Алан Милн - Belinda

BELINDA. Well, you see, if I had, he might have wanted to stay.

DELIA. But―

BELINDA ( hurt ). If he didn't want to stay for me, I didn't want him to stay for you . ( Penitently .) Forgive me, darling, but I didn't know you very well then. We've been very happy together, haven't we?

DELIA ( going to the hammock, sitting in it and dangling her legs ). I should think we have.

BELINDA ( leaning back in chair ). I don't want to deny you anything, and, of course, if you'd like a stepfather ( looking down modestly ) or two—

DELIA. Oh, you have been enjoying yourself.

BELINDA. Only you see how awkward it would be if Jack turned up in the middle of the wedding, like—like Eugene Aram.

DELIA. Enoch Arden, darling.

BELINDA. It's very confusing their having the same initials. Perhaps I'd better call them both E. A. in future and then I shall be safe. Well, anyhow it would be awkward, darling, wouldn't it? Not that I should know him from Adam after all these years—except for a mole on his left arm.

DELIA. Perhaps Adam had a mole.

BELINDA. No, darling; you're thinking of Noah. He had two.

DELIA ( thoughtfully ). I wonder what would happen if you met somebody whom you really did fall in love with?

BELINDA ( reproachfully ). Now you're being serious, and it's April.

DELIA. Aren't these two—the present two—serious?

BELINDA. Oh no! They think they are, but they aren't a bit, really. Besides, I'm doing them such a lot of good. I'm sure they'd hate to marry me, but they love to think they're in love with me, and— I love it, and—and they love it, and—and we all love it.

DELIA ( rising and crossing to BELINDA). You really are the biggest, darlingest baby who ever lived. ( Kisses her .) Do say I shan't spoil your lovely times.

BELINDA ( surprised ). Spoil them? Why, you'll make them more lovely than ever.

DELIA ( turning away and sitting on table ). Well, but do they know you have a grown–up daughter?

BELINDA ( suddenly realizing and sitting up ). Oh!

DELIA. It doesn't really matter, because you don't look a day more than thirty.

BELINDA ( absently ). No. ( Hurriedly .) I mean, how sweet of you—only―

DELIA. What!

BELINDA ( playing with her rings ). Well, one of them, Mr. Baxter— Harold—( she looks quickly up at DELIA and down again in pretty affectation, but she is really laughing at herself all the time ) he writes statistical articles for the Reviews—percentages and all those things. He's just the sort of man, if he knew that I was your mother, to work it out that I was more than thirty. The other one, Mr. Devenish—Claude—( she looks up and down as before ) he's rather, rather poetical. He thinks I came straight from heaven—last week.

DELIA ( laughing and jumping up and crossing below deck–chair to R. towards house ). I think I'd better go straight back to Paris.

BELINDA ( jumping up and catching her firmly by the left arm ). You will do nothing of the sort. ( Pulling DELIA back to centre .) You will take off that hat—( she lets go of the arm and begins to take out the pin ) which is a perfect duck, and I don't know why I didn't say so before—( she puts the hat down on the table ) and let me take a good look at you ( she does so ), and kiss you ( she does so, then crosses DELIA below her and takes her towards the house ), and then we'll go to your room and unpack and have a lovely talk about clothes. And then we'll have tea.

(BETTY comes in and stands up at back .)

And now here's Betty coming in to upset all our delightful plans, just when we'vt made them. (BELINDA and DELIA are now on BETTY'S R.)

DELIA ( leaving BELINDA and shaking hands with BETTY). How are you, Betty? I've left school.

BETTY. Very nicely, thank you, miss. ( Backing to L. and admiring .) You've grown.

BELINDA ( moving to and patting the top of DELIA'S head ). I'm much taller than she is…( Crossing to BETTY in front of DELIA.) Well, Betty, what is it?

BETTY. The two gentlemen, Mr. Baxter and Mr. Devenish, have both called together, ma'am.

BELINDA ( excited ). Oh! How—how very simultaneous of them!

DELIA ( eagerly, going towards house ). Oh, do let me see them!

BELINDA ( stopping her ). Darling, you'll see plenty of them before you've finished. ( To BETTY in an exaggerated whisper .) What have you done with them?

BETTY. They're waiting in the hall, ma'am, while I said I would see if you were at home.

BELINDA. All right, Betty. Give me two minutes and then show them out here.

BETTY. Yes, ma'am.

(BETTY crosses below BELINDA and DELIA and exits into the house .)

BELINDA ( taking DELIA down R. a step ). They can't do much harm to each other in two minutes.

DELIA ( taking her hat from table ). Well, I'll go and unpack. ( She goes back to BELINDA.) You really won't mind my coming down afterwards?

BELINDA. Of course not. ( A little awkwardly, taking DELIA'S arm and moving down R.) Darling one, I wonder if you'd mind—just at first—being introduced as my niece. ( By now at foot of deck–chair .) You see, I expect they're in a bad temper already ( now C.), having come here together, and we don't want to spoil their day entirely.

DELIA ( smiling, on BELINDA'S L.). I'll be your mother if you like.

BELINDA. Oh no, that wouldn't do, because then Mr. Baxter would feel that he ought to ask your permission before paying his attentions to me. He's just that sort of man. A niece is so safe—however good you are at statistics, you can't really prove anything.

DELIA. All right, mummy.

BELINDA ( enjoying herself ). You'd like to be called by a different name, wouldn't you? There's something so thrilling about taking a false name. Such a lot of adventures begin like that. How would you like to be Miss Robinson, darling? It's a nice easy one to remember. ( Persuasively .) And you shall put your hair up so as to feel more disguised. What fun we're going to have!

DELIA. You baby! All right, then, I'm Miss Robinson, your favourite niece. ( She takes her jacket from the hammock and moves towards the house .)

BELINDA. How sweet of you! No, no, not that way—you'll meet them. ( Following quickly up between tree and table to DELIA, who has now reached the house .) Oh, I'm coming with you to do your hair. ( Moving up C., arm in arm with DELIA.) You don't think you're going to be allowed to do it yourself, when so much depends on it, and husbands leave you because of it, and―

(BELINDA, seeing BETTY entering from house, hurries DELIA up R., and they bob down behind the yew hedge R. BETTY comes from the house into the garden, crossing to centre and up stage looking for BELINDA, followed by MR. BAXTER and MR. DEVENISH. BAXTER gives an angry look round at DEVENISH as he enters. MR. BAXTER is forty–five, prim and erect, with close–trimmed moustache and side–whiskers. His clothes are dark and he wears a bowler–hat . MR. DEVENISH is a long–haired, good–looking boy in a négligé costume; perhaps twenty–two years old, and very scornful of the world. BAXTER crosses to L. below BETTY, and turns to her with a sharp inquiring glance . DEVENISH moves down R., languidly admiring the garden .)