Kirshenbaum, Mira - Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

Here are just some of the things people have said they learned were bottom lines for them:

• “If he goes for six months again without wanting to have sex, then I’m out of here and he knows it.”

• “If she ever humiliates me in front of the children again, then I’m ending the relationship.”

• “I know it’s sometimes hard to coordinate two people’s lives, but if I thought he was trying to prevent me from having my own career then it would be all over.”

• “We live like paupers even though we’re not. If he doesn’t give me an adequate budget, I just won’t take it anymore.”

• “This sounds awful but if you knew her record and the damage it’s done me, you’d understand: If she spends more than five hundred bucks again without discussing it with me first, then that’s it.”

• “If he ever goes into the hospital again for depression, even though I’ll feel guilty I’m going to leave.”

• “If his mother comes to live here, that’s his choice, but then I’m moving out. It’s me or her.”

Only you know what your personal bottom lines actually are. Whatever they are, you’ve got to acknowledge them and be prepared to act on them.

Checking for What’s Real

Some people think they don’t have any bottom lines. They see themselves as being very flexible and open-minded. One woman I interviewed said, “Well, I love my husband so there’s nothing he could do that would make it clear to me I had to get out of the relationship. I mean, even if I came home early from work one day and caught him in bed with two high-school girls, well, I’d be hurt and angry and everything but we’d try to work it out.”

This is self-deception. I don’t know what your personal bottom lines are and I would never tell you what they should be, but I know that they exist. If you’re having trouble coming up with yours, say this to yourself: “Even though I love my partner and even though I’d rather be in a relationship than be alone, there are some things that if they were going on would mean I just could no longer be happy or at peace in this relationship.” Then let yourself imagine what those things are for you and put them on the list.

Only you know what your bottom lines are. What I know is that you have them. All the other questions and guidelines in this book are based on things I’ve learned are true for most people, even though they may not realize it at first. Your personal bottom lines are the things you know are true for you even though they may not be true for others. They are the lactose or strawberries or cat hair that’s not a problem for some people but that you can’t tolerate.

It’s up to You

So here’s your chance to say what your bottom lines are. Search your heart, then fill in the blanks. The three spaces I’ve left for each statement are just a suggestion. You might have one bottom line or you might have many.

• “If my partner did

a.

b.

c. then I’d feel I’d have to leave the relationship.”

• ”If my partner didn’t do

a.

b.

c. then I’d feel I’d have to leave the relationship.”

• ”If these things were true about my partner—

a.

b.

c. —then I’d feel I’d have to leave the relationship.”

This is where you can give yourself the opportunity to write down any of your partner’s problems that came up in the previous chapter. If there was something about your partner that he knew was a problem and was willing to change but you don’t know he can change, then you’ve got to decide if the possibility of that problem staying the way it is is a deal breaker for you or not. The possibility of change is very hopeful. But you can’t live on possibilities when realities that might not change go below your bottom line.

In a sense this is a book about happiness. And for you taking care of your happiness means envisioning a lifetime with your partner not changing or changing only slightly. Then be honest with yourself about whether what you see is just an annoyance or disappointment or if it’s something you simply don’t want to spend the rest of your life living with.

The question here is obvious:

Diagnostic question #19. Has your partner violated what for you is a bottom line?

Let’s go right to the guideline.

GUIDELINE #19

If you’ve made it clear what your real bottom lines are and your partner’s violated them anyway, then by definition you will not be happy if you stay and you will only be happy if you leave. Quick take: The bottom line is the end of the line.

You have to be fair, though, in implementing this guideline. You can’t just walk around knowing what your limits are in your own mind, while your partner simply doesn’t have a clue, and then if he crosses the line that was invisible to him, you end the relationship. If you know what your bottom lines are, you must tell your partner. This is particularly important in an iffy relationship in which things are so volatile and up in the air.

For example, for you it might be the end of the line if your partner has an affair. Now, your partner probably knows that if you discovered he was having an affair you would be hurt and angry, but he might be surprised to learn that for you it would mean that your relationship was actually over, if that in fact is the case for you. You’d have to let him know this in advance, because I’ve seen too many relationships blown apart when one person crossed a boundary he didn’t know was there, like those two American oil workers in Kuwait wandering across the desert and accidently walking into Iraq. And this is preventable if you make clear what your boundaries are in advance.

Charlotte’s Story

A problem occurs when you can’t make clear what your boundaries are because you don’t know what they are. And it’s a lot easier not to know what they are than you might think.

Just remember what it was like when you were in love for the first time back when you were a teenager. Back then, nothing was impossible as long as you loved each other. You couldn’t even imagine something spoiling your love feast except your falling out of love. Then one boyfriend or girlfriend did something really lousy and you realized that for you the relationship was over. You didn’t invent your bottom line, you discovered it.

You’re probably not such a kid anymore, so you know yourself a lot better. That means you know some things your partner could do that would mean things were all over between you. But a lot of personal bottom lines can still come as a complete surprise to both of you.

Here’s an unusual example. Charlotte, a self-aware, experienced woman came home early from work one day to find her husband all dressed up in her clothes and wearing her makeup. She was horrified. Even though somewhere inside she felt she should be more broadminded or accepting, she knew immediately that her husband had crossed a bottom line for her. A husband wearing her clothes completely weirded her out.

The problem was that neither of them had known before that moment that it was a bottom line. It had never occurred to Charlotte that her husband would wear her clothes and makeup. And her husband would have guessed that she’d be upset if she found out about it, but it didn’t occur to him that it would in fact mean the end of their relationship.

If This Ever Happens Again

What do you do if your partner crosses some boundary and it’s only then that you discover that it’s a bottom line for you, that a line like that even existed? The rule of thumb that I’ve found works best is that you’ve got to allow yourself the opportunity to establish a bottom line and you’ve got to allow your partner the opportunity to know what your line is.