Ihar Navitski - Confession of the kept woman

That summer, a new military family appeared in our village. The head of the family repaid his homeland in one of the fraternal countries and went into reserve. The family had two sons. One is my age, the other is older. The family is sociable. The guys were smart, I especially liked the older one. His name was Vadim. I do not want to say that he was handsome, as in the pictures of fashion magazines, but he had the pageantry of that time. Firstly, his clothes. He didn’t dress as stereotyped as our guys. Everything was selected with taste. His demeanor sharply put him on a higher level among our local guys, for which they did not like him.

Several of my friends immediately began to run after Vadim. He chose me. Of course, these friends immediately ceased to be friends. I was worried about this for a long time and only then I realized that there were no friendship in love. I have been guided by this principle all my life. Happiness loves silence. If possible, do not boast much of happiness.

Vadim noticed my attitude towards him immediately. He was already an adult, as it seemed to me then, a guy, he was 23 years old. He was not embarrassed by my age. At first I doubted, because for me it was the first time to have a serious, as I thought, relationship at that time. But feelings prevailed, and I decided to get to know the guy better.

I did not even think about sex then. I knew about it, like most of my girlfriends, only from stories. I was a girl. For me, sex in those years was still so far away. It may sound strange somehow, but Vadim made sex close. I kept wondering how «this» would be for the first time? Represented various romantic paintings. But «it» was simple. Just on the grass. No, I did not regret it, everything was great. It was immediately felt that I was not Vadim’s first. But at that moment I really wanted to be the last. I snuggled up to him and silently enjoyed the night sky. Vadim was nice and patient. I remembered my first time for the rest of my life. Later, I very often recalled Vadim and the night sky in my memory. I did not have the best memories associated with our female things.

Probably every girl who became a woman has certain moments that will remain in her memory forever. I have this night sky and stars. I wanted to continue meetings with Vadim. They were, frankly, more and more uninteresting to me. Then I could not understand why. So I became an «adult.» With Vadim we did not maintain further relations. It was an initiative on my part. And frankly, I still don’t know what happened. Something pushed me inside him, and the spark died out. I continued to live as an exemplary and obedient girl… Sorry, already a woman.

So a few years passed. I graduated from school well, without a medal though, but they handed me the diploma. At a school evening, many of my peers, feeling like adults, took a certain dose of alcohol drinks. I was no exception. In a dance with one guy from a parallel class, I circled on the wings of happiness. Here, finally, the life. On the same wings of happiness, I gave the guy a manual test of many components of my body. Well, at least I was smart enough to not surrender to him under the influence of alcohol vapors!

After dancing, we scattered around our small groups, with the guys with whom we have been friends for all these long years at school. They swore, as usual, in an eternal friendship. Now, of course, I understand that there are eternal friendships among very few people. And then we were all young. But the country in which we were born, «lived out» its last years. Representatives of the elite party already weren’t «shouting» so loudly from the stands. They began to repaint more and more from red to other colors. But my path has only just begun.

The Institute welcomed me warmly. I enjoyed learning. Maybe not even studying, but communicating with new friends. Unlike the school, where every year were the same people, the institute was constantly filled with new. I was a freshman, everything was interesting to me. While the period of getting used to student life was on, the guys did not interest me. Then nature began to take its toll, and I gradually began to look at the opposite sex. There were very few guys in our group. The choice was small. But on the next stream, you could show yourself and surprise the guys. What the girls and I did. Fortunately, discos at the institute were held regularly.

I was still wearing pink glasses from college life. Gradually, these glasses began to turn into white, and then they had to be removed altogether. I was very struck by the contrast of the Soviet institute on the screen and in real life. No, I do not want to say that everything was bad with it. On the contrary, the teachers gave knowledge at a high level. But behind the scenes moral battles unfolded fierce. I never climbed forward to various positions, but the zeal with which my classmates went to their goal was wildly terrifying. Some individuals did not stop at nothing in order to be on top of the world and curry favor with their superiors and, of course, benefit from this. So my life began to turn into a real adult life. My personal life fell silent for a while. There were no suitable candidates.

Towards the end of the second year, the feminine in me began to gain the upper hand. I began to look closely at the guys. My special attention was paid to the fourth and fifth courses.

At this time, a girl transferred to our group from another faculty. She sat in the audience next to me, and we started talking to her. Olga, that was her name, really became my friend for many years. You could even say for life. And now, when my days are numbered, Olga does not leave me alone. She helps me not only financially, but also morally. Thanks to Skype and other new technologies. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves and think about sad things. At that time, the time of our youth, I did not want to think about anything bad. We girls did not understand why the abbreviation of our country suddenly changed, why people died under tanks, and why my father’s business were closed in one month. No, of course, in general, everything was clear, but the depth of the problems that people would face in those years was not clear to us. We have not yet felt the approach of the time when one after another the enterprises will fall apart, when in a very short time my father will grow old and goofy, his mother will turn gray with grief. All this was in the near future. We just wanted to live. And we lived. Met with the guys. We smoked a little, drank a little. There were parties, there were gatherings.

In this period of my life I was waiting for my prince. I wanted to be in his arms and see the stars again. I was kissing with the guys, hugging, but the last bastion did not give up. The guys did not have that highlight that I saw in Vadim. Although there was plenty to choose from. The guys at our institute were great. But, alas, I could not find Him yet. So Olga and I spent time meeting with one or the other. The two of us were having fun. We complemented each other. Then fate scattered us in different countries. Olga went to live in foreign countries.

Closer to autumn, when the leaves began to fall on the trees, I was «struck» by an electric shock. A guy came down the stairs at the institute – my type, and that’s all. «Hit» not only on the head, but in a causal place. At the sight of this guy, it started to whine so sweetly «there». Even with Vadim this was not. I took this feeling for love. And only then I realized that it was a real passion. But how I wanted him at that moment… I wanted it so that I ran away from his gaze. He, too, was not averse to making contact with me, but I did not make this contact, tried my best to avoid it. For me, this feeling was new, and I was very afraid of myself. In the classroom I flew in the clouds. Olga kept pushing me with my elbow at lectures.