Том Стоппард: 'M' is for Moon Among Other Things

(Flip flip flip of pages)

ALFRED:The Universal Treasury of People, Places and Things: Illustrated. M to N. . A lot of useless knowledge.

CONSTANCE:I've got as far as Molluscs, but I'm skipping madly.

ALFRED:You forget it all anyway.

CONSTANCE:No I don't, not all of it.

ALFRED:Well, you forgot about Catholics, didn't you? There must have been something about them under C.

CONSTANCE:(Unhappy, offensive — defensive, a little desperate) Oh Alfred, please —notnow again.

ALFRED:Catholics ! Catholics-don't-eat-meat-on-Fridays. Or under M-Meat ,what-Catholics-don't eat-on-a-Friday. Or F-Friday ,the-day-Catholics-don't-eat-meat-on. Oh my God, you could probably have found it under G-Mrs Gilbert ,wife to Alfred's boss Mr Gilbert and a staunch Catholic who does not eat meat on a Friday!

(Pause.)

D is for Débâcle — that which occurs when Mrs Gilbert is offered meat by her husband's chief accountant's wife on a Friday!

CONSTANCE:(Crying) Well, I wouldn't have forgotten if you hadn't been so awful on the phone — I phoned you to ask you what to get for dinner and you wouldn't give me a chance — Alfred — you were — you behaved. .

ALFRED:Oh, don't cry — I couldn't talk to you then. . You had to call up just as Mr Gilbert, Anglican, was hovering round my neck with my monthly report. . Oh, what does it matter anyway.

(Pages turned)

M is for Money. . Universal Treasury all right. . Two guineas a volume, a guinea per letter of the alphabet. How can you get a guinea's worth out of X? Or Z?

CONSTANCE:It was a lovely birthday present.

ALFRED:Well, I'm sorry I haven't got as much money as your rich brother Stanley.

CONSTANCE:Oh, you know I didn't mean that. But it's lovely to know that every month there's another volume coming. That's the seventh, counting the A to B I got on the actual day. It's O to P this month. Oranges and Orang-utans. I don't know — it's just that the time isn't all a waste, somehow, do you know what I mean?

ALFRED:What's the capital of Mongolia?

CONSTANCE:The point isn't to know the capital of Mongolia, Alfred — the point is

to. . Alfred, at half-past ten I'll be forty-two-and-a-half years old and it's all slipping by.

ALFRED:Well, I'm blessed — do you know they haven't even got her in here.

CONSTANCE:Who?

ALFRED:'Monroe Doctrine. . Monroe, James, President of the United States . .' Universal ruddy Treasury.

CONSTANCE:Well, they can't have everything. I remember my first ABC book — everything was so simple then. I thought that each letter only stood for the one word they gave, you know? A is for Apple, B is for Baby, C is for Cat. . M was for Moon. It was ages before I knew that M was for anything else. . like Millie. . She was 36, he said, didn't he?

ALFRED:Did he? Poor dear. . What I meant was that it needn't have happened. That's why you can't call it fate.

CONSTANCE:It's all right, I wasn't thinking.

ALFRED:It was just that she had no one to recognize her needs, you see. No one to turn to, I mean. No wonder the poor girl got desperate. Those actors — people like that — they've got no humanity, no understanding — self, self, it's such a selfish society. A girl like that, dying with a telephone in her hand— who did she have to call who would have done her any good? No one. Perhaps that's fate.

CONSTANCE:Yes, I suppose so.

ALFRED:Well, let's go up. I'll lock up — you have the bathroom first.

CONSTANCE:I wonder who she was trying to phone, though.

(Fade out — sound of CONSTANCE getting into bed — or near offer)

Oooooh, bed. I feel quite worn out.

ALFRED:You got up too early again.

CONSTANCE:I couldn't drop off once I woke up. It's getting very tiresome.

ALFRED:Don't those pills work?

CONSTANCE:I suppose they must help. I think I'll take an extra one tonight.

ALFRED:Yes, I should.

CONSTANCE:Oh — Alfred — I forgot my glass of water. Do you mind, while you're still up.

ALFRED:Oh, gosh, where is it?

CONSTANCE:On the wash-stand.

(Thinks:) Oh God, if I'd been in her place I would have eaten the bloody meat and gone to confession. . Bitch. . I shouldn't have phoned Alfred at the office, though.

ALFRED:Here you are. Got the pills?

(Clock chiming half past ten — ALFRED getting into bed)

CONSTANCE:(Thinks:) Half-past ten, August the fifth, nineteen sixty-two. Well — Cheers!

(Gulps pill and drink)

Happy anniversary, Millie.

(Puts glass down)

ALFRED:Should I turn the light off?

CONSTANCE:Yes.

(Click)

(Thinks:) Maple tree. . Mozambique. . Mandragora. . Marzipan. . Mother. .

Moon. . Melon. . Menopause. . Mongolia. .

ALFRED:(Thinks:) Marilyn. . don't worry, I'm glad you phoned. . Don't be unhappy, love, tell me all about it and I'm sure I'll think of something. . Do you feel better already? — Well, it's nice to have someone you know you can count on any time, isn't it?. . Don't cry, don't cry any more. . I'll make it all right. .

(Up — sigh)

Poor old thing. .

CONSTANCE:Oh, you mustn't worry about me, Alfred, I'll be all right. .

(Thinks:) Marshmallow. . Mickey Mouse. . Marriage. . Moravia. . Mule. .

Market. . Mumps. .