Richard Bandler - Trance–formations. Neuro–Linguistic Programming™ and the Structure of Hypnosis

If she keeps doing it and she can't get ones that will work, then have her redefine the context. If you had her go to her creative part that manifests dreams and dream up new ways, and those ways aren't good enough, then have her go to "the brain center that creates all devious behavior." You can make up anything. Act as if it is real, and it will be.

There are thousands of people in this country today who have a "parent," a "child," and an "adult" in their behavior. They weren't always that way, but they are now. The only clients I ever saw with those behaviors were ones who had been in Transactional Analysis. That is not a criticism of TA. It's a compliment about the flexibility of humanity to create anything, as long as someone else acts as if it's real.

The TA therapists who have come to me for private help always had difficulty with their parts. They couldn't do adult things and have childlike fun doing them, because those are separated in their psy–chotheology. That's a byproduct of their belief system and their psychotherapy.

It seems to me that rather than having a gestalt topdog and underdog that fight, a psychoanalytic unconscious that tortures you wantonly, or a TA parent and child that don't mix very well, or any other aspect of your personality that leads to limitations, you should make up a psychotherapy for each client in which all the parts flexibly generate choices for coping. I want you to have choices. The parts that I make up for you are creative parts that can do anything. I make up an unconscious that is concerned and caring and willing to work on your behalf, because I don't want parts of you that have limitations. You are too good at doing that already.

If any of you want to know more about how to do reframing in a different way, read Frogs into Princes. In the last chapter of that book we do reframing with someone as a demonstration and answer a lot of questions. We also have a book Reframing: The Transformation of Meaning that presents several models of reframing in great detail.

You don't need to put someone into a formal trance in order to do reframing. However, it can be fun as a variation. The basic steps of reframing can also be done in the context of a normal conversation. The only difference is that you need to be more observant to notice the responses you are getting. In a normal conversation you can get the same unconscious responses, but they usually go by more quickly andthat makes them harder to notice.

Let me tell you a funny little story that's an example of how you can reframe someone in a normal conversation. Last year I was visiting a friend in Southern California. I was in a liquor store buying a couple of bottles of champagne for a party we were going to have at his house.

In the liquor store I noticed a little old alcoholic woman. It's quite easy for me to pick out an alcoholic by muscle tonus, skin tone, posture, and breathing, even when she's not loaded. I'm sure all of you who have spent time noticing the difference between alcoholics and non–alcoholics also find it easy to make that distinction. She was short, and although she looked ancient, my guess is she was actually about 65. I nodded to her and smiled and went about my business. I knew the woman behind the cash register, and we made a couple of joking remarks to each other and laughed. This little old lady also laughed and made some comment which was actually pretty funny, and I laughed too.

The old lady turned to me as I was leaving and said "You don't happen to be going up the hill by the Post Office, do you?" I said "I'd be delighted to give you a lift home. I'll wait outside in my car."

She came out, got in the car, and we started driving. As she sat on the seat next to me, she was wringing her hands and looking over at me furtively. It was obvious to me that somehow I'd tapped something inside of her. Finally she said "Why do you drink?"

I did my best to keep from laughing, because she was obviously wondering why she drank but making a referential index shift. I said "Well, personally, I drink for taste. I drink very fine wines, and I drink champagnes. I don't particularly like the taste of whiskey, so I don't drink whiskey, and I drink beer when I'm at the beach and it's hot." And then I said "But that's not really the question you want to ask me. The question you want to ask me is 'Why do you drink?' " That was such a good match for her experience that she burst into tears.

Crying wasn't useful for me, and it wasn't useful for her, either. I looked outside and saw a dog walking along. I pointed at it and exclaimed "LOOK! IS THAT YOUR DOG?" just as a way to get her to stop crying. Because of the urgency in my voice, she responded congruently to my question. She looked out, then looked back at me confused, and said "I don't even have a dog." But she had stopped crying entirely, which was the point of the maneuver.

Then I told her a story. "Well, you know, that dog reminds me of this little dog that I knew—a very small dog—that lived in San Francisco. This dog believed that nobody in the world understood it. That's what the dog told me, and the dog was almost right. Because it was true that almost nobody in the world really understood her. And the dog didn't realize that there is a big difference between no one understanding it and almost no one understanding her." She burst into tears again.

We continued driving, and soon she said "You're right, the question is 'Why do I drink?' "

"And even that is the wrong question" I said. "Your whole life you've been asked that question, and you've been asking yourself the question 'Why do 1 drink?' Everybody's been saying 'Why do you drink?' but you've been made a fool of. Not only did you ask me the wrong question, but you've been asking yourself the wrong question for the last 30 years. Everybody around you has been asking you the wrong question, and they've made a fool out of you by focusing your attention on that question, because it's not the right question."

I pulled into her driveway. She looked over at me, and first she said "Who are you really?" I just smiled. Then she said "Well, are you going to tell me what the right question is?"

"Well, I'll tell you under one condition. The condition is this: after I finish telling you, I'll reach over and touch you on the shoulder. When you feel my touch on your shoulder, you'll get up, walk out, go into your house, and begin to find answers to the question I give you. As soon as you know what the answer is, you'll call me." And I gave her my friend's phone number.

She said "OK. I agree." So I said "Well, the question is not 'Why do you drink?' the question is (slowly) 'What would you do if you didn't drink? "

Immediately her whole demeanor changed. Different expressions began tumbling past one another on her face. She went through breathing, skin–color, and posture changes. That was precisely what I'd wanted. She'd never considered what else she'd do if she didn't drink. She went into a fairly deep trance, and I let her sit there for two or three minutes, and then I reached over and touched her on the shoulder. She roused a little bit, got out of the car, and went into her house.

Five minutes after I got to my friend's house the telephone rang, and sure enough it was this woman. She said "Is that really you? … I just wanted to tell you that you saved a life this afternoon, 1 was going home to commit suicide. But I decided I just didn't know how to answer that question, and I want to tell you that. I don't know what it meant to you, but that is the single most beautiful question in the world."

I said "I don't care whether you like the question or whether you believe it's the most beautiful question in the world. That's not my interest. My interest is in the answer to that question. And you call me tomorrow with several answers to that question."