George Bernard Shaw - Pygmalion and Three Other Plays

MRS. HIGGINS Safe! To talk about our health! about our insides ! perhaps about our outsides! How could you be so silly, Henry?

HIGGINS [ impatiently ] Well, she must talk about something. [ He controls himself and sits down again ] . Oh, she’ll be all right: dont you fuss. Pickering is in it with me. Ive a sort of bet on that I’ll pass her off as a duchess in six months. I started on her some months ago; and shes getting on like a house on fire. I shall win my bet. She has a quick ear; and shes been easier to teach than my middle-class pupils because shes had to learn a complete new language. She talks English almost as you talk French.

MRS. HIGGINS Thats satisfactory, at all events.

HIGGINS Well, it is and it isnt.

MRS. HIGGINS What does that mean?

HIGGINS You see, Ive got her pronunciation all right; but you have to consider not only how a girl pronounces, but what she pronounces; and thats where — They are interrupted by the parlor-maid, announcing guests.

THE PARLOR-MAID Mrs. and Miss Eynsford Hill. [ She withdraws ].

HIGGINS Oh Lord ! [He rises; snatches his hat from the table; and makes for the door; but before he reaches it his mother introduces him].

MRS. and MISS EYNSFORD HILL are the mother and daughter who sheltered from the rain in Covent Garden. The mother is well bred, quiet, and has the habitual anxiety of straitened means. The daughter has acquired a gay air of being very much at home in society: the bravado of genteel poverty.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [to MRS. HIGGINS] How do you do? [They shake hands].

MISS EYNSFORD HILL How d‘you do? [She shakes].

MRS. HIGGINS [introducing] My son Henry.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL Your celebrated son! I have so longed to meet you, Professor Higgins.

HIGGINS [ glumly, making no movement in her direction ] Delighted. [ He backs against the piano and bows brusquely ].

MISS EYNSFORD HILL [ going to him with confident familiarity ] How do you do?

HIGGINS [ staring at her ] Ive seen you before somewhere. I havnt the ghost of a notion where; but Ive heard your voice. [ Drearily ] It doesnt matter. Youd better sit down.

MRS. HIGGINS I’m sorry to say that my celebrated son has no manners. You mustnt mind him.

MISS EYNSFORD HILL [ gaily ] I dont. [She sits in the Elizabethan chair ].

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [a little bewildered] Not at all. [She sits on the ottoman between her daughter and MRS. HIGGINS, who has turned her chair away from the writing-table ].

HIGGINS Oh, have I been rude? I didnt mean to be.

He goes to the central window, through which, with his back to the company, he contemplates the river and the flowers in Battersea Park on the opposite bank as if they were a frozen desert.

The parlor-maid returns, ushering in Pickering.

THE PARLOR-MAID Colonel Pickering [she withdraws].

PICKERING How do you do, Mrs. Higgins?

MRS. HIGGINS So glad youve come. Do you know Mrs. Eynsford Hill — Miss Eynsford Hill? [Exchange of bows. The Colonel brings the Chippendale chair a little forward between MRS. HILL and MRS. HIGGINS, and sits down].

PICKERING Has Henry told you what weve come for?

HIGGINS [over his shoulder ] We were interrupted: damn it!

MRS. HIGGINS Oh Henry, Henry, really!

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [ half rising ] Are we in the way?

MRS. HIGGINS [rising and mahing her sit down again] No, no. You couldnt have come more fortunately: we want you to meet a friend of ours.

HIGGINS [turning hopefully ] Yes, by George! We want two or three people. Youll do as well as anybody else.

The parlor-maid returns, ushering FREDDY.

THE PARLOR-MAID Mr. Eynsford Hill.

HIGGINS [ almost audibly, past endurance ] God of Heaven! another of them.

FREDDY [ shaking hands with MRS. HIGGINS ] Ahdedo? [212] That is, “How do you do?”

MRS. HIGGINS Very good of you to come. [ Introducing ] Colonel Pickering.

FREDDY [ bowing ] Ahdedo?

MRS. HIGGINS I dont think you know my son, Professor Higgins.

FREDDY [ going to Higgins ] Ahdedo?

HIGGINS [ looking at him much as if he were a pickpocket ] I’ll take my oath Ive met you before somewhere. Where was it?

FREDDY I dont think so.

HIGGINS [ resignedly ] It dont matter, anyhow. Sit down.

He shakes FREDDY’s hand, and almost slings him on the ottoman with his face to the windows; then comes round to the other side of it.

HIGGINS Well, here we are, anyhow! [He sits down on the ottoman next MRS. EYNSFORD HILL, on her left]. And now, what the devil are we going to talk about until Eliza comes?

MRS. HIGGINS Henry: you are the life and soul of the Royal Society’s soirees; but really youre rather trying on more commonplace occasions.

HIGGINS Am I? Very sorry. [Beaming suddenly ] I suppose I am, you know. [ Uproariously ] Ha, ha!

MISS EYNSFORD HILL [who considers HIGGINS quite eligible matrimonially ] I sympathize. I havnt any small talk. If people would only be frank and say what they really think!

HIGGINS [ relapsing into gloom ] Lord forbid!

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [ taking up her daughter’s cue ] But why?

HIGGINS What they think they ought to think is bad enough, Lord knows; but what they really think would break up the whole show. Do you suppose it would be really agreeable if I were to come out now with what I really think?

MISS EYNSFORD HILL [ gaily ] Is it so very cynical?

HIGGINS Cynical! Who the dickens said it was cynical? I mean it wouldnt be decent.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [ seriously ] Oh! I’m sure you dont mean that, Mr. Higgins.

HIGGINS You see, we’re all savages, more or less. We’re supposed to be civilized and cultured — to know all about poetry and philosophy and art and science, and so on; but how many of us know even the meanings of these names? [To MISS HILL] What do you know of poetry? [ To MRS. HILL ] What do you know of science? [Indicating FREDDY] What does he know of art or science or anything else? What the devil do you imagine I know of philosophy?

MRS. HIGGINS [ warningly ] Or of manners, Henry?

THE PARLOR-MAID [opening the door] Miss Doolittle. [ She withdraws ].

HIGGINS [ rising hastily and running to MRS. HIGGINS ] Here she is, mother. [ He stands on tiptoe and makes signs over his mother’s head to ELIZA to indicate to her which lady is her hostess ] .

ELIZA, who is exquisitely dressed, produces an impression of such remarkable distinction and beauty as she enters that they all rise, quite fluttered. Guided by HIGGINS’s signals, she comes to MRS. HIGGINS with studied grace.

LIZA [speaking with pedantic correctness of pronunciation and great beauty of tone] How do you do, Mrs. Higgins? [She gasps slightly in making sure of the H in Higgins, but is quite successful]. Mr. Higgins told me I might come.

MRS. HIGGINS [cordially] Quite right: I’m very glad indeed to see you.

PICKERING How do you do, Miss Doolittle?

LIZA [shaking hands with him] Colonel Pickering, is it not?

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL I feel sure we have met before, Miss Doolittle. I remember your eyes.

LIZA How do you do? [She sits down on the ottoman gracefully in the place just left vacant by Higgins ].

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [ introducing My daughter Clara.

LIZA How do you do?