Алан Милн - Belinda

BELINDA ( apologetically ). Well, there she is.

BAXTER. But—but she's grown up.

BELINDA. Quite.

BAXTER. Then in that case you must be―( He hesitates, evidently working it out .)

BELINDA ( hastily ). I'm afraid so, Mr. Baxter.

BAXTER. But this makes a great difference. I had no idea. Why, when I'm fifty you would be―

BELINDA ( sighing ). Yes, I suppose I should.

BAXTER. And when I'm sixty―

BELINDA ( pleadingly to DEVENISH). Can't you stop him?

DEVENISH ( with a threatening gesture ). Look here, Baxter, another word from you and you'll never get to sixty.

BAXTER. And then there's Miss—er—Delia. In the event of our marrying, Mrs. Tremayne, she, I take it, would be my step–daughter.

BELINDA. I don't think she would trouble us much, Mr. Baxter. ( With a sly look at DEVENISH.) I have an idea that she will be getting married before long. ( She again glances at DEVENISH, who returns her look gratefully .)

BAXTER ( moving up L. into the inner room ). None the less, the fact would be disturbing.

(DEVENISH with a wink at BELINDA crosses in front of her and warms his hands at the fire . BELINDA watches BAXTER over the back of the Chesterfield .)

I have never yet considered myself seriously as a step–father. ( Moving round the refectory table .) I don't think I am going too far if I say that to some extent I have been deceived in this matter. ( He comes down to behind the C. table .)

BELINDA ( reproachfully ). And so have I. I thought you loved me.

DEVENISH ( sympathetically ). Yes, yes.

BELINDA ( turning to him suddenly ). And Mr. Devenish too.

BAXTER ( moving to BELINDA). Er―

DEVENISH. Er―

( They stand before her guiltily and have nothing to say .)

BELINDA ( with a shrug ). Well, I shall have to marry somebody else, that's all.

BAXTER ( moving to below table ). Who? Who?

BELINDA. I suppose Mr. Robinson. After all, if I am Delia's mother, and Mr. Baxter says that Mr. Robinson's her father, it's about time we were married.

DEVENISH ( eagerly ). Mrs. Tremayne, what fools we are! He is your husband all the time!

BELINDA. Yes.

BAXTER ( moving up to the R. of BELINDA). You've had a husband all the time?

BELINDA ( apologetically ). I lost him; it wasn't my fault.

BAXTER. Really, this is very confusing. I don't know where I am. I gather—I am to gather, it seems, that you are no longer eligible as a possible wife?

BELINDA. I am afraid not, Mr. Baxter.

BAXTER. But this is very confusing—( moving towards the swing doors )—this is very disturbing to a man of my age. For weeks past I have been regarding myself as a—a possible benedict. I have—ah—taken steps. ( Back to the L. end of the C. table .) Only this morning, in writing to my housekeeper, I warned her that she might hear at any moment a most startling announcement.

DEVENISH ( cheerfully ). Oh, that's all right. That might only mean that you were getting a new bowler–hat.

BAXTER ( dropping down L.C. a few steps—suddenly ). Ah, and what about you, sir? How is it that you take this so lightly? ( Triumphantly .) I have it. It all becomes clear to me. You have transferred your affections to her daughter!

DEVENISH. Oh, I say, Baxter, this is very crude.

BELINDA. And why should he not, Mr. Baxter? ( Softly .) He has made me very happy.

BAXTER ( staggered ). He has made you happy, Mrs. Tremayne!

BELINDA. Very happy.

BAXTER ( thoughtfully ). Oh! Oh ho! Oh ho! ( He takes a turn up the room into the inner room, muttering to himself . BELINDA kneels and watches him over the back of the Chesterfield. Then he comes down again to her R. side .) Mrs. Tremayne, I have taken a great resolve. ( Solemnly .) I also will make you happy. ( Thumping his heart .) I also will woo Miss Delia.

BELINDA. Oh!

DEVENISH. Look here, Baxter—

BAXTER ( suddenly crossing and seizing DEVENISH'S arm and pulling him towards the siding doors up R. between the Chesterfield and the table ). Come, we will seek Miss Delia together.

(BELINDA seizes DEVENISH'S hand as he is passing and he, clinging to it, nearly pulls her off the Chesterfield. She is very amused .)

It may be that she will send us upon another quest in which I shall again be victorious.

(BELINDA releases her hand and slips down into the Chesterfield. Tempestuously .)

Come, I say—

( He marches the resisting DEVENISH to the swing doors .)

Let us put it to the touch, to win or lose it all.

DEVENISH ( turning and appealing to BELINDA). Please!

BELINDA ( gently ). Mr. Baxter…Harold.

(BAXTER stops and turns round .)

You are too impetuous. I think that as Delia's mother—

BAXTER ( coming down R. to the foot of the C. table ). Your pardon, Mrs. Tremayne. In the intoxication of the moment I am forgetting. ( Formally .) I have the honour to ask your permission to pay my addresses—( Moves to chair L. of table .)

BELINDA. No, no, I didn't mean that. But, as Delia's mother, I ought to warn you that she is hardly fitted to take the place of your housekeeper. She is not very domesticated.

BAXTER ( indignantly ). Not domesticated? ( Sits L. of table .) Why, did I not hear her tell her father at dinner that she had arranged all the flowers?

BELINDA. There are other things than flowers.

DEVENISH ( on BAXTER'S R., behind the table ). Bed–socks, for instance, Baxter.

(BAXTER is annoyed .)

It's a very tricky thing airing bed–socks. I am sure your house–keeper—

BAXTER ( silencing DEVENISH). Mrs. Tremayne, she will learn. The daughter of such a mother…I need say no more.

BELINDA. Oh, thank you. But there is something else, Mr. Baxter. You are not being quite fair to yourself. In starting out upon this simultaneous wooing, you forget that Mr. Devenish has already had his turn—(DEVENISH tries to stop her . BAXTER turns round and nearly catches him .)—this morning alone. You should have yours … alone … too.

DEVENISH. Oh, I say!

BAXTER. Yes, yes, you are right. I must introduce myself first as a suitor. I see that. ( Rising, to DEVENISH.) You stay here; I will go alone into the garden, and—( Moving below table and up to the swing doors .)

BELINDA. It is perhaps a little cold out of doors for people of … of our age, Mr. Baxter. Now, in the library—

BAXTER ( at the swing doors, turning to her, astonished ). Library?

BELINDA. Yes.

BAXTER ( moving down R. a little ). You have a library?

BELINDA ( to DEVENISH). He doesn't believe I have a library.

DEVENISH. You ought to see the library, Baxter.

BAXTER ( moving more down to below R. of table ). But you are continually springing surprises on me this evening, Mrs. Tremayne. First a daughter, then a husband, and then—a library! I have been here three weeks, and I never knew you had a library. Dear me, I wonder how it is that I never saw it?

BELINDA ( modestly, rising ). I thought you came to see me .

BAXTER. Yes, yes, to see you, certainly. But if I had known you had a library … .