Kirshenbaum, Mira - Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

So any guideline that says this makes a relationship too good to leave is provisional only. It’s true only as long as nothing else comes along to make it too bad to stay in.

Guideline #5 is absolutely basic. Even some couples in the worst possible shape trying to work out the greatest difficulties have discovered they can answer yes to this question, and that positively pleasurable connection, however small, has provided a basis for working their way back to each other.

But guideline #5 has a special importance for people who are in what clinicians refer to as dead or devitalized or roommate marriages, where the really bad thing that bothers them is that there doesn’t seem to be anything really good. Guideline #5 is a test for whether this is really the case. Some relationships are more cool and distant than others. But if there’s a positively pleasurable connection and you answered yes to question #5, then your relationship may not be as lifeless as you think.

What If Your Answer’s No?

If you’ve been holding your breath this whole time because you answered no to question #5, you can relax. With diagnostic questions, usually one of the answers to a question is more meaningful than the other. You know how it is: If you can jog a mile without getting completely out of breath, that’s a sign you’re in decent shape. But if you can’t, if you have to stop and catch your breath, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve got a medical condition—you just might be out of shape.

In the same way, when it comes to question #5, if you answered no there’s still the possibility that you’ve got a viable relationship. It’s just that you’ve got to work together to find something that you both look forward to doing together that feels good and makes you both feel closer. It might be something you used to do together. It might be something you’ve never done together. If nothing else is seriously wrong, there’s still a chance you can find it.

STEP #6: THE NASTY-STUPID-CRAZY-UGLY-STINKY FACTOR

There’s an even more elemental precondition for love than having something you do together that makes you feel close. It’s so obvious I’d be embarrassed to mention it except for the fact that it’s proved so helpful and reliable for people. You can’t fall in love with somebody you find repulsive, loathsome, and, as Daffy Duck would say, despicable. So if you want to know what to do about your relationship, it’s time we took a look to see if we can rule out what I call the nasty-stupid-crazy-ugly-stinky factor.

Diagnostic question #6 . Would you say that to you your partner is basically nice, reasonably intelligent, not too neurotic, okay to look at, and most of the time smells all right?

This is an unpretentious question. I’m sure that you, like most people stuck in relationship ambivalence, are all too aware of all kinds of unmet needs and unsolved problems. But you can’t let this blind you to a basic issue: suppose you got everything you want and all the problems were solved—would your partner still give you the creeps?

You’re not looking for the most wonderful person in the world with this question. You’re not applying anyone’s standards but your own. You’re not trying to live up to any expectations but the most basic. You’re just looking for animal compatibility, and I use the word animal in the nicest sense of the word.

So would you say that your partner’s essentially a nice person? Not the biggest-hearted person in the world, or even someone who goes out of his way to be kind. But do you have a sense that your partner is the sort of person who doesn’t always grab the last piece of cake for himself?

And would you say that your partner is smart in ways that matter to you? Not that she’s a genius or smarter than you are or even particularly smart in most ways. But would you say that there’s some vein of wisdom or cleverness or common sense that you can tap into and that you respect in your partner?

And would you say that your partner’s reasonably sane (or at least no crazier than most of us)? Indeed we’re all a little crazy in our own ways, so I’m not asking if your partner has no emotional hangups or psychological quirks. But if you remember Jack Nicholson in The Shining or Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction, would you say that your partner’s not like that?

And would you say that your partner still looks pretty good to you? Of course most of us start heading downhill once we hit twenty-four. But the human heart is very forgiving and the human eye can find attractions everywhere, so would you say that on balance you like the way your partner looks?

And would you say that your partner still (believe it or not) smells good to you? Smell is the most emotional of the senses. It’s not that any of us smell like perfume, and as comedian Monica Piper says, “Who wants to smell like a man?” But when your partner’s reasonably clean, do you like the way he smells?

Now suppose your answer to question #6 is yes. Let’s talk about the yes answer. Yes is good.

GUIDELINE #6

If you can say that right now you feel your partner’s reasonably nice, smart, sane, not ugly, and okay smelling to you, you’ve removed an important obstacle to your finding your way back to each other. When people say yes to this question, the possibility of love still exists. Quick take: You just can’t love someone who’s mean, dumb, crazy, ugly, or stinky.

I know we fall in love with people because we feel there’s something special or wonderful about them, some deep connection, some magic chemistry. But before all that can happen, even when it’s a case of love at first sight, there’s at least a moment—an absolutely necessary moment—of what you might call pre-love. It’s a kind of almost animal-like filter where you determine the other person’s basic okayness for you. It’s so basic that we tend to forget it. Question #6 is a reminder.

What if your answer was no? In most cases, that’s not necessarily a bad sign. When I ask people this question, their no’s are often misleading. Remember, they’re stuck in a state of relationship ambivalence. They’ve built up a huge backlog of negatives about the other person. In fact, in most cases when people say their relationship is too good to leave but too bad to stay in, the negatives usually outweigh the positives because it takes an awful lot to make us think of giving up on love.

So, when people say no to question #6, it’s very often an angry, disgruntled, grievance-filled no. It’s a no that’s tainted with hurt and disappointment. They may feel the other person’s not nice because they’ve just had a huge fight, stupid because he doesn’t understand how she feels, crazy because his feelings seem to make no sense, ugly because he’s so angry and damn it because he said he’d lose weight and he didn’t, and stinky because he ... well, because he’s been acting like a stinker. This is not a diagnostically meaningful no. There’s a high probability that negative feelings are clouding your lens and your no answer isn’t a useful indicator for you right now.

A Dead-Certain No

Every once in a while, though, someone answers question #6 like this: They think about it for a while, taking enough time to make sure that they’re not being controlled by the moment. Then suddenly it’s very clear. There is a resigned but dead-certain no. This kind of careful, thoughtful, unmistakable no only happens a small percent of the time with this question, but when it happens it’s a definite sign that there’s a basic discord. If you look your relationship in the face, if you can see it unclouded by superficial hurt and anger, and the nasty-stupid-crazy-ugly-stinky factor stares back at you, then it’s most likely you’ll feel you’ve made the right decision if you leave.