Бернард Корнуэлл: Sharpe's Enemy

Sharpe grinned. 'Yes, sir.

'And the Peer, Sharpe, likes to chase foxes. Thus are the rest of us consigned to the eternal torments of this bloody place. Sit down, man!

'Yes, sir.

'And stop saying ‘yes, sir’, ‘no, sir’ like a bloody bumlicker.

'Yes, sir. Sharpe sat in the chair opposite Major General Nairn. The Scotsman had huge grey eyebrows that seemed to be trying to grow upwards to meet his shock of grey hair. The face was good and strong, shrewd-eyed and humorous, spoilt only by his cold-reddened nose. Nairn returned the gaze, looking Sharpe up and down from the French cavalry boots to the Rifleman's black hair, then he twisted round in the armchair.

'Chatsworth! You scum! You varlet! Chatsworth! Heel! You hear me? Heel!

An orderly appeared who grinned happily at Nairn. 'Sir?’

’Tea, Chatsworth, tea! Bring me strong tea! Something that will rekindle my military ardour. And kindly try to bring it before the New Year.

'I've already wet it, sir. Something to eat, sir?

'Eat? I've got a cold, Chatsworth. I'm nigh unto death and you blather at me about eating! What have you got?

'I've some ham, sir, that you liked. Mustard. Bread and fresh butter? Chatsworth was solicitous, obviously liking Nairn.

'Ah, ham! Bring us ham, Chatsworth, ham and mustard, with your bread and butter. Did you steal the toasting fork from this mess, Chatsworth?

'No, sir.

'Then find which of your thieving comrades did take it, have them flogged, then bring the fork to me!

'Yes, sir. Chatsworth grinned as he left the room.

Nairn smiled at Sharpe. 'I'm a harmless old man, Sharpe, left in charge of this bloody madhouse while the Peer gallivants round half of the bloody Peninsula. I am supposed, God help me, to be running this Headquarters. Me! If I had time, Sharpe, I suppose I could lead the troops on a winter campaign! I could inscribe my name in glory, but I don't have bloody time! Look at this! He picked a paper from the pile beside him. 'A letter, Sharpe, from the Chaplain General. The Chaplain General, no less! Do you know that he is in receipt of a salary of five hundred and sixty-five pounds a year, Sharpe, and in addition is named advisor on the establishment of semaphore stations for which nonsensical bloody job he receives a further six hundred pounds! Can you believe that? And what does God's vicar to His Majesty's Army do with his well-paid time? He writes to me thus! Nairn held the letter in front of his face. ‘I require of you to report on the containment of Methodism within the Army.’ Good God Almighty, Sharpe! What's a man to do with such a letter?

Sharpe smiled. 'I wouldn't know, sir.

'I do, Sharpe, I do. That's why I'm a Major General. Nairn leaned forward and threw the letter onto the fire. 'That's what you do with letters like that. Nairn chuckled happily as the paper caught fire and flared brightly. 'You want to know why you're here, don't you?

'Yes, sir.

'You are here, Sharpe, because the Prince of Wales has gone mad. Just like his Father, poor man, stark staring raving mad. Nairn leaned back and nodded triumphantly at Sharpe. The letter shrivelled to a black wisp on the logs as Nairn waited for a reaction. 'Good God, Sharpe! You're supposed to say something! God bless the Prince of Wales would do at a pinch, but you sit there as though the news means nothing. Comes of being a hero, I suppose, always keeping a straight face. Stern business is it? Being a hero?

'Yes, sir. Sharpe was grinning broadly.

The door opened and Chatsworth edged in with a heavy wooden tray that he put on the floor in front of the fire. 'Bread and ham, sir, mustard in the small pot. Tea's well brewed, sir, and I beg to report that the toasting fork was in your room, sir. Here it is, sir.

'You're a rogue and a scoundrel, Chatsworth. You'll be accusing me of burning correspondence from the Chaplain General next.

'Yes, sir. Chatsworth grinned contentedly.

'Are you a Methodist, Chatsworth?

'No, sir. Don't rightly know what a Methodist is, sir.

'You are fortunate indeed. Nairn was fixing a slice of bread to the toasting fork. A Lieutenant appeared at the open door behind him, knocked hesitantly to attract attention. 'General Nairn, sir?

'Major General Nairn is in Madrid! Negotiating a surrender to the French! Nairn pushed the bread close to the logs, wrapping his hand in his handkerchief to keep the scorching heat away.

The Lieutenant did not smile. He hovered at the door. 'Colonel Greave's compliments, sir, and what's he to do with the iron brackets for the pontoons?

Nairn rolled his eyes to the yellowed ceiling. 'Who is in charge of the pontoons, Lieutenant?

'The Engineers, sir.

'And who, pray, is in charge of our gallant Engineers?

'Colonel Fletcher, sir.

'So what do you tell our good Colonel Greave?

'I see, sir. Yes, sir. The Lieutenant paused. 'To ask Colonel Fletcher, sir?

'You are a General in the making, Lieutenant. Go and do that thing, and should the Washerwoman General want to see me, tell her I am a married man and cannot accede to her importunings.

The Lieutenant left and Nairn glared at the orderly. 'Take that grin off your face, Private Chatsworth! The Prince of Wales has gone mad and all you can do is grin!

'Yes, sir. Is that all, sir?

'It is, Chatsworth, and I thank you. Go now, and close the door silently.

Nairn waited till the door was shut. He turned the bread on the fork. 'You're not a fool are you, Sharpe?

'No, sir.

'Thank God for that. It's possible that the Prince of Wales does have a touch of his Father's madness. He's interfering in the army, and the Peer's damned annoyed. Nairn paused, holding the bread dangerously close to the flames. Sharpe said nothing, but he knew that the Peer's annoyance and the Prince of Wales' interference had something to do with the sudden summons north. Nairn glanced at Sharpe from beneath the bushy eyebrows. 'Have you heard of Congreve?

'The rocket man?

'That's the one. Sir William Congreve who has the patronage of Prinny and is the begetter of a system of rocket artillery. Smoke came from the bread and Nairn snatched it towards him. 'At a time, Sharpe, when we need cavalry, artillery, and infantry, what are we sent? Rockets! A troop of Rocket Cavalry! And all because Prinny, with a touch of his father's madness, thinks they'll win the war. Here. He held the toasting fork to Sharpe then proceeded to lavish butter on his blackened slice. 'Tea?

'I'm sorry, sir. Sharpe should have poured. He filled two cups while Nairn dressed his toast with a massive chunk of ham liberally smeared with mustard. Nairn sipped the tea and sighed.

'Chatsworth makes a cup of tea fit for heaven. He'll make some woman a lovely wife one day. He watched Sharpe toast a slice of bread. 'Rockets, Sharpe. We have in town one troop of Rocket Cavalry and we are ordered by the Horse Guards to give this rocket troop a fair and searching test. He grinned. 'Don't you like it blacker than that?

'No, sir. Sharpe liked his toast pale. He turned the bread.

‘I like it smoking like the bloody pit. Nairn paused while he ate a huge mouthful of ham. 'What we have to do, Sharpe, is test these bloody rockets and when we find they don't work we send them back to England and keep all their horses which we can put to good use. Understand?’

’Yes, sir.

'Good! Because you've got the job. You will take command of Captain Gilliland and his infernal machines and you will practice him as if he were in battle. That's what your orders say. What I say, and what the Peer would say if he were here, is that you've got to test him so bloody hard that he slinks back to England with a grain of sense in his head.’

’You want the rockets to fail, sir? Sharpe buttered his bread.

'I don't want them to fail, Sharpe. I'd be delighted if they worked, but they won't. We had a few a couple of years back and they're as flighty as a bitch in heat, but Prinny thinks he knows best. You are to test them, and you are also to practice Captain Gilliland in the manoeuvres of war. In plain words, Sharpe, you've to teach him how to co-operate with infantry on the grounds that infantry, if he were ever to go into battle, would have to protect him from the troops of the Proud Tyrant. Nairn wolfed another bite of ham. 'Personally speaking, his voice was muffled, 'I'd be delighted if Boney got him and his bloody rockets, but we've got to show willing.