Marilyn Kaye - Better Late Than Never

"Your favorite," she announced, putting the plate on the coffee table between the recliner and the sofa where Amanda was sitting. "Don't let your father have any--he's on a diet."

Chocolate-chip cookies were the last thing in the world she was interested in at that moment. She was so nervous that she thought she'd throw up if she took one bite. So when Ken's father made a move toward the plate, she murmured, "I won't tell." At least some cookies would be gone when Mrs. Preston came back.

Rick didn't show up, and by the time the game was over, she was in agony. She kept going over and over the last conversation they'd had that afternoon. She'd been thinking about the Public Gardens, the place Rick and Nancy used to go, and Rick had recited some of his poetry Had she not been enthusiastic enough? She'd loved the poetry, and while he'd recited it, she'd imagined herself as--well, herself, listening to this sensitive soul express his love for her. Maybe she could have expressed her reaction in a better way, because ever since she'd become Ken, this was the longest they'd gone between conversations.

Luckily for her, the favored team lost, so she had an excuse to look unhappy.

"Don't take it so hard," Ken's father said. "Bailey's knee will be better by next week and they'll come back."

"Right," Amanda said, without the slightest idea who Bailey was. "I'm going to hit the sack--I'm wiped out."

Once again, she got that worried look from Ken's father. It was only ten o'clock, and she doubted Ken went to bed this early. But she couldn't stand it any longer.

She decided she was going to try to contact Rick. She recalled that time in class when Emily had asked Ken if he could contact her father. She couldn't remember if Ken had said he couldn't, or if he just hadn't wanted to.

Up in Ken's room, she turned off the lights and got into bed. Closing her eyes, she visualized the boy she'd seen in the photos and cleared her mind of everything else.

Rick. Are you there? Can you hear me? Talk to me, Rick.

She heard nothing.

Please, Rick. I need to talk to you. I have to tell you something. It's important.

It was at this moment that she realized she wanted him to know who she really was. It was a big risk. Maybe he'd be horrified to learn he'd been pouring his heart out to a girl. But how could she have a real relationship with him if he thought she was a boy?

How can I have a real relationship with him if he's dead? she asked herself. But she didn't have to answer that because suddenly Rick was there, inside her head.

Hi, Ken.

Rick, hi! I'm so glad you're here!

Yeah? Well, I am. You said you've got something important to tell me.

Was she imagining it or was there a distance between them? She wanted to kick herself. Of course there was a distance--he was six feet under or in heaven, or whatever there was after life.

But he felt so very, very close. She couldn't go on lying to him.

I'm not Ken, Rick.

What are you talking about? Of course you're Ken -- no one else can hear me.

My name is Amanda. I'm inside Ken's body.

There was no response. She tried to explain.

I'm what's called a body snatcher. But I occupy bodies only of people I feel sorry for. I was feeling sorry for Ken, because he can't play soccer since he had an accident. And I became him. So that's why I can hear you.

Should she go into the whole story, about how she had wanted to make Ken ask her out? She was still debating this when Rick spoke.

Wow! I can't tell you how happy I am to hear this.

Why?

Because I was getting these feelings for you. The kind of feelings I didn't expect to have for a guy.

She wondered if he could hear her gasp.

Really? You mean, like the feelings you had for Nancy?

Exactly. The way you understood my poems . . . You really got them, what I was trying to say.

I love your poems. I keep pretending they're about me.

Had she really just said that? It was so not like Amanda to let a boy know how she felt! Amanda played it cool. Amanda played hard to get. She was on a pedestal. A guy had to work for her--he couldn't get her affection this easily.

But Rick could. Rick had. She didn't care if Rick thought she was too easy, too available.

They could be about you. My poems. You're better than Nancy. She never had feelings as strong as yours. You're amazing! You feel so deeply, so strongly, for other people that you can become them!

If only he knew how hard she'd tried all her life to avoid caring and feeling for others.

I know what you look like. I saw your picture in an old yearbook. It's nice, being able to see you in my head while we're talking.

I wish I could see you.

It hit her then that he had no idea what she looked like. He didn't know how pretty Amanda Beeson was. He'd fallen for her personality--her attitude and feelings. She was momentarily dumbstruck. Never in a million years would she have thought that those would be qualities a boy would find appealing in her. She was pretty, she was popular--those were the aspects that pulled in the boys. That was how she got attention.

Do you want me to describe myself?

No, that's not important. I feel as if I know you, as if you're imprinted in my heart. That's enough.

They talked like this for hours, until Amanda started yawning and knew she was going to fall asleep. They made a date to "meet" after school the following day. And she floated away to sleep on what felt like clouds of love.

The next morning, before homeroom, she went to her own locker and waited. A few minutes later, Other-Amanda showed up.

"Hi, Ken," she said.

Amanda recognized her own flirty voice. Other-Amanda fiddled with her locker combination but kept her eyes expectantly on Ken. What would Ken say to her at a moment like this?

She didn't care. She had something to give herself.

"I wrote something for you." It was only a little white lie. After all, she had typed it.

Other-Amanda looked puzzled. "What did you write? A letter?"

"No. It's a poem. For you."

Now she looked confused. "Why did you write me a poem?"

"To express my feelings." She pulled the envelope from Ken's backpack and handed it to her. Other-Amanda took it gingerly, as if she were afraid it would bite.

"I'll see you in class," Other-Amanda said, taking off.

But she saw Other-Amanda before that. She went to the school library during her study-hall period and saw her at a table in the back, with Katie and Britney. They were looking at a sheet of paper, and they were laughing.

She edged closer, staying behind a bookshelf so that they couldn't see her. Peering through a space between some books, she got a better look at what they were doing.

She couldn't really say she was surprised when she saw that the paper was her poem--Rick's poem. Other-Amanda was making fun of it and encouraging her friends to do the same.

"Is this unreal or what?" she was asking them. "Can you believe I ever wanted to hook up with him?"

"Do you think he's, like, had a nervous breakdown or something?" Britney wondered.

"I don't know and I don't care," Other-Amanda replied. "This makes my skin crawl. It's so, I don't know, emotional."

She made it sound like "emotional" was something disgusting.

"'I want to drown in my tears,'" she misquoted in a squeaky voice. "Ew, this is so weird! Who would have thought someone who looked like Ken Preston could be such a dork?"

Amanda was in pain. It literally hurt to hear these words, and not because she was Ken Preston. The words were difficult to hear because she knew this was exactly what she would say if any boy gave her a love poem. Or what she would have said, before Rick.