Lori Gottlieb - Mr Good Enough - The case for choosing a Real Man over holding out for Mr Perfect

Mr

Good Enough

LORI GOTTLIEB

The Case for

Choosing a Real Man Over Holding Out for Mr Perfect

For my husband, whoever you are.

Cover

Title Page Mr Good Enough LORI GOTTLIEB The Case for Choosing a Real Man Over Holding Out for Mr Perfect

Prologue: The Husband Store

PART ONE: How Did We Get Here?

1: The Dating Trenches

2: The Romantic Comedy That Predicted My Future

3: How Feminism Fucked Up My Love Life

4: Speed Dating Disaster

PART TWO: From Fantasy to Reality

5: Older, and Wanting to Be Wiser

6: $3,500 for Love

7: The What Versus the Why

8: Mondays with Evan: Session One: The Percentages

9: It’s Not Him, It’s You

PART THREE: Making Smarter Choices

10: Don’t Be Picky, Be Happy

11: Mondays with Evan: Session Two: The Wrong Assumptions

12: The Men Who Got Away

13: Pulling Another Sheldon

14: Mondays with Evan: Session Three: The Lowdown

15: What First Dates Really Tell Us

16: Are Wo men Pickier Than Men?

PART FOUR: What Really Matters

17: Mondays with Evan Session Four: Wants Versus Needs

18: The Business of Love

19: Love at Twenty-seventh Sight

20: Mondays with Evan: Session Five: The Chemistry-to-Compatibility Ratio

21: Dump the List, Not the Guy

PART FIVE: Putting It All Together

22: The Good Enough Marriage

23: A Visit with the Rabb

24: Claire’s Story—Getting Over Myself

25: Alexandra’s Story—Mr. Right in Front of Me

26: Hilary’s Story—Finding What I Needed

27: My Story—A Dating Public Service Announcement

Epilogue: Where They Are Now

Acknowledgments

ALSO BY LORI GOTTLIEB

Copyright

About the Publisher

The events and facts presented in this book are true and based upon my reallife experiences and research. Names and personal details of some of my friends and others who appear in the book have been changed or, in a few instances, composites created either at the individual’s request or out of my concern for their privacy.

You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep

because reality is finally better than your dreams.

—Widely attributed to Dr. Seuss

A NEW STORE HAS OPENED. A HUSBAND STORE! THERE‘S A SIGN AT THE ENTRANCE:

YOU MAY VISIT THE HUSBAND STORE ONLY ONCE. THERE ARE SIX FLOORS, AND THE VALUE OF THE PRODUCTS INCREASE ON EACH SUCCESSIVE FLOOR. THE SHOPPER CAN CHOOSE ANY ITEM FROM A PARTICULAR FLOOR, OR GO UP TO SHOP ON THE NEXT FLOOR, BUT SHE CANNOT GO BACK DOWN EXCEPT TO EXIT THE BUILDING.

So, a woman goes into the store. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

FLOOR I— MEN WHO HAVE GOOD JOBS.

“That’s nice,” she thinks, “but I want more.” So she continues upward, where the sign reads:

FLOOR 2—MEN WHO HAVE GOOD JOBS AND LOVE KIDS.

She’s intrigued, but continues to the third floor, where the sign reads:

FLOOR 3—MEN WHO HAVE GOOD JOBS, LOVE KIDS, AND ARE EXTREMELY HANDSOME.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

FLOOR 4—MEN WHO HAVE GOOD JOBS, LOVE KIDS, ARE EXTREMELY HANDSOME, AND HELP EQUALLY WITH THE HOUSEWORK.

“It can’t get better than this!” she exclaims. But then a voice inside her asks, “Or can it?” She goes up and reads the sign.

Floor 5—MEN WHO HAVE GOOD JOBS, LOVE KIDS, ARE EXTREMELY HANDSOME, HELP EQUALLY WITH THE HOUSEWORK, AND HAVE A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR.

Having found what she’s looking for, she’s tempted to stay, but something propels her to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

FLOOR 6—YOU ARE VISITOR 42,215,602 TO THIS FLOOR. THERE ARE NO MEN ON THIS FLOOR. THIS FLOOR ONLY EXISTS TO PROVE THAT WOMEN ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO PLEASE. THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING AT THE HUSBAND STORE.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a Wife Store right across the street.

The first floor has wives who Love Sex.

The second floor has wives who Love Sex and Are Kind.

The third floor has wives who Love Sex, Are Kind, and Like Sports.

The fourth, fifth, and sixth floors have never been visited.

—My version of an old joke about choosing a husband

Okay, here they are. The qualities, off the top my head and in no particular order, that would be on my shopping list if I visited a Husband Store.

• Intelligent

• Kind

• Extremely funny

• Curious

• Loves kids

• Financially stable

• Emotionally stable

• Sexy

• Romantic

• Passionate

• Compassionate

• Irreverent

• Intuitive

• Generous

• Same religion but not too religious

• Optimistic but not naive

• Ambitious but not a workaholic

• Talented but humble

• Warm but not clingy

• Grounded but not boring

• Soulful but not new-agey

• Vulnerable but not weak

• Quirky but not weird

• Free-spirited but responsible

• Charismatic but genuine

• Strong but sensitive

• Athletic but not a sports nut

• Open-minded but has conviction

• Decisive but not bossy

• Mature but not old

• Creative but not an artist

• Supportive of my dreams and goals

• Has a sense of wonderment about the world

• Is close to my age (shares my cultural references)

• Good listener and communicator

• Flexible and can compromise

• Sophisticated—well-educated, well-traveled, has been around

• Over 5’10” but under 6’0”

• Has a full head of hair (wavy and dark would be nice—no blonds)

• Has shared political views

• Has shared values

• Is not into sci-fi or comic books

• Has good taste/sense of aesthetics

• Health-conscious and physically fit

• Cares about the community at large

• Cares about animals

• Competent

• Handy around the house

• Cooks

• Likes the outdoors (hiking, biking, Rollerblading)

• Likes my friends (and I like his)

• Not moody

• Trustworthy

• Is a team player

• Is literary and enjoys wordplay

• Is math- or science-oriented

• Likes discussing (but not arguing about) politics and world events

• Stylish

• Stimulating

• Not a slob—respectful of our living space

• Is madly in love with me

Actually, this isn’t my current list. This is what I started off with when I sat down to write this book. I’d never made a “list” before, but a married friend put me up to it. I told her I didn’t have a list, and she insisted I did, even if it only existed in my head.

“I can’t quantify what I’m looking for,” I said. “I always just fell in love.”

But she was right: It took me all of three minutes to give a detailed description of my ideal guy. Even if I’d never written a list, I clearly kept a mental file. Then she took it a step further: Hone down the list to make it more realistic.

I gave it a try. I crossed off some easy items—he doesn’t have to know how to cook (besides, he could always learn); if he’s 5’7” instead of 5’10", I could live with that. But even as I eliminated some qualities, I found it hard to get rid of most entirely. Maybe I could compromise on “funny,” but where do you draw the line between a guy whose banter makes your heart race and one whose sense of humor merely makes you smile? On a sliding scale, how much passion would he need to be considered “passionate”?