David-Matthew Barnes - Better Places to Go

RICARDO. (After a beat:) I can top that.

CANDACE. (Accepting the challenge:) Go for it.

RICARDO. My co-worker was murdered here tonight. (Beat.) She was stabbed to death right there. Although I never told her so, she was the only woman I would’ve married. No one seems to care she’s gone, except for me. To most people she was a cold-hearted bitch (Beat.) and she was. She was just as screwed up as I am and that’s why I liked her. The woman who killed her — she was shot to death in front of the grocery store she worked in, trying to break in to return money she’d stolen. The whole thing happened over a man who is long gone and will probably never be heard from again. My sister is a vegetable, living on machines in a hospital my family can’t afford to keep her in. It’s my fault because I was driving the car and I took my eyes off of the road to tell her she was stupid and she flew, head first through the windshield. My best friend is waiting for me down at the bus station and he’s probably on the brink of suicide right now, because I was supposed to be there over a half an hour ago. I chickened out and I hate myself for it. He’s in love with me and I’m scared if I love him back, that will make me less of a man. (Beat.) I hope you’ll forgive me, princess…because frankly, my dear, I don’t give a fuck. (He exits to the kitchen.)

CANDACE. (After a beat:) My God, Maxine, what have you gotten us into?

MAXINE. Me? What did I do?

CANDACE. You were supposed to help me with my wedding. Everything is ruined.

MAXINE. And it’s my fault?

CANDACE. Why else would I be standing at the scene of a crime? You’re always getting us into these situations. Ever since we were little. Did you hear that guy? Someone was killed here.

MAXINE. (Angry:) Yeah, I heard him.

CANDACE. And that doesn’t freak you out in the least bit?

MAXINE. Normally, I would be. But after the day I’ve had.

CANDACE. You’re not the one getting married.

MAXINE. (Hostile:) That’s right, Candace. I’m not.

CANDACE. You know what Peter is like. He’ll blame all of this on me.

MAXINE. What are you going to do?

CANDACE. I’ll tell him the truth. I’ll tell him it was your fault. You’re the one who forgot to call me this morning and wake me up.

MAXINE. I forgot to set my alarm.

CANDACE. Why were you up so late? I mean, the night before such an important day like this.

MAXINE. I was studying. I have finals next week.

CANDACE. When is this school thing of yours going to be over?

MAXINE. I graduate in June. Remember? I’m thinking about grad school.

CANDACE. Why bother? I’m so glad I’m getting married. I hate school.

MAXINE. Is that why you’re getting married?

CANDACE. What’s that supposed to mean?

MAXINE. You had straight A’s since the first grade. And you never even studied.

CANDACE. Teachers have always liked me, Maxine.

MAXINE. Yeah, but I’ve had to study my ass off.

CANDACE. Well, for a girl like you, education is probably the best choice.

MAXINE. (After a beat:) What do you mean, a girl like me?

CANDACE. You’ve never really been into guys very much.

MAXINE. Don’t you mean guys have never really been into me? Go on, Candace, say it.

CANDACE. Say what? Jesus, Maxine, I’m tired.

MAXINE. So am I. I’m tired of being your scapegoat.

CANDACE. Can we talk about this later? You need to find us a place to stay tonight.

MAXINE. Find your own place. I’m out of here.

CANDACE. Have you lost your mind?! You’re going to leave me here?

MAXINE. I don’t care if I have to hitchhike. I don’t care if I have to go down on the limo driver to bum a ride to a motel. As long as I can get away from you. Girls like me. You really are something, Candace. I bust my ass for you, day after day, year after year and you are so inconsiderate. You know something? The limo driver was right. You are a bitch. And for your information, I hate this dress.

CANDACE. I have no idea where all of this hostility is coming from, but I won’t stand for it. This is still my wedding night. You’re supposed to be my best friend and all I’m getting from you is a headache.

MAXINE. It’s always about you. Well, I’m sick of it. I’ve put up with this crap from you since I was six. I won’t take it anymore.

CANDACE. Then leave! If you can’t stand by me when I need you the most, then you aren’t the person I thought you were.

MAXINE. You don’t even love him.

CANDACE. Of course I do!

MAXINE. Well, he doesn’t love you.

CANDACE. (Beat.) No, probably not. But we’re both young and successful and we want the same thing out of life.

MAXINE. And what’s that, a marriage of convenience?

CANDACE. Like you even know anything about relationships. You haven’t had a decent boyfriend since high school and even then you managed to screw things up, Little Miss Virgin.

MAXINE. And you don’t have a bone of decency in your body. I used to think so. I used to convince myself that everything really was my fault. I was a bad friend. I was a big, fat disappointment and if I didn’t get my act together, you wouldn’t be my friend anymore. Like that was some great reward. Being your friend is like living in a cold, dark place and I hate it. I’ve lived in your shadow for as long as I can remember.

CANDACE. No one forced you to. If I make you so miserable, then why did you come? Why did you agree to be my Maid of Honor?

MAXINE. Because I wanted to stop you.

CANDACE. Stop me?

MAXINE. I made sure we missed that plane, Candace. I gave the limo driver a hundred bucks to take a wrong turn. I did it on purpose.

CANDACE. Why would you do something like that? Are you jealous, is that it?

MAXINE. You’d like to think so.

CANDACE. (A realization:) You don’t want me to get married. You’re scared that if I do, I’ll forget all about you.

MAXINE. Hardly. You couldn’t forget about me, even if you tried. Every time the smallest thing goes wrong in your life, you’re on my doorstep expecting compliments and concern. I’m all out of both. I’ve got nothing left to give to you. Except the truth.

CANDACE. Why are you doing this to me? Tonight of all nights. I’m stuck in the middle of Little House on the Scary Prairie.

MAXINE. Because girls like me can only take so much.

CANDACE. Just say what you have to say. I’d like to bring this night to an end. I’d like to figure out where I’m sleeping tonight.

MAXINE. (Beat.) I slept with him.

CANDACE. Who, the limo driver?

MAXINE. No. With Peter. Your fiancé. The groom.

CANDACE. (A nervous laugh, followed by a painful moment of truth:) You did what?

MAXINE. More than once. We’ve been having sex for two months. On his lunch breaks. In his office. At my apartment. Even in your apartment when you went on that business trip to Boston and I fed your cat for you.

CANDACE. Let me guess, the two of you are madly in love.

MAXINE. Hardly. I hate the guy. He makes me sick.

CANDACE. Then why did you do it?

MAXINE. Because I could. I finally beat you at your own game. I finally won.

CANDACE. It was never a competition, Maxine.

MAXINE. Wasn’t it?

CANDACE. It doesn’t matter, anymore. The wedding is off. You’ve made your point. You can have him. I’m not going to Omaha.

MAXINE. No, you’ll go home and you’ll cry and whine to your entourage of the subservient girls in your office. They’ll feel sorry for you and shower you with sweet words and pity.

CANDACE. Maybe I’ll surprise you. Maybe I won’t go home. Maybe I’ll run away and change my name. Join the fucking circus.