Daniel Goleman: The Force for Good

Even the Dalai Lama concedes that humans will always create conflict — clashes of ideas are only natural. In order to cope with such clashes, good communication and mutual understanding are vital. In fact, it’s easier to create a healthy dialogue than you think.

There are a handful of basic moves that you can turn to during a confrontation with another. The first is as simple as saying something positive about the other person and something positive about yourself.

That’s exactly what philosopher A. J. Ayer did in 1987 at a high-society party in New York. Notified that somebody was being assaulted, Ayer rushed to the scene to find Mike Tyson forcing himself on then-unknown Naomi Campbell.

Ayer insisted that Tyson stop, to which Tyson asked him, “Don’t you know who the (expletive) I am? I’m Mike Tyson, heavyweight champion of the world.”

Ayer replied, “And I am the former Wykeham Professor of Logic. We are both preeminent men in our field; I suggest we talk about this like rational men.” While they talked, Campbell slipped safely out of the room.

In this situation, Ayer demonstrated commendable emotional intelligence. By saying something positive about Tyson and about himself, he established the foundation for an open dialogue on a level playing field.

But what if you’re facing a conflict that’s been around for months, years, even centuries? The solution is simple: friendship between individuals.

To prove that this approach really works, social psychologist Thomas Pettigrew tracked down more than 500 studies from more than 38 countries, with responses from a quarter of a million people. He found that time and time again, an emotional involvement with someone from an opposing group, be it a friendship or a romance, was enough to overcome prejudice.

What parent doesn’t want their kid to get good grades? Although it seems healthy to encourage children to pursue academic success, it can lead to immense pressure and emotional damage. In a world where academic achievement is everything, the Dalai Lama believes that modern schooling needs a reform that prioritizes the heart.

One way to educate the heart is through mind training. Mind training is not the same as learning facts, figures and historical dates. Rather, training the mind centers on improving a student’s ability to concentrate, regulate and reflect on their thoughts.

Simran Deol, an eleventh-grader, sat with her eyes fixed on a dot in front of her while wearing a helmet that measured her concentration levels. Her concentration soon began to waver, so the Dalai Lama reminded Simran that, when training our mind, it’s useful to make a distinction between the mental and sensory levels of thought.

As Simran observed the dot, her mind was focused on it on the sensory level. But this focus was hindered by other sounds and sensations. In order to sharpen her focus, Simran began to concentrate on the dot within the mental plane as well; this meant holding the image in her mind’s eye.

Her concentration made a striking improvement, demonstrating the power of a rather simple, but very useful technique. Just think of all the times when you know you could have made a better choice if you had just been more concentrated on the task at hand!

Today’s children are tomorrow’s leaders, so we should equip them with what they really need: powerful, reliable ethics and the capacity for living by compassionate values.

Using mind training exercises like the one performed by Simran, the Dalai Lama’s proposed education of the heart covers the basics of how the mind works: the dynamics of our emotions; skills for healthy regulation of emotional impulse; the cultivation of attention, empathy and caring; learning to handle conflicts nonviolently; and, above all, a sense of oneness with humanity.

Though the current global situation can often seem quite dire, we’ve got a lot to be thankful for — it’s all a matter of perspective. Think about it: in the past, when nations declared war, citizens would proudly join in the violence. These days, people are fed up with the glorification of war, and strong movements for peace have shaken the political foundations of countries around the world.

Looking at things in the long-term can help us stay optimistic, even when the present seems overwhelmingly grim. The late Carl Friedrich von Weizsäcker, a German philosopher and the Dalai Lama’s tutor in quantum physics, recalls how the German and French were once bitter enemies. Yet within von Weizsäcker’s lifetime, Charles de Gaulle, who had led the Free French Army against the Nazis, became close friends with the German chancellor Konrad Adenauer.

The two leaders joined forces to support the formation of the European Union. De Gaulle and Adenauer’s actions resulted in a positive change in Europe that would have been unimaginable during the Second World War.

Today, peaceful relations between certain countries at war seems equally unimaginable, especially when we watch the news. Of course, the function of mass media is to inform us about current problems and threats. This can give us the impression that compassion among humans has long since disappeared, and that the cruelty will only escalate as each new day brings another round of frightening headlines.

But we must remember that, on any given day, the amount of kindness in the world vastly exceeds the incidents of cruelty — we just rarely hear about the positive side of things. What if more positive news was spread? Perhaps then we would see that kindness, not cruelty, is at the heart of human interaction, and would act accordingly

Being able to maintain a positive attitude is vital, as is the ability to act on it and persist . Rather than simply talking about creating change, we’ve got to just do it.

The Reverend Bill Crews runs a range of humanitarian projects in Sydney, Australia, from soup kitchens to homeless shelters and free health clinics, or even providing reading tutors for underprivileged schoolchildren.

When the Dalai Lama visited, even he put on an apron over his monk’s robes and joined Bill Crews while serving food. And that’s what each and every one of us needs to do: get involved. It doesn’t matter who you are, where you are or what means you have; we all have the potential to take action.

The Dalai Lama firmly believes that the power to create change lies far more in the hands of individuals, than in the hands of organizations, governments or dictators. No matter how comprehensive a set of top-down changes may be, you simply can’t force people to be compassionate. So don’t wait for society to change — change yourself, and provide an example for others.

So how can you start? It depends on you. As the Dalai Lama says: “Everyone can find a context where they make a difference. The human community is nothing but individuals combined.”

The key message in this book:

In a world of rampant cruelty and suffering, it’s time to make a change — and it all starts with you. The power for change lies with individuals and their ability to shift away from self-interest and negativity, and toward compassion and positive action.

Actionable advice:

Breath deeply to eliminate fear and anxiety.

Next time you need to calm down, try this. Take a deep breath, filling your lungs; hold it in for two or three seconds and then let the air out slowly. Take five to ten deep breaths this way. If you need help focusing fully on your breathing, you can think of mental cues: “in” while inhaling, “out” while exhaling. Or, imagine tension draining from your body as you exhale.