Алан Милн - Belinda

BELINDA. Oh yes. I expect he is out in the moonlight with her now, comparing her to Diana.

TREMAYNE. Well, that accounts for him. Now what about Baxter?

BELINDA. I thought I told you. Deeply disappointed to find that I was four years older than he expected, Mr. Baxter hurried from the drawing–room and buried himself in a column of the Encyclopedia Britannica .

TREMAYNE. Well, that settles Baxter. Are there any more men in the neighbourhood?

BELINDA ( shaking her head ). Isn't it awful? I've only had those two for the last three weeks.

(TREMAYNE sits on the back of the Chesterfield and looks down at her .)

TREMAYNE. Belinda.

BELINDA. Yes, Henry!

TREMAYNE. My name is John.

BELINDA. Well, you never told me. I had to guess. Everybody thinks they can call me Belinda without giving me the least idea what their own names are. You were saying, John?

TREMAYNE. My friends call me Jack.

BELINDA. Jack Robinson. That's the man who always goes away so quickly. I hope you're making more of a stay?

TREMAYNE ( seizing her by both arms ). Oh, you maddening, maddening woman!

BELINDA. Well, I have to keep the conversation going. You do nothing but say "Belinda."

TREMAYNE ( taking her hand ). Have you ever loved anybody seriously, Belinda?

BELINDA. I don't ever do anything very seriously. The late Mr. Tremayne, my first husband—Jack― Isn't it funny, his name was Jack—he used to complain about it too sometimes.

TREMAYNE ( with conviction ). Silly ass!

BELINDA. Ah, I think you are a little hard on the late Mr. Tremayne.

TREMAYNE. Belinda, I want you to marry me and forget about him.

BELINDA ( happily to herself and lying back ). This is the proposal that those lamb cutlets interrupted this morning.

TREMAYNE. Belinda, I love you—do you understand?

BELINDA. Suppose my first husband turns up suddenly like—like E. A.?

TREMAYNE. Like who?

BELINDA. Well, like anybody.

TREMAYNE. He won't—I know he won't. Don't you love me enough to risk it, Belinda?

BELINDA. I haven't really said I love you at all yet.

TREMAYNE. Well, say it now.

(BELINDA looks at him, and then down again .)

You do! Well, I'm going to have a kiss, anyway, ( He kisses her quickly—moves to L. of Chesterfield .) There!

BELINDA ( rising ). O–oh I The late Mr. Tremayne never did that. ( She powders her nose .)

TREMAYNE. I have already told you that he was a silly ass. ( He makes a move as if to kiss her again .)

BELINDA ( holding up her hand and sitting on the R. side of the Chesterfield ). I shall scream for Mr. Baxter.

TREMAYNE ( sitting down on the Chesterfield, on her L, side .) Belinda―

BELINDA. Yes, Henry—I mean, Jack?

TREMAYNE. Do you know who I am! ( He is thoroughly enjoying the surprise he is about to give her .)

BELINDA ( nodding ). Yes, Jack.

TREMAYNE. Who?

BELINDA. Jack Tremayne.

TREMAYNE ( jumping up ). Good heavens, you know !

BELINDA ( gently ). Yes, Jack.

TREMAYNE ( angrily ). You've known all the time that I was your husband, and you've been playing with me and leading me on.

BELINDA ( mildly ). Well, darling, you knew all the time that I was your wife, and you've been making love to me and leading me on.

TREMAYNE. That's different.

BELINDA ( to herself ). That's just what the late Mr. Tremayne said, and then he slammed the door and went straight off to the Rocky Mountains and shot bears; and I didn't see him again for eighteen years.

TREMAYNE ( remorsefully ). Darling, I was a fool then, and I'm a fool now.

BELINDA. I was a fool then, but I'm not such a fool now—I'm not going to let you go. It's quite time I married and settled down.

TREMAYNE. You darling I ( He kisses her .) How did you find out who I was?

BELINDA ( awkwardly ). Well, it was rather curious, darling. ( After a pause .) It was April, and I felt all sort of Aprily, and—and—there was the garden all full of daffodils—and—and there was Mr. Baxter—the one we left in the library—knowing all about moles. He's probably got the M. volume down now. Well, we were talking about them one day, and I happened to say that the late Mr. Tremayne—that was you, darling—had rather a peculiar one on his arm. And then he happened to see it this morning and told me about it.

TREMAYNE. What an extraordinary story!

BELINDA. Yes, darling; it's really much more extraordinary than that. I think perhaps I'd better tell you the rest of it another time. ( Coaxingly .) Now show me where the nasty lion scratched you.

(TREMAYNE pulls up his sleeve .) Oh! ( She kisses his arm .) You shouldn't have left Chelsea, darling.

TREMAYNE. I should never have found you if I hadn't.

BELINDA ( squeezing his arm ). No, Jack, you wouldn't. ( After a pause .) I—I've got another little surprise for you if—if you're ready for it. ( Standing up and moving to the chair L. of the table .) Properly speaking, I ought to be wearing white. I shall certainly stand up while I'm telling you. ( Modestly .) Darling, we have a daughter—our little Delia. ( He is standing in front of the fireplace .)

TREMAYNE. Delia? You said her name was Robinson.

BELINDA. Yes, darling, but you said yours was. One always takes one's father's name. Unless, of course, you were Lord Robinson.

TREMAYNE. But you said her name was Robinson before you—

( She makes a playful move .)

—Oh, never mind about that. A daughter? Belinda, how could you let me go and not tell me?

BELINDA. You forget how you'd slammed the door. It isn't the sort of thing you shout through the window to a man on his way to America.

TREMAYNE ( taking her in his arms ). Oh, Belinda, don't let me ever go away again.

(DEVENISH and DELIA enter from up L. and pass the windows on the way to the swing doors .)

BELINDA. I'm not going to, Jack. I'm going to settle down into a staid old married woman.

TREMAYNE. Oh no, you're not. You're going on just as you did before. And I'm going to propose to you every April, and win you, over all the other men in love with you.

BELINDA. You darling! ( They embrace .)

(DELIA and DEVENISH come in from the garden .)

TREMAYNE ( quietly to BELINDA). Our daughter.

DELIA ( going up to TREMAYNE). You're my father.

TREMAYNE. If you don't mind very much, Delia.

DELIA. You've been away a long time.

TREMAYNE. I'll do my best to make up for it.

BELINDA. Delia, darling, I think you might kiss your poor old father.

( As the does to, DEVENISH suddenly and hastily kisses BELINDA on the cheek .)

DEVENISH. Just in case you're going to be my mother–in–law.

TREMAYNE. We seem to be rather a family party.

BELINDA ( suddenly ). There! ( Moving to the door L.) We've forgotten Mr. Baxter again.

BAXTER ( who has come in quietly with a book in his hand ). Oh, don't mind about me, Mrs. Tremayne. I've enjoyed myself immensely. ( He crosses to the arm–chair below the fireplace and places it in front of the fire .)

(BELINDA and TREMAYNE move up into the inner room by the refectory table and embrace, their backs to BAXTER. DELIA and DEVENISH are by the swing doors. They also embrace, their backs to BAXTER.)

( Referring to his book .) I have been collecting some most valuable information on (looking round at them and sitting in the arm–chair and continuing to read) lunacy in the—er—county of Devonshire.