Vince Houghton - Nuking the Moon - And Other Intelligence Schemes and Military Plots Left on the Drawing Board

LASER. WEAPONS. Like in the movies. What the hell? What will those crazy Russians think of next? Oh yeah, this:

We have developed unmanned submersible vehicles that can move at great depths (I would say extreme depths) intercontinentally, at a speed multiple times higher than the speed of submarines, cutting-edge torpedoes and all kinds of surface vessels, including some of the fastest. It is really fantastic. They are quiet, highly manoeuvrable and have hardly any vulnerabilities for the enemy to exploit. There is simply nothing in the world capable of withstanding them.

Okay, I’ve been somewhat snarky up to this point, but even I’ll admit, that’s kind of cool.

The tests that were conducted enabled us to begin developing a new type of strategic weapon that would carry massive nuclear ordnance.

Stealthy, super-fast, nuclear-powered submarine drones armed with massive nuclear weapons. Great.

Making matters worse, Russian military documents leaked in 2015 suggested that the new submarine drone could carry a nuclear warhead in the 50-megaton range, which would equal the strength of the largest nuclear device ever detonated (the Soviet Tsar Bomba test of 1961), thousands of times more powerful than the bombs dropped on Japan.

Underwater nukes? Stealthy drone submarines? Secret Russian weapons systems?

UNLEASH THE MAN-MADE TSUNAMI SPECULATION! RELEASE THE KRAKEN!

Yesssss. It had been far too quiet for far too long. But after Putin’s speech, here we go again.

Within hours of the announcement, some “experts” were arguing that a nuclear weapon with a yield (power) in the range of 20 to 50 megatons, detonated near a seacoast, could certainly create enough energy to recreate the 2011 Japanese tsunami, and perhaps much more. Waves even as high as 330 feet are “possible,” they argued.

Sigh.

But wait, there’s more.

“Experts” also pointed out that an underwater nuclear explosion near a seashore via super-stealthy Russian drone submarines could suck up tons of radioactive ocean stuff and rain it down on the shore. So if you are walking along the beach after one of these goes off, don’t pick up the glow-in-the-dark seashells.

Fortunately, several responsible journalists decided to interview scientists who might have a better idea about the physics of nuclear weapons. One of these scientists, a man who is actually a nuclear weapons physicist at Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory, was asked to weigh in. He answered that maybe you could cause a large wave, but he insists, “It would be a stupid waste of a perfectly good nuclear weapon.”

As we now know, it takes a huge amount of energy to create a tsunami, and even the most powerful nuclear weapon is a drop in the bucket compared to the tsunami that hit Japan. The Tohoku tsunami released about 9.3 million megatons of energy, more than 150,000 times as much as the Tsar Bomba—or any of the modern nuclear weapons Russia’s submarine drone could carry.

Okay, fine. But what about all that deadly radiation spewed into the air, beaches, and sunbathers of American coastal cities?

Not such a big deal, apparently. Most of it would be trapped in the water droplets and would fall back into the ocean just a short distance from the detonation. Only a very small fraction would make it onto shore.

So don’t eat the fish, but feel free to set up your beach chair and get back to work on that tan.

Finally, it’s important that we take all of Vladimir Putin’s pronouncements with a grain of salt. Okay, maybe a pound of salt.

We don’t know all that much about the testing that has gone into this new stealth submarine drone, nor do we know how well his laser guns are going to perform in real combat, but if the new nuclear-powered cruise missile is any indication, we have very little to worry about. Sure, it’s possible that you might be reading this book by the eerie light of the afterglow of a nuclear holocaust. In that case, my bad. But in 2018 the Russians tested their cruise missiles, again and again. And they crashed, again and again. The most successful test, by far, lasted only two minutes, and the missile traveled a whopping twenty-two miles before it nosedived into the Russian countryside.

So don’t leave your seaside paradise and move to Nebraska just yet. Enjoy the time while you can. In fifteen years it’ll be underwater anyway.

Tucked into the Northwest quadrant of Washington, DC, is the idyllic neighborhood of Glover Park. With tranquil parks, highly rated public schools, neighborhood gardens, quaint row houses, delicious restaurants, and one of the lowest crime rates in DC, it’s not hard to see why this area’s average home price is in the ballpark of $1 million.

And if you can cobble together all that money and move here one day, you’ll have some interesting neighbors.

At 2650 Wisconsin Ave NW—just up the road from the official residence of the vice president of the United States—is the embassy of the Russian Federation. But that shouldn’t really be a big deal, since embassies are mostly filled with policy wonks and paper pushers. Right?

In capital cities around the world, embassies are hotbeds of espionage—ground zero for spooks and spies. And there are concrete, logical reasons for this dynamic. Mostly it comes down to the fact that in many cases (depending on the nationality of the embassy and the city where the embassy is located), a solid chunk of embassy personnel are not employed by state departments or foreign ministries. They’re employed by intelligence agencies. They might not reveal to you that they are employed by an intel agency, but don’t be fooled when the “diplomat” you meet in a bar in DC tells you he is the “second deputy agricultural attaché” for the Krasnovian embassy. This guy is a spook. Even though his business card says his name is Vlad and lists his job as the “Minister of Shrubberies” for the Krasnovian People’s Democratic Republic… he’s not.

This is what is referred to in the intelligence world as an “official cover.” While “Vlad’s” day job might legitimately include some light hedge pruning, in the evenings he is out scouting for potential recruits, assets who could provide his country with your country’s secrets. The great thing about this for “Vlad” is that if he’s caught spying by your country’s counterintelligence officers, he has diplomatic immunity (since his “official” posting is with the embassy), and the best you can do is to declare him persona non grata and kick his spying ass out of the country.

So reason number one for why embassies are so important for espionage is that they provide cover and protection for intelligence officers. Reason number two is more straightforward: Embassies are where really important conversations take place. Conversations about national policy, both in regard to the host country and, more broadly, toward the world in general. Conversations between ambassadors and heads of state, between policymakers and policy enactors. Conversations about military readiness, treaty obligations, alliances and partnerships, trade policy, immigration policy, economic policy, and so on and so forth.

It’s a potential treasure trove of vital information. A smorgasbord of scintillating intelligence. A veritable plethora of tasty tidbits—on adversaries and friends alike.

That is, if you can get your hands on it.

The Soviets went first.It started in August 1945, even before the end of the Second World War, when the United States and the Soviet Union were still nominally allies. A delegation from the Young Pioneer organization of the Soviet Union (think the Boy Scouts, but for commies) presented American ambassador Averell Harriman with a hand-carved wooden plaque of the Great Seal of the United States as a “gesture of friendship,” to commemorate the wartime collaboration between the two nations. Harriman, the consummate diplomat, decided to hang the plaque on the wall of his study in Spaso House, the residence of the U.S. ambassador in Moscow. I bet it really tied the room together.