Лорд Дансейни - Plays for Earth and Air

SMITH: No, no. Not really. That’s only spoiling them.

E. L.: And I tell you he shall have it.

SMITH: No, no. A little maize and some incense, that’s all they really want.

E. L.: He shall have blood .

SMITH: No, no. Not at all. Now look here, I tell you what we’ll do. I tell you what we’ll do. Hullo, there’s the brakes going on.

There is the slightest change in the train’s rhythm.

Now, look here, you don’t want to do anything in a hurry just now, or they’ll be getting those odd ideas about you again. We’re coming into a station; a railway station, you know; and they’ll be making one of their silly mistakes again if they see you acting on orders you’ve received through your wireless brain. You see … wait a moment now … wait a moment. You see they don’t believe in your wireless brain and the silly fools will make trouble; they’re bound to; it would be just like them to. Now if we wait till we’ve left the next station …

E. L.: Look here, that’s all very well. I’ll do as you say. But if you say a single word to anyone at that station about me being what they think queer, or any other silly wicked nonsense of that sort, I’ll slip this knife into you at once.

SMITH: Oh, I wouldn’t dream of saying anything of that sort.

E. L.: No, you’d better not.

SMITH: I swear I won’t.

E. L.: Yes. Because, you see, if you did you’d have this knife in you, and they couldn’t do anything to me. You’d be lying there dead all right. But they’d have your evidence, your very last words, that I was insane. And the silly fools would believe you too. And they couldn’t do anything to me then. You see?

SMITH: Oh yes, I see perfectly. And I’ve sworn not to.

E. L.: That’s right. I should only go back to the place I’ve come from, quite a pleasant place really. It had a jolly little conservatory. And that’s all they could do to me. But you, you see, would be dead.

SMITH: Oh yes, quite.

E. L.: Whereas if you only wait till we’ve left the next station (and I see we’re getting in now) you’ve another five minutes to live.

SMITH: Exactly.

E. L.: Which is all to the good, isn’t it?

SMITH: Oh quite so.

Train stops.

E. L.: Ah, some people are coming this way now. Well, if you tell them that I’m what they call mad, you know what will happen.

SMITH: Oh certainly. And I’ve sworn not to.

E. L.: That’s right. And lucky you did. You’d better swear by this knife, because that’s what’s going to see that you keep your oath.

SMITH: Oh yes certainly. Yes I do. Nice big one, isn’t it.

E. L.: Big enough.

GUARD: Excuse me gentlemen, but I’ve orders to look in every carriage. There’s a patient escaped from Tilney Lunatic Asylum. You didn’t see anybody odd–looking getting into the train, or on the platform near it?

E. L.: No, not as far as I can remember.

SMITH: Oh no, certainly not.

GUARD: Thank you, gentlemen. I’d better look under the seats.

E. L.: Excuse me, but would he be dangerous, this patient?

GUARD: Well, they say he is rather, sir.

E. L.: I happen to have rather a large knife with me; a curio, you know. I’ll show it you. Do you think I would be justified in keeping it by me, just in case he jumped in?

GUARD: Well, sir, not a knife, I wouldn’t. But of course if he attacked you in a dangerous manner you’d be justified in defending yourself.

E. L.: There it is. It’s a curio, you see.

GUARD: Oh, a curio?

E. L.: I’m rather a nervous person and I think I’ll just keep it handy.

GUARD: Well, it’s all right, sir. He’s not under the seats.

E. L.: Thank you, thank you very much indeed. ( To SMITH.) But I think we shall both appreciate having it handy.

SMITH: Oh, quite.

GUARD: Well that’s all right, gentlemen. He isn’t here. He must be in some other carriage. We got a wire that he’s on the train.

E. L.: Any description of him?

GUARD: No sir. But we can always tell a lunatic.

E. L.: Ah, yes; yes, of course you can.

SMITH: I say, don’t go just yet.

GUARD: Why, sir, it’s all right. There’s no one here.

SMITH: No, no, of course not. No one at all. I only felt that if you stayed a bit longer … I mean we should both be glad of your company.

GUARD: Company? Ha ha. Thank you, sir. Well, we must be going on now.

SMITH: Yes, yes, of course. But won’t you take just one more look under the seat, just one more you know. My friend said he was nervous.

GUARD: That’s all right, sir, there’s nobody there. We must go on and look for him in the other carriages.

Enter STATION–MASTER.

STATION–MASTER ( to GUARD): Everything all right in there?

SMITH: Oh quite all right. Quite all right. I guarantee there is nothing wrong about this gentleman. He’s a friend of mine.

STATION–MASTER: Oh? And what about you? Looking just a shade excited I thought.

SMITH: Me? Oh, me? Well that’s just it. That’s the trouble you see.

STATION–MASTER: The trouble? What’s the trouble? I don’t quite follow.

SMITH: Well, you see. I ’m the lunatic.

STATION–MASTER: Well, a bit excited certainly.

SMITH: No, no, no, not excited, just mad. Quite mad. Very mad indeed. I’m the man you’re looking for, the lunatic you know. I escaped from Tilney Asylum. They’ve a jolly little conservatory. We grow flowers in it. We do. Really.

STATION–MASTER: Pulling our legs, aren’t you?

SMITH: Pulling your legs? Certainly not. Shouldn’t dream of doing such a thing. A station–master and all that. Certainly not.

STATION–MASTER: Then what’s your name?

SMITH: I’m the King of the Moon.

STATION–MASTER: Here, what do you mean?

SMITH: Yes, I’m the King of the Moon. Rightfully, you know. But there was a bit of a rebellion there and they threw me out. And I came down here on a tea–tray. You know, a common tea–tray with black lacquer on it. That’s how I came here.

STATION–MASTER: Ah, he’d be the man we want all right.

GUARD: Yes, come on. We’ve a nice little tea–tray waiting to take you home.

SMITH: With black lacquer on it?

GUARD: Oh yes . Ever so nice and shiny.

SMITH: Ah, that’s right. I’ll come. Good–bye, Mr. Man.

E. L.: Look here, I …

SMITH: No, no, they’ve only room for one of us. Come on, Mr. Station–Master.

STATION–MASTER: Come on back to the moon.

E. L.: Look here. Don’t take him away. I want him.

STATION–MASTER: You want him?

E. L.: Yes. For company, you know. I told you I was a bit nervous.

STATION–MASTER: But he’s the lunatic.

SMITH: Oh, yes. Quite.

E. L.: No, not a bit of it. He’s all right. He’s a friend of mine. And I want him.

SMITH: Now, I ought to know; oughtn’t I? And I say I’m the King of the Moon. Rightfully, you know. And that wouldn’t be all right to your way of thinking, would it? Not at all.

E. L.: I tell you he’s all right.

SMITH: He ’s all right. Quite all right. But I’m balmy. That’s the word; balmy. And I ought to know; oughtn’t I?

STATION–MASTER: Come on, then.

E. L.: Look here …

SMITH: He ’s absolutely all right.

STATION–MASTER: It’s a nice tea–tray.

GUARD, STATION–MASTER and SMITH all bustle out. Voice of GUARD from platform . “All right, we’ve got him.” The guard’s whistle. The train begins to cough.

STATION–MASTER: You’ll come quietly?

SMITH: Oh yes, quite quietly. There’s just one thing I want to say.

STATION–MASTER: Well, what’s that?

SMITH: Wait a moment.