Nigel Tranter - The Wisest Fool

Nobody missed the Scots however, in the glitter and pageantry of the numerous European contingent-who fortunately had come at their own expense. Here were princes, dukes, electors, counts, grandees, cardinals, bishops, legates and generals, from the Empire, the United Provinces, Spain, France, the Vatican, Portugal, Denmark, Sweden, even Poland and Russia. Largely by means of James's tireless engineering, the Twelve Years Truce had been signed in February-and though this was basically between the Dutch United Provinces and Spain, most of the rest of the warring nations of Christendom were linked to one or other through alliances, marriages or mutual interests. James's objective of forming a noble confederacy of states, pledged to maintaining peace, had not eventuated, but at least here was a sort of conglomerate patchwork truce. Parallel with this he had at last managed to reconcile the Danes and the Dutch and the Danes and the Swedes, thus strengthening the Protestant interest without actually antagonising the Catholic states. To emphasise the fact he was proposing to betroth his daughter Elizabeth to the Protestant Elector Palatine and one of his sons to whichever of the Infantas of Spain King Philip selected-though naturally he would prefer the eldest It would have to be young Prince Charles, Duke of York, of course, since the Prince of Wales was hardly in a state to attract matrimonial gestures.

The first of the non-stop series of entertainments was already in progress, in the natural amphitheatre of a sunken garden, when the Heriots arrived. It took the form of a carnival of animals, the players dressed realistically in the skins or feathers of the various national beasts, supporters and emblems, or representations thereof, appertaining to the states of Christendom, decked with their national colours, all pacing and dancing and miming a succession of tableaux, these displaying the sequence of attitudes of the said realms, from challenge and outright war down to the present happy state of peace and amity. Much ingenuity had had to be evidenced, for there was a certain lack of variety amongst the nations' chosen beasts, eagles and lions, the kings of birds and beasts, tending to predominate-though some of the eagles were of the two-headed variety, and the lions were variously coloured. James himself, or at least his United Kingdom, naturally represented by the largest and noblest-looking lion, its coat gleaming with gold-dust; a nice touch, it remained throughout arm-in-arm with a pure white unicorn, upright and with a long silver horn. This symbolic parade and demonstration was to go on throughout the day, as reminder to all of what they were celebrating.

There was no sign of James himself, so the Heriots and escort, two Yeomen staggering under the weight of the heavy chest, had to go searching the far-flung gardens and pleasure-grounds and then the endless corridors, courtyards and galleries of the vast palace, before finally running the monarch to earth in a disused kitchen of the domestic wing. Here, with the Palatinate ambassador and the new Viscount Rochester, he was busy assembling an elaborate dolls' palace which the envoy had brought as a gift for the Princess Elizabeth from his royal master, the Elector Frederick Henry-and which had come packed in sections and pieces, complete with furnishings, even to miniature pictures, hangings, carpets and tapestries. James was wholly engrossed in this intriguing task, despite the agitation of sundry officials and notables outside. He welcomed Heriot, but showed little interest meantime in what he called his last o' gewgaws'; but insisted that Geordie and his bit lassie, who were sure to have nimble fingers, should come and help with the task of assembly. It seemed that the tapestries were particularly ticklish to hang and the King's fingers blunt. The envoy from Cleves, who had tailed along with them, exclaiming at all, found himself saddled with a stable plus many model horses and coaches and ordered to sort it all out, Carr the while being catechised on the Latin names for all the items represented and alternatively slapped and kissed as a consequence of success or failure.

This prolonged and fiddlesome process appeared as though it might well occupy the Crown for much of the day and Heriot took his turn in seeking tactfully to remind Majesty that many illustrious visitors and deputations were waiting, to say nothing of the full and elaborate programme of events devised for the occasion. James tutted all such interpretations away, with the sage counsel that one thing at a time was recommended policy; and Carr, laughing lazily, added that all would wait very nicely, since by God, it must.

For how long the Palatinate dolls' house would actually have detained them, there was no knowing. But in time James's old favourite from Scottish days, James Hay, Viscount Doncaster, turned up in a sort of jocular bad temper, to declare that either Majesty came forthwith to the great dining hall to partake, or all the notable provision he had assembled-at the cost of three manors no less-would be taken to the stables and thrown to the pigs, since that would be all it was fit for. This ultimatum coming at a moment when James had slightly cut his finger with the tiny glass pane of a window-frame, to the effusion of alarming blood, had its effect and a move was made, jewel chest, escort and all.

Doncaster had some reason and right to be thus firm. The King had devised a highly satisfactory arrangement whereby the cost of large and complex entertainments should not always fall entirely upon his own shamefully meagre Treasury. A relay of wealthy individuals were given the privilege of providing the banquets, the entertainers, the masques and scenery and so on- and moreover encouraged to be competitive about it Hay, although he had come south as poor as a church mouse, being only a younger son, had recently married his second rich wife, this one enormously rich, and was to be created Earl of Carlisle. Today the catering was his responsibility.

On arrival at one of the many great dining halls, the newcomers, heralded at last by a trumpet fanfare, found the Queen, Prince Charles and Princess Elizabeth awaiting them, the former in no genial mood and the place packed with hungry guests, all separated from the groaning tables by a solid line of liveried servitors, cooks and scullions, in the red and white Hay colours. The King beamed on all-as well he might, for it was a most noble company, with a most noble spread laid before them. Hay had done them proud. From the dais at the top end of the great chamber, the royal party-which, purely by chance, included the Heriots, the hairless man from Cleves, the Yeomen of the Guard with chest and sundry other nonentities-could look down on a bewildering array of fare, delicacies, comestibles, viands, savouries, confections and dainties on tables stretching from one end of the hall to the other, piled high as a man could reach, on splendid plate, stands, epergnes, salver-frames and silver wiskets. There were the favoured dishes from every realm and country represented at the gathering, besides as many from stranger lands farther afield, the Indies, Barbary, Arabia, the Caliphate, even from frozen Iceland, meats and sweets formed in the lively shapes and colourings of the animals, birds, fish and vegetables from which they were concocted, cauldrons and puncheons of rare wines and spirits, some actually contrived to be on fire with blue licking flames, a half-sized cow squirting thick cream from its udder and other conceits too numerous to mention.

The King nodded approvingly, "Aye, Jamie Hay-a right comforting provide," he commended. 'Your new Viscountess maun hae mair than just double-chins and a noble bum. Yon looks right tasty. Eh, Annie? It's maybe worth having yon Cardinal-man to say a grace ower this lot, I'm thinking. Where is he?"

"Wait, Sire-of your gracious patience," Doncaster intervened, with much boldness. "One moment more-and it please Your Majesties." And he banged a gold ladle on a piece of plate as a signal.