Allan Massie - Nero_s Heirs

'I don't know,' I said. 'Soldiers can be very sentimental, I'm told. That might be the only thing that could save him, and he's such an actor he might even pull it off. But I can't suppose he would have any chance of getting to Gaul.'

'Poor Nero,' Domatilla said again. 'I do feel sorry for him. I know he's done terrible things, but all the same… I hate to see people humiliated.'

I think it was that night that, walking through the city, I came on one of Nero's statues, with a note attached to it, written in Greek: 'This time it's a real contest, Nero, and one you can't fix but are going to lose.' Nobody knew what was happening. Some Senators began to regret their rashness when it was reported that Nero was calling on the common people to rise and arm themselves in his defence. Then, at the baths, one of my admirers – but I forget which – assured me that this was nonsense or, if it wasn't nonsense, the next best thing, since no recruits had presented themselves. 'Die for Nero? Not bloody likely. That's the popular opinion,' he said. 'Actually, I do know that Nero was preparing yesterday to go to Gaul, but his first concern was to find wagons to carry his stage-equipment, and then to arrange for his concubines to have their hair cut in a boyish style and be issued with shields and weapons such as the Amazons used. The man has taken leave of what senses he still retained. He's living in a dream world.' No doubt, I thought, but it may still turn to nightmare for the rest of us; and I hurried home to make sure that all was well there and my mother safe. I had already begged her not to leave the house till things were more settled. Though I couldn't imagine that anyone would harm her of choice, accidents will happen, especially when someone like Nero is at his wits' end, and the mob is excited beyond measure – as it might be at any moment.

Was it that evening or one a few days later that, shortly after I had retired to bed, where I lay sleepless, listening to the ever-changing sounds of the night city that refused to surrender to silence, I heard a scratching at the outer door of our apartment? It was a gentle noise, calculated, as I supposed, to alarm nobody. Yet its persistence suggested anxiety, even fear. I rose, put on a dressing-gown and, picking up the cudgel which we kept in a stand by the door, listened to the renewed scratching. 'Please help,' came a thin high voice. 'Please let me in.'

I did not recognise the young man who stumbled through the door, falling against me. I pushed him off, and he swayed, and would have fainted (as I supposed) had I not taken him by the shoulder and guided him to a stool by the table. He sat for a moment with his back to the wall, his legs quivering. His face was streaked with dirt and tears and what might have been blood, and his tunic was torn. Then he uttered a deep sob and buried his face in his hands so that I could not see his features but only the tangle of black curls now presented to me.

My mother, aroused by the sounds, joined us from her chamber. She took one look at the young man, who had, with a start of terror, lifted his head. 'Sporus?' she said. 'So the Emperor is dead?'

'At my hand,' he said. 'Perhaps. In part. I don't know. I hope not. It was terrible.'

My mother told me to fetch wine, while she busied herself heating up what remained of the broth we had had for our supper. Sporus gulped down the first cup of Marino wine as a parched traveller drinks water from a well, and held out his cup for more. I sipped mine and watched him. His hand still shook, and every now and then, though he must have known he was for the time being safe, he darted anxious looks at the door. 'Were you followed here?' I asked.

He shook his head, but there was no certainty, only hope, in the gesture.

'Let the boy be,' my mother said. 'Give him time. He's worn out, and no wonder. He'll tell what he has to tell when he has some food and drink in him.'

She placed bread on the table, and then soup. Sporus hesitated, as if the thought of sustenance disgusted him. 'Eat,' my mother said, 'then drink more wine.' At last he was ready.

This is his account. I assure you it is authentic. I wrote down his story when he had finished speaking and fallen asleep. I have kept the document with me throughout the upheavals of life. You know yourself, Tacitus, that I have ever been an orderly man, and one who sets great store on documentary evidence.

He told the story haltingly, with false starts and changes of direction. I've tried to capture the way he gave it to us, but I admit I've tidied it up a bit. After all, it went on till dawn's pink fingers were touching the sky.

So he said: 'He was lost. I think he has been losing himself for a long time, and now he had lost the world. He knew that, but he wouldn't confront the reality. So his plans changed all the time, and he couldn't give his mind to them because his mind recoiled. Once he even interrupted a meeting of the loyal advisers who remained to him because one of Phaon's slave-girls, a virgin, ten or eleven, had caught his eye, and he had to have her without delay. It let him suppose things weren't as they were. Another time, when he was dictating a letter he was going to send to the Senate, a letter in very high and serious tones, he had me – I'm sorry, milady, but I have to try to tell it as it was, for my own sake, though I don't know why – he had me masturbate him as he dictated. When he got hard… no, I'm sorry, I won't go on, I can see it disgusts you. But that's the life I've been compelled to live for years, you know, ever since… let's just say, ever since he first caught sight of me. And yet, can you believe it, I was fond of him, he could be charming and… no, let it pass…

'This was when we were in Phaon's villa. That's four miles out of town, between the Nomentana and the Salaria. Phaon was one of his freedmen, you won't know him. We had come to Rome the day before, nobody knew that because we'd slipped in by night and nobody recognised him as we hurried to the palace. He'd a cloak over his face. I think that's when I knew it was all over, and the only questions remaining were how and when. I mean, that the Emperor didn't dare show his face in Rome, it was unthinkable. That night he had a new plan. He was going to appear on the rostra and beg the people's mercy – ask for pardon for all he'd done that had displeased them. It might have worked. That's what I thought then anyway. Whatever people say he was a good actor, nobody could play a part like him. I've never known anyone who could sound more sincere, when he chose, and you had to know him as well as I came to do to realise that when he was most humble and contrite he was laughing at the fools he deceived. I've heard that he could always convince even Seneca of his sincerity, and everyone says Seneca was one of the wisest of men. Till near the end he could convince Seneca, they say. Now he was so excited by the idea that he even dictated the speech he would make. He said, just before we went to sleep, "You never know, they might agree to make me Prefect of Egypt, even if they won't let me remain Emperor. We could have a marvellous time in Egypt, it's a remarkable country."

'I think that was the last real hope he had. He'd been drinking, of course. We all had. When annihilation stares you in the face, it's natural to turn to wine, isn't it?

'It was different in the morning. He woke before it was light, and discovered that his bodyguard had deserted him. They'd just slipped away. So had most of his friends. There were only half a dozen of us remaining. Imagine that, half a dozen in that vast palace, the corridors and all the dormitories empty. And still it wasn't light. That's when he first talked of killing himself. It's when I was first really frightened, too. He called for Spiculus to despatch him. That was one of his freedmen, a gladiator who had caught his fancy, a great brute of a German. But Spiculus had run away. That was when Phaon suggested we returned to his villa. Nero agreed. "I need only some quiet place where I can collect my thoughts," he said. So we found horses and set off. Cocks were crowing in the suburbs and the mist lay heavy, promising a fine day. Odd that that was what I thought of. We passed quite close to the Guards' camp, which made the Emperor tremble. But when his horse shied at a dead body lying in the road, and the scarf he had tied over the lower part of his face to disguise him fell away, he was recognised by a veteran who, astonished, still saluted him. Nero didn't return the salute. I think he hoped the man would think he was mistaken. When we approached the villa, Phaon, whose teeth were chattering either with the cold of the morning or with terror, suggested we should hide in a gravel pit till someone went ahead to see if the villa was still safe. But Nero wouldn't have that. "I won't go underground till I die," he muttered. He went on repeating the line as if it was the chorus of a song.