak to each other, but mostly they were silent, lost in their own thoughts.

``If we had any kerosene,'' Violet said, around noon, ``I could make Molotov cocktails with these bottles.''

``What are Molotov cocktails?'' Klaus asked.

``They're small bombs made inside bottles,'' Violet explained. ``We could throw them out the window and attract the attention of passersby.''

``But we don't have any kerosene,'' Klaus said mournfully.

They were silent for several hours.

``If we were polygamists,'' Klaus said, ``Count Olaf's marriage plan wouldn't work.''

``What are polygamists?'' Violet asked.

``Polygamists are people who marry more than one person,'' Klaus explained. ``In this community, polygamists are breaking the law, even if they have married in the presence of a judge, with the statement of ``I do'' and the signed document in their own hand. I read it here in Nuptial Law .''

``But we're not polygamists,'' Violet said mournfully.

They were silent for several more hours.

``We could break these bottles in half,'' Violet said, ``and use them as knives, but I'm afraid that Count Olaf's troupe would overpower us.''

``You could say ``I don't'' instead of ``I do,'' '' Klaus said, ``but I'm afraid Count Olaf would order Sunny dropped off the tower.''

``I certainly would,'' Count Olaf said, and the children jumped. They had been so involved in their conversation that they hadn't heard him come up the stairs and open the door. He was wearing a fancy suit and his eyebrow had been waxed so it looked as shiny as his eyes. Behind him stood the hook-handed man, who smiled and waved a hook at the youngsters. ``Come, orphans,'' Count Olaf said. ``It is time for the big event. My associate here will stay behind in this room, and we will keep in constant contact through our walkie-talkies. If anything goes wrong during tonight's performance, your sister will be dropped to her death. Come along now.''

Violet and Klaus looked at each other, and then at Sunny, still dangling in her cage, and followed Count Olaf out the door. As Klaus walked down the tower stairs, he felt a heavy sinking in his heart as all hope left him. There truly seemed to be no way out of their predicament. Violet was feeling the same way, until she reached out with her right hand to grasp the banister, for balance. She looked at her right hand for a second, and began to think. All the way down the stairs, and out the door, and the short walk down the block to the theater, Violet thought and thought and thought, harder than she had in her entire life.

As Violet and Klaus Baudelaire stood, still in their nightgown and pajamas, backstage at Count Olaf's theater, they were of two minds, a phrase which here means ``they felt two different ways at the same time.'' On one hand, they were of course filled with dread. From the murmur of voices they heard on the stage, the two Baudelaire orphans could tell that the performance of The Marvelous Marriage had begun, and it seemed too late to do anything to foil Count Olaf's plan. On the other hand, however, they were fascinated, as they had never been backstage at a theatrical production and there was so much to see. Members of Count Olaf's theater troupe hurried this way and that, too busy to even glance at the children. Three very short men were carrying a large flat piece of wood, painted to look like a living room. The two white-faced women were arranging flowers in a vase that from far away appeared to be marble, but close up looked more like cardboard. An important-looking man with warts all over his face was adjusting enormous light fixtures. As the children peeked onstage, they could see Count Olaf, in his fancy suit, declaiming some lines from the play, just as the curtain came down, controlled by a woman with very short hair who was pulling on a long rope, attached to a pulley. Despite their fear, you see, the two older Baudelaires were very interested in what was going on, and only wished that they were not involved in any way.

As the curtain fell, Count Olaf strode offstage and looked at the children. ``It's the end of Act Two! Why aren't the orphans in their costumes?'' he hissed to the two white-faced women. Then, as the audience broke into applause, his angry expression turned to one of joy, and he walked back onstage. Gesturing to the short-haired woman to raise the curtain he strode to the exact center of the stage and took elaborate bows as the curtain came up. He waved and blew kisses to the audience as the curtain came down again, and then his face once again filled with anger. ``Intermission is only ten minutes,'' he said, ``and then the children must perform. Get them into costumes, quickly!''

Without a word the two white-faced women grabbed Violet and Klaus by the wrists and led them into a dressing room. The room was dusty but shiny, covered in mirrors and tiny lights so the actors could see better to put on their makeup and wigs, and there were people calling out to one another and laughing as they changed their clothes. One white-faced woman yanked Violet's arms up and pulled her nightgown off over her head, and thrust a dirty, lacy white dress at her to put on. Klaus, meanwhile, had his pajamas removed by the other white-faced woman, and was hurriedly stuffed into a blue sailor suit that itched and made him look like a toddler.