Михаил Курсеев - Anecdotes. Humor from Russia

Editor Михаил Курсеев

Translator Андрей Мозжухин

© Андрей Мозжухин, translation, 2018

ISBN 978-5-4493-0648-7

Created with Ridero smart publishing system

***

Once a Russian, an American and a Jew met:

The American says:

– Let’s meet at my place, I will arrange for snacks (he is naming a hell of dainty dishes)

The Russian says:

– Well then, I will come with a carton of vodka!

The Jew says:

– And me, I will come with my brother.

***

An Arab is toiling along a desert. Suddenly, he sees a vendor kiosk with a Jew in a serving hatch. The Arab addresses him:

– Have a heart, give me some water.

– I have no water, but I can sell you a red tie.

– Why, the hell, should I have a tie in the desert? You’d better give water!

– I told you, I have n water. Bu there is a restaurant in a mile. My brother is its owner. Go there, he will give you water.

In an hour the Arab crept back with his tongue hanging out.

– OK, man, sell me your fucking tie.

– What’s the matter?

– Your brother didn’t let me in without a tie!

***

Making a visit with:

American: with self-esteem and dignity.

Russian: with a bottle of vodka.

French: with an inamorata.

Jew: with the wife and a cake.

Returning from guests:

American: with self-esteem and dignity

Russian: with ta black eye.

French: with the host’s wife

Jew: with the wife and a cake.

What do they think of on return:

American “Did I lose my self-esteem?”

Russian: “Will Svetka let me in or kick me off?”

French: “There is still a daughter”

Jew: “There are still oranges”

***

– Tanechka, it seems to me that I am pregnant.

– And what are the signs?

– I am sick of work and I really want to be by a salty sea.

***

A mother of a second-former calls her friend. Her son is also a second-former.

– Have you done your sons math homework?

– Yes, I have.

– May I cheat it off?

***

A husband asks his wife in the morning:

– What did you think of at night, when I came home with a black eye?

– Nothing at all. Then there was no black eye.

***

A husband told his wife in the morning:

– Honey, I thought over to-night and decided that I will no more quarrel and argue with you.

– You just look at him…..he decided…..but did you ask me?

***

– Darling, let’s give your mother money for her birthday gift

– You mean fifty thousand

– Oh, my! Is she five centuries old?

***

A husband and a wife quarrel.

A wife:

– I won’t go with you anywhere.

– But why then did you put on such dress and make-up as a beauty?

– Just, I want you to see what a beauty didn’t go with you.

***

Tsilia talks with Moysha:

– Come to me this evening, my husband will go out.

– How will I know that your husband’s gone?

– I will throw a penny in the window. It will ting and you may come.

In the evening Moysha came under Tsilia’s window. Tsilia threw the penny. In ten minutes she stepped out on the balcony and shouted in the darkness:

– Moysha, are you here?

– Out there.

– What are you doing there?

– Looking for the penny.

– Look at this make-up of a Jew – Tsilia sighed – I have lifted it on a thread already.

***

A phone buzzer sounded in the apartment, while the dad-lawyer and the mom-medicolegist were out. The son has lifted a handset and having been asked to call the parents answered the call:

– My dad is in the prison and my mom is in the mortuary…

***

– Darling, since we started to give money to our son for good school grades, he is having “fives” only. You see, I hit the mark.

– Yes, honey, but it just seems that he shares money with the teacher.

***

A daughter calls mother and complained about her husband:

– Mom, he refused to eat the rice I cooked for him.

The mother advises:

– My dear child, tell him how much you aimed to please him boiling that rice for him.

– Wow, should I have boiled it?

***

A m an comes home with big box of candies and asks his four children:

– Who obeys the mother always, who never argues with her, who does everything she asks to – that’s who will have these candies. Who do you think he is?

The kids replied in chorus:

– It’s YOU! And are there any candies for us, daddy?

***

An artist is painting a nude model. After that he suggests her to relax and a cup of tea. She puts her cloths on, they drink tea and talk about sundry matters. By and by they got carried away, and all of a sudden a doorbell rang.

The horror-stricken artist cried out:

– It’s my wife! Get undressed fast!

***

Two towny boys come home slobbered over the seen at the pig farm. The elder one tells mother:

– Mom, we saw a pig at the farm that was much thicker and fattier than you!

The mother slaps the son on the head in hysterics and starts to cry bitterly.

The younger son tries to calm her down, palms her and says”

– Calm down, mom… There is not any pig in the whole world thicker than you.

***

A husband and a wife are making love. Suddenly a doorbell rings. The wife’s mother came. The three sit at the table, drinking tea.

The mother asks: – You don’t seem cheery, son, do you? How do you feel like?

The son: – As a rabbit!

The mother: – How come?

The son: – Because I was torn from my favorite affair and made to look at the anaconda!

***

A husband: – Honey, go to bed without me to-day, we’ll have an in-company party – you know, this and that. I don’t know how long I will linger over there.

A wife: – Darling, better tell me, until what hour I can surely count on?

***

– Excuse me, young man, can you tell me the time?

– I can, but roughly.

– Please, don’t torment…

– Wednesday, evening….

***

Internet dating.

– I saw your picture on the Internet, you look so beautiful. Let’s meet.

– No, I cannot, I am beautiful only pictured.

***

– Doctor, I had an early night yesterday, as you advised me, but still didn’t have enough sleep.

– Sounds strange, but why?

– I was thinking almost the whole night: What a good idea was it to have an early night to-day.

***

A frum Jewess bought a parrot and brought it home just to hear:

– Good day, my name is Sarrochka. I want to fuck.

Naturally, the lady fell unconscious and when she came around she ran to the rabbi for advice.

The rabbi said:

– Don’t worry, go to my friends who have two frum parrots that pray to God from morning till night – they will civilize your Sarrochka.

The lady did so. She went to the rabbi’s friends, told them the whole story and put the shmatte off the cage to hear again:

– Good day, my name is Sarrochka. I want to fuck.

Then one of the host parrots tells the other:

– Senya, at last, the Lord has heard our prayers.

***

– Why are you divorcing?

– She is not talking to me half a year already.

– Take your time and think twice. It’s not so easy to find such a wife.

***

– Surely, you can… if you want to..

A wife praised a husband as she caught him nodding on the girl next door.