Tom Stoppard - Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead

GUIL: We've been caught up. Your smallest action sets off another somewhere else, and is set off by it. Keep an eye open, an ear cocked. Tread warily, follow instructions. We'll be all right.

ROS: For how long?

GUIL: Till events have played themselves out. There's a logic at work-it's all done for you, don't worry. Enjoy it. Relax. To be taken in hand and led, like being a child again, even without the innocence, a child-it's like being given a prize, an extra slice of childhood when you least expect it, as a prize for being good, or compensation for never having had one… Do I contradict myself?

ROS: I can't remember… What have we got to go on?

GUIL: We have been briefed. Hamlet's transformation. What do you recollect?

ROS: Well, he's changed, hasn't he? The exterior and inward man fails to resemble

GUIL: Draw him on to pleasures-glean what afflicts him.

ROS: Something more than his father's death

GUIL: He's always talking about us-there aren't two people living whom he dotes on more than us.

ROS: We cheer him up-find out what's the matter

GUIL: Exactly, it's a matter of asking the right questions and giving away as little as we can. It's a game.

ROS: And then we can go?

GUIL: And receive such thanks as fits a king's remembrance.

ROS: I like the sound of that. What do you think he means by remembrance?

GUIL: He doesn't forget his friends.

ROS: Would you care to estimate?

GUIL: Difficult to say, really-some kings tend to be amnesiac, others I suppose-the opposite, whatever that is…

ROS: Yes-but– Elephantine… ?

ROS: Not how long-how much?

GUIL: Retentive-he's a very retentive king, a royal retainer..

ROS: What are you playing at?

GUIL: Words, words. They're all we have to go on.

Pause.

ROS: Shouldn't we be doing something-constructive?

GUIL: What did you have in mind?… A short, blunt human pyramid… ?

ROS: We could go.

GUIL: Where?

ROS: After him.

GUIL: Why? They've got us placed now-if we start moving around, we'll all be chasing each other all night.

Hiatus.

ROS ( at footlights ) : How very intriguing! ( Turns. ) I feel like a spectator-an appalling business. The only thing that makes it bearable is the irrational belief that somebody interesting will come on in a minute…

GUIL: See anyone?

ROS: No. You?

GUIL: No. ( At footlights. ) What a fine persecution-to be kept intrigued without ever quite being enlightened… ( Pause. ) We've had no practice.

ROS: We could Play at questions.

GUIL: What good would that do?

ROS: Practice!

GUIL: Statement! one-love.

ROS: Cheating!

GUIL: How?

ROS: I hadn't started yet.

GUIL: Statement. Two-love

ROS: Are you counting that?

GUIL: What?

ROS: Are you counting that?

GUIL: Foul! No repetitions Three-love First game to…

ROS: I'm not going to play if you're going to be like that.

GUIL: Whose serve?

ROS: Hah?

GUIL: Foul! No grunts. Love-one.

ROS: Whose go?

GUIL: Why?

ROS: Why not?

GUIL: What for?

ROS. Foul! No synonyms! One-all.

GUIL: What in God's name is going on?

ROS: Foul! No rhetoric. Two-one.

GUIL: What does it all add up to?

ROS: Can't you guess?

GUIL: Were You addressing me?

ROS: Is there anyone else?

GUIL: Who?

ROS How Would I know?

GUIL: Why do you ask?

ROS: Are you serious?

GUIL: Was that rhetoric?

ROS: No.

GUIL: Statement! Two-all. Game point.

ROS: What's the matter with you today?

GUIL: When?

ROS: What?

GUIL: Are you deaf?

ROS: Am I dead?

GUIL: Yes or no

ROS: Is there a choice?

GUIL: Is there a God?

ROS: Foul! No non sequiturs,

GUIL: ( seriously ) : What's your name?

ROS: What's yours?

GUIL: I asked you first.

ROS: Statement. One-love.

GUIL: What's your name when you're at home?

ROS: What's yours?

GUIL: When I'm at home?

ROS: Is it different at home?

GUIL: What home?

ROS: Haven't you got one?

GUIL: Why do you ask?

ROS: What are you driving at?

GUIL ( with emphasis ) : What's your name?!

ROS: Repetition. Two-love. Match point to me.

GUIL ( seizing him violently ) : WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

ROS: Rhetoric! Game and match! ( Pause. ) Where's it going to end?

GUIL: That's the question.

ROS: It's all questions.

GUIL: Do you think it matters?

ROS: Doesn't it matter to you?

GUIL: Why should it matter?

ROS: What does it matter why?

GUIL ( teasing gently ) : Doesn't it matter why it matters?

ROS ( rounding on him ) : What's the matter with you?

Pause.

GUIL: It doesn't matter.

ROS ( voice in the wilderness ) :… What's the game?

GUIL: What are the rules?

Enter HAMLET behind, crossing the stage, reading a book-as he is about to disappear GUIL notices him.

GUIL ( sharply ) : Rosencrantz!

ROS ( jumps ) : What!

HAMLET goes. Triumph dawns on them, they smile.

GUIL: There! How was that?

ROS: Clever!

GUIL: Natural?

ROS: Instinctive.

GUIL: Got it in your head?

ROS: I take my hat off to you.

GUIL: Shake hands.

They do.

ROS: Now I'll try you-GUIL-!

GUIL: –Not yet-catch me unawares.

ROS: Right.

They separate. Pause. Aside to GUIL.

Ready?

GUIL ( explodes ) : Don't be stupid.

ROS: Sorry.

Pause.

GUIL ( snaps ) : Guildenstern!

ROS ( jumps ) : What?

He is immediately crestfallen, GUIL is disgusted.

GUIL: Consistency is all I ask!

ROS ( quietly ) : Immortality is all I seek…

GUIL ( dying fall ) : Give us this day our daily week…

Beat.

ROS: Who was that?

GUIL: Didn't you know him?

ROS: He didn't know me.

GUIL: He didn't see you.

ROS: I didn't see him.

GUIL: We shall see. I hardly knew him, he's changed.

ROS: You could see that?

GUIL: Transformed.

ROS: How do you know?

GUIL: Inside and out.

ROS: I see.

GUIL: He's not himself.

ROS: He's changed.

GUIL: I could see that.

Beat.

Glean what afflicts him.

ROS: Me?

GUIL: Him.

ROS: How?

GUIL: Question and answer. Old ways are the best ways.

ROS: He's afflicted.

GUIL: You question, I'll answer.

ROS: He's not himself, you know.

GUIL: I'm him, you see.

Beat.

ROS: Who am I then?

GUIL: You're yourself.

ROS: And he's you?

GUIL: Not a bit of it.

ROS: Are you afflicted?

GUIL: That's the idea. Are you ready?

ROS: Let's go back a bit.

GUIL: I'm afflicted.

ROS: I see.

GUIL: Glean what afflicts me.

ROS: Right.

GUIL: Question and answer.

ROS: How should I begin?

GUIL: Address me.

ROS: My dear Guildenstern!

GUIL: ( quietly ) : You've forgotten-haven't you?

ROS: My dear Rosencrantz!

GUIL: ( great control ) : I don't think you quite understand. we are attempting is a hypothesis in which I answer him, while you ask me questions.

ROS: Ah! Ready?

GUIL: You know what to do?

ROS: What?

GUIL: Are you stupid?

ROS: Pardon?

GUIL: Are you deaf?

ROS: Did you speak?

GUIL ( admonishing ) : Not now-

ROS: Statement.

GUIL ( shouts ) : Not now! ( Pause. ) If I had any doubts, or rather hopes, they are dispelled. What could we possibly have in common except our situation? ( They separate and sit. ) Perhaps he'll come back this way.