Михаил Курсеев - Anecdotes. Humor from Russia

***

A son asks his father:

– Dad, where the babies come from in the families?

– They are brought by the stork.

– You mean, that one with the long nose?

– Yup!

– The one that lives in the south?

– Well, of course!

– Then I saw him, he came to mom, when you had been away on business trip.

***

A man comes to his friend and finds him playing cards with his dog. Surprised, he asks the friend:

– Is your dog so wise that he plays poker?

– No, he is stupid, I invariably win, cause he always wags his tail if the biddable hand comes.

***

An old top asks a sales clerk un the store: – Do you have a swimming cap? – No. – And a hockey-stick? – No. – Then, skies? – No! This is actually a liquor shop… – OK, then, give me a bottle of vodka, – and silently to himself, – God is my witness, that I wanted to sport.

***

A boy went on to bicycle.

Soon he comes back home driving a fancy Mercedes!

The parents ask him surprisingly:

– Whose Benz is it?

– Mine. I bought it.

– Well, do you know its cost?

– Sure, I do! A lady from that villa stopped me in the street and told: “Hey, you are such a big boy but ride a two-wheeled so far. Buy a Benz from me for 50 rubles”. Well, I bought it.

Mom and Dad ran to that lady.

– You sold the Benz to our son for fifty rubles, didn’t you?

– I did, let him drive for his joy.

– But why? How come?

– You know, my husband told me that he would travel on business, but actually he flew to Canaries with his young office girl. He called me from there and told that he had overspent, so he asked me to urgently sell the car and to send him money. That’s exactly what I did!

***

A married couple comes to a store/

The wife says:

– Give me 10 kilos of red offals.

The surprised butcher asked:

– Why do you want so much?

The wife:

– It’s for the dog!

The husband:

– But we don’t have a dog.

The wife:

– Don’t yap!

***

Human brain is a unique device. It functions non-stop the whole day. Until you switch on TV set.

***

A young lady drove in her car to a repair shop.

A mechanic opens the moto hood and sees a message inside:

– She cannot handle the stick. I won’t pay for repairs. Her husband.

The mechanic closes the bonnet and says:

– Sorry, we cannot help you anyhow.

The surprised lady reacted:

– Very strange, but this is the seventh shop with no skilled technician….

***

A young Jew comes to a firm about to go bankrupt and applies for a job. He doesn’t ask for any salary and is ready to work for the moderate sale fee. The firm has nothing to lose and they employed him. In a week the firm’s proceeds from sales increased in dozens times. The CEO comes personally to see how the new employee works and sees the following:

– You need a hooklet… (the employee says to the client). And do you have an angling line?

– No.

– Then take this, it’s thicker… and do you prefer fishing rod or spinning reel?

– Fishing rod.

– Then take this, it’s the best one. But with this it’s better to angle from a boat. Do you have one?

– No.

– Now, I recommend this two-seat rubber boat.

– Good.

– Heigh, how you will carry all that, you need a good car trailer, multi-purpose, will this do?

– It will.

– What car will you fix it to?

– Mercedes 600.

– Come on, it’s not a car to go angling, you need a jeep, off-roader with full speed across country… and we have Land Cruiser, will you take it?

– I will.

– Your bill comes to USD 62,000, please, pay at the desk.

The boss comes close to him.

– That’s a good boy. Wow, starting with the hooklet you upsell the fisher that way!

– Actually, he came to buy pads for his wife. But I told him that if his wife has a period, there is no use sitting home for three days.

***

A mental physician at the asylum decided to follow up his work. He got three nutters together and asked the first one:

– Tell me, buddy, what do 1 +1 make?

– One thousand….

– Nuff said! Three months’ work down the plughole.

Then he asks the second of the same:

– May be you know what is 1 +1?

– A brick…

– Now we know with you too. He refers to the third person

– Now, what would you say?

– 2…

– Say that again?

– 2…

– Attaboy! Good for you! Tell me, how did you make it?

– Doc, it’s very simple. I divided one thousand by a brick.

***

– Mom, are you an Indian?

– What’s that, sonnie?

– Why the sculp lies on your bedside table?

***

A surgeon tells to an inmate who awaked after general anesthesia:

– The operation was effective, you shouldn’t have cried and boiled over so.

– But what have I got to do? Doc, I’ve come to the hospital to do the windows.

***

– Dear, I have a naughty dream of you.

– And what I’ve been up to with you?

– You came and screwed everything up.

***

A small boy comes to music class, opens the violin case, and wow… there is a machine gun!

A teacher got a shock:

– What does it all mean?

The boy drew a sigh:

– Only that my father went to a bank with the violin.

***

Odessa, a Jew meets a friend and tells him:

– I decided to make the birthday gift to my Sarah. I will present her with an opera!

– She seemed to dream of Mercedes.

– Well, where, on Earth, I can find a fake Mercedes?

***

A Russian is asked:

– Do you love your country?

– I do!

– Are you ready to die for it?

– Definitely ready.

A Jew is asked the same;

– Do you love your country?

– I do.

– Will you die for it?

– No.

– Why not?

– Who then will love the homeland?

***

A girl-friend tells her playmate:

– If you want your husband to buy you a fur coat, you should ask him about this during sex right along.

They meet again in some time:

– So, did you get your fur coat?

– No, and now no sex too.

***

A father, a mother and a son are driving back home after staying out.

The mother says:

– Sonny, do you know that she has two University degrees, helps her parents, a clever girl with a good position at work and dresses as a model, she doesn’t roam the clubs, doesn’t smoke, she is the bachelor’s wife. I don’t understand, why didn’t you like her?

– Yeah, mom, calm down, I liked her, she is good….

– Well, sonny, I don’t know who is still you want, that way you ain’t gonna marry ever! And you, daddy, why don’t you tell him something?

– What can I say, I didn’t see if she has tits also.

***

A daughter asks her mother:

– What kind of package do the men have?

– The men’s packages are of three types, my dear child: when a man is 20, his mancock is like a oak – firm and hard; when a man is between thirty and forty, it’s like a birch – it bends, but it’s steady-going; and when a man is over fifty – his package is like a Christmas tree.

– You said – Christmas tree?

– Yes. The roots are stone dead and the globes are just Christmas balls.

***

A wife asks a husband:

– Dear, my cell phone money dried up, may I use yours to call my female friend?

A husband: Sure thing!