Alejandro Jodorowsky - The Spiritual Journey of Alejandro Jodorowsky - The Creator of El Topo

Little by little, Magdalena had me turn my head around until there was no place I could not see. I ceased to feel threatened by an enemy hidden in the night that I had harbored in my back.

“Now another matter: If bones are beings, then joints are bridges across which time must pass. Every one of your ages continues to live in you. Infancy is hidden in your feet. If you leave your baby stuck there, he will impede your walk, dragging you into a memory that is both cradle and prison, cutting you off from the future and trapping you in a demand that cannot give or act. Let the energy accumulated in your soles, toes, and the underside of your toes rise up into your legs so that you become a child: dance, play, kick your feet around as if they are a giant you control — but don’t remain there. Invade that seemingly impregnable fortress of your knees. In front, they present an armor to the world, but behind, they offer the intimate sensuality of an adolescent. Knees conquer the world, allowing you to claim your territory as a king claims his. They are the fierce horses of your carriage, but if you don’t persist in rising and maturing further, you will be stuck in your castle. Now move the energy up through the length of your thighs and become an adult. In the joints between your humerus and your pelvis, discover the capacity of opening your legs.

“Now, my hero, you are in front of the sacred column. Every vertebra is a step that leads you from earth to sky. From the grandeur and power of the lumbars, climb toward the emotional dorsals until you arrive at the lucid cervicals to receive the cranium, a treasure chest which culminates in ten thousand petals opening to the luminous energy pouring down from the cosmos. . Now that you have learned to open, don’t go back to being closed.”

At this point, she began to pinch many parts of my skin, stretching it: my chest, shoulders, legs, arms, back of the neck, head, eyelids. . even the scrotum. I felt this last open like a large fan, releasing its blocked energies. This little sack that had always been wrinkled up like bark seemed to let go of its anxiety to protect its sperm and open joyously to the world in an immense smile without fear.

“Toward the outside, now: Stretch into the air, with its hidden perfumes; feel how it reaches into infinity. Let your shoulder blades become wings, offer the skin of your belly like a magnetic cup, absorbing mortal destiny without fear. You skin is not a prison separating you from the world. You do not live enclosed in the illusion that you call ‘inside.’ Let ‘inside’ merge with ‘outside’ so that the hell of separation is finished. Let your body reach out to the six directions: in front, where plans dwell; behind, where ten thousand holy hands are pushing you into life; to the right, where numberless suns arise; to the left, which is both setting and promise of return; below, to the abysses illuminated by the inextinguishable torch; and above, beyond the stars, to that luminous absence where all words fail. Continue to stretch yourself in this way to arrive at the boundary that dissolves into invisible will. Now you feel like an expanding sphere and you discover your center. Recognize this diamond, this eye of fire, the mystery that feeds both good and evil according to how you use it.”

I lost all sense of time. When she had finished stretching my skin, I felt as light as a cloud. I noticed with surprise that it was already midnight.

“This is the hour when the owl’s vision becomes perfect. The earth appears to it like a living creature made of waves of love. One of these waves is food. The mouse knows this and offers itself to the owl without trying to escape. Its essence is immortal; being devoured only changes its form. Like a raptor, you will see the world of love offering you all kinds of nourishment for both body and soul. Accept them without demanding to know what they are, for they come from the deepest part of yourself. On the path, do not speak to anyone. Be content with listening to yourself.”

I left, walking down Insurgentes Avenue. The entire neighborhood was dark due to a power failure, yet I felt no fear. Some thugs walked past me like strips of black velvet, without noticing me. My reality was no longer theirs. In contrast, a huge moth as large as my hand flew up and settled on my chest, beating its wings as if trying to get inside. Was it because it saw my heart shining like a small star?

When I returned the next morning, doña Magdalena was heating a jug of thick liquid immersed in a larger pan of hot water. When the liquid began to boil, she poured into it some plants that she had ground in a mortar. While the liquid cooled, she stirred the mixture until it became solid.

“This is Vaseline to which I have added savory, ylang-ylang, sage, rosemary, and especially marijuana. With this balm, I shall conquer your willfulness. You do not yet want to let go of the rage of your painful memories. They accumulate in your muscles in the form of contractions and these give you the sensation of existing. If you let go of them, allowing your demand to be loved to disappear along with your fears of abandonment and your bitterness, you will feel yourself disappearing. My sad child, you believe that your suffering is who you are. My balm will give energy and pleasure to your skin. You will know physical wellbeing, which will bring peace to your soul. The world will finally cease to be your enemy, you will feel inviolable, you will accept matter as a friend and feel the cosmos is your cradle. Now forget the male; allow the female to appear. . Surrender yourself; do not resist. . cease all activity; become water molded by the form of my hands.”

I was naked and lying on my side as she massaged the balm into my muscles one by one.

“Now be aware of the real sensation of your muscles. Stop seeing them through a mental image of yourself. Every time you catch yourself returning to your mind, return instead to your body sensations. You are not a character in a movie. If you flee the body to take refuge as an mental observer, the mind immediately becomes a dungeon. Come now. . come in further. . more than that! Come into your flesh and stay there to learn humility. You understand? Until now, you thought that humility meant lowering your values, hiding them behind a mask of submission. You must realize that you have been walking through the world without seeing it directly, distracted by what you believed was worthy or unworthy. My child, humility means ceasing to defend your beliefs and prove to others that you have a right to be alive. Let it all go; you have no need to prove anything! Go into your body, uncover it once and for all, relinquish your doubts and defenses, surrender yourself — even if vultures devour your entrails, even if you rot, even if you turn to ashes, let go; every one of your muscles is like a closed box, and I’m going to open them.”

The Vaseline mixed with herbs gave me a physical well-being I had never felt before. With her skillful fingers, Magdalena went over every inch of my muscles, massaging them as if they were the tissues of the fetus of a higher being about to be born. Using her thumbs to push down as she lifted from beneath with her fingers, she stretched them to their sides, as if removing the invisible shell of a huge prawn. This sensation of opening spread throughout my body, causing me to break into sobs. I had kept my most painful memories locked up in these muscles. In my calves I hid the vicious kicks my mother gave me under the table to make me shut up when my grandmother came to eat, because everything I said was apparently some sort of expression of disrespect to this caustic old woman. My right arm harbored the rage against my father, the suppressed punch in the face I had wanted to give him, covering his face in blood for having terrorized me for so many years under the pretext of teaching me courage. In my back, between the spine and shoulder blades, I kept the unbearable absence of caresses during my childhood. And in my ankles, like slashes from a scythe, I hid the sadness of being uprooted from my native village when I was nine years old. In one day, I lost all my friends, my favorite places, the cloudless sky, the smell of the sea and the arid hills, the perpetual caress of the dry air — and acquired a tension in my legs that transformed my agile, light-footed steps into foot-dragging through the streets of strange cities.